I used to rule the world...seas would rise when I gave the word..

But now, and I won't say suddenly, because it wasn't, but in a sutile way I became a slave. Sometimes I forgot that I have an evil master whose will I am bent to. Not always...lately its will became more and more evident. Everywhere I turn, when I sleep, when I'm awake, when I try to laugh, when I try to run, even when I try to enjoy. I just turned my eyes to the stars and hoped things were like they were before this. When looking at the stars brought me joy, when life was not the hallway of sorrow (and to sorrow). I just missed that time. I want to look at the stars. I want to look at the sky. I want to break free again. I want to live. But there it is...the evil  master that keeps me chained...I don't know its name. Sometimes I call it fear. Or uncertainty. Maybe anguish...anxiety...despair. I just don't know...how did it came from the depts of  my soul to its throne in my life....

Hermenéutica de la letra de las canciones (o que diablos quisieron decir con eso).

Así es. Cada rato nos encontramos tarareando o cantando a grito pelado (o discretamente, dependiendo del grado de vergüenza que tengan) la letra de alguna canción que nos gusta, esta de moda, tuvimos la desgracia de escuchar y se quedo cincelada en nuestro cerebro, en fin multitud de ocasiones. Pero ¿realmente le hemos puesto atención a la letra? ¿tiene algún sentido lo que dice? ¿lo comprendemos? ¿o después de escucharlo solo parece un monton de frases extrañas?. No sé, pero a mi si me ha sucedido frecuentemente. Más aún si la canción es en otro idioma por lo general el inglés. Por algún ejemplo puedo pensar en Viva la Vida, de Coldplay. Poniéndole atención realmente llego a una conclusión: me gusta...pero no entiendo. ¿algún ejemplo en español?

Odio a la gente....

.....que hace la estupidez de comentar en algún foro o blog escribiendo sandeces tales como: primero, primis, first, numero uno....

¡Y es todo lo que comentan! No dudo que ni siquiera lean lo escrito y solo se conecten para ver cada cuando se actualiza un blog o foro para poner esos comentarios imbéciles. ¿Eso los hace mejores en algún sentido? SI. En el sentido estúpido. O tonto. ¿Qué caso tiene? Ninguno, tal vez solo reforzar su idea de ego en la que se dan alguna importancia por ser los primeros en escribir una o dos palabras que realmente no aportan nada a la comunicación entre los lectores y el autor del blog, no dan lugar a una discusión interesante, no opinan nada. Son como los "trolls" solo que un poco más carentes de imaginación.

Bueno, ya despotrique contra una de las plagas que agobian esta edad de oro de internet (mientras aún lo sea, si es que aún lo es).

Unlock

I need some rest...

Rest of what?... Guess that I need rest of me. To rest from my thoughts and obsessions. To rest from my endless guilt, procrastination, negativeness. To rest from my lack of hope and joy. To rest from the dark visions and nightmares, to rest from my fears and impatientness. To rest from my negation of people...don't know....Just want to sleep...

What can I say?

What can I say when nothing seems to work, when the means that I have to try to achieve a certain goal: a better life, aren't working? I just don't know. Try to don't fall into despair. Not fall into sadness. Trying to be positive, as I was sayin' before. But not...over and over, all the things that I have done are marked with failure. What is the point on being good, what's is the point on listening to your parents and elders, to do what is supossed to be "right"?. Everyday in my life, yesterday, today, I see that pointless and fruitless...

Testing.

Naa, just kidding. I am waiting for my next class and I have some time to write. Do we think this blog is a little too negative?? LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Or ROFL ROFL ROFL. Or maybe ROFLMAO.  I have a lot of ideas about topics to write, but suddenly when I put my hands on the keyboard all my ideas dissappear like a pear (that was a joke, just for the record). Instead of that I am trying to overcome my overall inactivity and also trying to be positive. Yeah, I'm fuckin trying, believe it or not their readers. Despite the death of my iPod, the partial losing of my photo camera, the incapacity of my PDA touchscreen to do something at being touched actually.

Oh, it's class time. Go to go.

Going on,moving along, raining and such.

And also watching the rain. Rain falls. It seems obvious, but also seems to be obvious that lightning falls upon the ground during a storm, and that is not true (it goes up to the sky, actually). 

These days have been odd, as usual. At the moment, I am just waiting for the rain to stop or at least for the chance to run to my house.

Seems to be that weekends are pretty much bad for my mental and physical health. It also seems to be that people will always do what they pledged not to do. Yes, that is how the f%·&% people is. 

Nevermind... i think that is all for today. 

Everything may go to HELL.

Yes, damnation to all of you, damnation to everyone. (mmm this is too drastic). Ok a little bit drastic, but somehow, this is how I feel today, after my weekly trip to this city, and surviving the headache and nausea that I had last night. Nausea....a lot of philosophers talk about it... I just remember Sartre and Heidegger. Existencialism. Yeah, to exist cause me nausea, I need a cure... Nevermind. Just finished my homework. Philosophy is a kind of relief. Til next post.

Some lacks....

Lack of lessons, lack of fun, lack of entertainment....among other things. Besides a stream of so called negative thoughts come and flow in the most unspeakable ways (well, maybe that's an exaggeration, in fact it is). The things are speakable, writeable and such. But the feelings are those. Well, being honest there was one day of inner peace, no stress, no anxiety, all good and beautiful with rainbows, ponies, flowers blooming everywhere, and houses made of cake and cookies (got the sarcasm?). 

Well, it was a good day, but it is now so fuckin' over and now there is this almost permanent discontent feeling, and also the inhability to express it in proper ways or in a proper time. 

At this point I am supposed to be able to characterize a problem and bring a friggin' solution. Well none of it. Everything seems a damn problem. So, that's why I say now: Damnation!!!.

¡¡¡HA VUELTO!!!

El horroróscopo está de vuelta.

Shake, shake, shake señora, jump in the line!!!

Y me cago en internet en prodigy y en carlos slim (que de slim no tiene nada). Todo este dia ha sido extraño en cuanto al internet. ¿Y el resto de los dias? Extraños al respecto de todo. Pasando desde una tranquilidad que hace mucho no sentia, a sensaciones extrañas y vaivenes a nerviosismos y tal vez algo de síndrome de abstinencia. Eso me pasa por no seguir las recomendaciones de aquellos que busco para ayudar a mi mente trastornada ¡Mantente ocupado maldita sea! (lo último lo digo yo). Quizás todo sea producto de una constipación mental, un cuello de botella virtual que no tiene salidas propias o prudentes o productivas, situaciones del carácter de las cuales no estoy nada orgulloso. Parece que en estas situaciones de intranquilidad la música es un alivio bastante efectivo. Tengo que hacer malestas en este momento. Salgo de viaje y me estresa, ¿por qué? no lo sé. O tal vez si lo se y me hago pendejo. O de nuevo, tal vez solo sea el síndrome de abstinencia jajaja.

O quizás que por estas fechas hace un año las cosas empezaron a ser extrañas para mi. (Insistencia en que la mente se debe de ocupar y el cuerpo de una vez). Bueno, no extrañas, increiblemente tristes más que nada....y aún no puedo evitar seguir recordando y aferrandome a algo que ya no existe, aún dolido, aún rencoroso, quizás sin razón pero francamente dudo que los sentimientos tengan una razón en si.

Mañana me voy, no estoy seguro de querer ir, solo se que quiero disfrutarlo y lo hare. Tratare de bailar al ritmo del calipso para intentar calmar el ansia inquieta.

The fabric of reality and society.

I made an analogy of the reality, or, well, a part of it, the part that I can have access to, like a fabric. All threads uniform. And there is something diferent. What does people usually do when they find something like that in their clothes? Rip it off. Seems to be that society works that way to. And at that point, the problem becames my problem. I am the different thread that doesn't seems to fit at any part of this reality fabric. Even when I try to do so, it doesn't work for me. It can be ok in the outside, but inside, is another story. Even in my differences I'm still different, and can't find my place. Awkwardness is the way in which I drive myself through life, surviving the contact with other beings, contact that will inevitable lead to suffering...in any form. And still I yearn for that contact and desire it. Neverending conflict. This is what I have to battle in my life. And I'm getting tired of it.

Back in you head....

Necesito poner el Horroróscopo de nuevo para atraer a las masas hacia el otro blog. Por mientras pondre esta canción aqui:

The Balance of Light and Shadow

Fades

Yeah, inspiration come and fades. Mind is odd. Night is short. So good night.

Misundastood!!!!

Or something like that, it seems to be !!!!!

In a situation.

In a situation when you don't like someone...you leave.

What can you do, if the person you don't like, who makes you feel discomfort is none other than yourself.....?

¿Qué buscaba?

Respuestas... Y así fue que comenzó. Primero preguntando. Las respuestas se agotaron rápidamente. Luego observando, lo cual condujó a más dudas, más y mas, como lluvia incesante cayó la duda una y otra vez, aumentando su cauce. Y entonces una luz.

Los libros.

Página tras página, volumen tras volumen, uno nuevo, otro más. Pero la duda seguía creciendo. Y en efecto, cada día era una nueva duda. Muchas se olvidaron con la pregunta ¿para qué?.

Respuestas. Pensamientos. Uno tras otro. Años pasaron y las dudas empezaron a abarcar cada vez más aspectos de la existencia.

Buscando respuestas....

¿Respuestas a que?

"Lo más complicado de un problema es plantearlo"

La respuesta esta en la pregunta.

¡Eso lo explica todo!

En cierto artículo leí el modo en el que se debe de escribir en internet para mantener "cautiva" la atención de los lectores. Entre estos consejos puedo mencionar:

• Utilizar listas.
• Escribir en párrafos cortos.
• No recuerdo que mas.

Porque maldita sea, perdí el enlace (lo perdí en mi cerebro, o sea, nunca guarde el enlace, la inquisición de los bloggers me perseguirá).

Pero volviendo a lo primordial ¡ESO LO EXPLICA TODO! considerando que este blog tiene 90% de quejumbre y herrumbe escrita como una novela, no me debería sorprender nada.

En fin, continuamos con algo no relacionado en otro momento.

Unbreakable Will.

Will unbreakable, faith unshakable. A strenght underlying in the spirit itself. What can someone possibly do to tap on the power of this?. Is it meditation, religion, praying, pleasure, work, discipline? What?

Certainly I don't know. And someone doesn't know me either, as I have been said "I didn't believe that of you".

But it's true as it seems all of us are capable of the greatest deeds. But also the oposite. Nevertheless, I can say that almost everyone is in the middle. 

I am saying crazyness again!!!. 

I'll stop right now.

G. Night.

Higiene mental.

Si, parte de la higiene mental fue borrar el anterior post. Toda esta tarde la he pasado estudiando lógica, pruebas formales de validez de un argumento. Y no puedo dejar de pensar en las palabras de mi profesor acerca de aquel estado casi "nirvanico" de higiene mental. Sobre todo considerando la poca higiene mental que pueda tener el autor de este blog. Pero lo he comprobado. En los momentos que dedique a mi estudio, no hubo pensamientos o sentimientos de desagrado, temor, desesperanza. Absolutamente nada. Solo yo, el papel y el lápiz, y mi mente trabajando, resolviendo problemas. Y siguió resonando en mi cabeza, una vez que tome un descanso "higiene mental". Considerando los extraños sueños y sucesos de estas últimas 48 horas y de las anteriores semanas, más bien pareciera que dicho estudio ha sido para mi el descanso en si. Realmente extrañare esta clase. Creo que esto ha de ser un proceso análogo a la meditación, solo que en vez de poner en blanco la mente, consistió en concentrarla en un único fin, en el único momento presente. Podría decir que ambas prácticas han de perseguir lo mismo, basado en lo poco que se acerca de la meditación y en mi reciente experiencia. Y el post anterior, ¿por qué ha sido borrado?. No lo sé. Es tal vez parte de un lado oscuro que me persigue. Lo acepto, sin la luz no habría oscuridad. Pero tal vez lo contrario no tiene porque ser contradictorio. O tal vez simplemente no era yo, o no es lo que yo quiero ser y lanzar desde mis entrañas hasta este universo. Tal vez solo era víctima de la entropía mental (si, esa idea también viene de mi maravillosa clase de lógica). Tal vez solo fueron sentimientos que cumplieron su función al salir por medio de este blog y no son necesarios ahora. Momento presente: escribo, cierto un leve malestar producto de algunos excesos cometidos, y lentamente los recuerdos, así como la memoria de los extraños sueños gotean dentro del vaso de mi conciencia. Y tengo hambre así que por el momento es todo. 

Bitterness.

So, bitterness that's it. A way of life. A train of thoughts. Which train of thoughts lead us to this point? In which point I became a zoo animal that someone wants to visit anytime he wants. Well, at least people like animals from the zoo. I feel sometimes more like a street dog. But there is no point. Those life has a point, a meaning, an object anyway? My hate against human kind grows stronger everyday, as far as I can see. Everyday I feel more useless. Is it something anything worse than failing at the things that you were suppose to do? The mission of the life, if there is such thing, if there is a meaning? Well, I'm catching the meaning. Loneliness. Being dumped like trash, no matter how stronger your feelings are. No matter how strong are your beliefs, or your faith. Hopeless is this world. Tainted are the things. False are the ideas.

"Be living in the kingdom of the good and true"...

Well, that delusion is coming to an end. I am aware that some of this ideas have no logic. But I feel this way today. I've been feeling that way a long time ago. I don't know why. Maybe the karma is truth and I was terrible in the past. But so far, I think that I overpayed this. But anyhow, nothing matters.

In this swirling vortex....

Yes, a swirling vortex of enthropy...no, that's not mine, but nevermind. Writing from this torn life, between two geographical places, a lot of existencial places. Torn is the word. Yeah, just like that old (now IS OLD) song: "nothing's fine I'm torn, I'm all out of faith... this is how I feel..." and yes, the rest of the song is well known. Torn in pieces, torn in peace, torn torn torn. And every second going tear apart more and more.... Good luck, good night.. I'm done for now.

Is the time coming? Or is it going?...

And after hearing about a bunch of stuff that could be just described as "interpretation" then I start to write this, an interpretation of what I'm being, what happens, what comes to me in a sort of diferent ways. I am listening to a song, but no device is on. My media player is shut down, 'cause I am on a public area. And I don't want to disturb all this mother fuckers. Just watching the branches of trees being blowed and moved by the wind through the window that is right in front of me, well, if you don't count the obstacles of human bodies, tables and computers.... Nevermind. Is the time coming, or is it going..? Don't know, if it were for me, I would stop everything. So I could be in peace. Tired of listening about good things and bad things. About love and jealousy, about friendships that leave to never come back. About that feeling of neverending pain that is underneath, even when you're laughing. THe laugh lasts a second. The pain is forever. Tired of remember a hug that somebody gave me one year ago. Somebody that now I hate with no real reason. But love doesn't have reasons. Neither hate. Hate is more easy to spread. Who cares, who knows?. My head has a strange aching. I am thinking in the future and the past. Again, failing to do what I have. Live the present. But it's just seems so griefing. Two more days, and a conventional mark is going to remember me, even if I don't want to, that times is coming and going. Times like these, in which I just think why. Times when I remember that I was better. I guess I was happy and I didn't realized. Times in which I would like to cease the existence. Why?. Because I am tired of fighting against everything. But mostly, against me. Tired of dreaming of things that aren't going to happen. Tired of feeling that loneliness is the only thing that is left, tired of think about damnation, my damnation, tired of realizing that nothing can fulfill the emptiness that I have. I'm just tired. I want to surrender. I want to rest....

It's so strange.

Yes, it's so strange, but I didn't wanted to look at my blog. It was like watching a wound somehow. I was distant from it, or maybe distant from myself, because this is one of the few paths that I have to reach myself. Kinda strange, isn't it?. But it's true I guess. Writing and putting the soul in its place. I am not as fluent as I used to be. And I am refering to typing, writing, and putting my thoughts in this language ( I don't know what I do this!!!). Nevermind. This was going to be, again, one of my usual claims of misanthropy. But now, I am not sure about it. I was very difficult to start writing. And it's very difficult to write right now. All about feelings and thoughts. Because those are the centerpieces of my life. Maybe that's my problem. I might need some action. Anyway. I write this, from the loneliness of a library. Full of death people that no one knows if they really existed. People who wrote about any kind of things, for any kind of reason, but, most of them, tried to find a meaning (if there is such thing). From the loneliness of my life, that seems to be more lonely every day. Am I accustomed to that? No. I felt that way before and it hurts just as the first time. That's all for today.

Flash, video.

Yesterday I saw a video. It was extremely well maked. It had beautiful graphics, beautiful colors, excelent timing, great music. But it was just so freakin' sad. Fortunately, I don't have the link, but sadly, it is frozen now in my mind. I hated it. Why did I hated it. Because it was just a reminding of what life is, or at least, what my life is. Just trying to find a connection with the people that I care of, and, when you achieved it at last, lose everything. Why? Just 'cause. As I said, I don't have the link, and I don't want to have it. I don't want to be reminded in my spare time of the things that I have to suffer every fuckin' day. I am trying to forget that.

A few days ago....

A few days ago I was trying to write something here, but since I am now addicted to a time consuming game, and also had some work to do at school , I couldn't. Besides, the feelings that I had came at the worst moment, because I don't have a permanent internet connection now. (besides, I am also a fuckin' addict to the fuckin' internet). Even my schoolmates noticed that I was not right, and that's kinda scary. I cannot hide my feelings as I used to do it before. Are you sad was the question. No, I am not, just tired was my answer. But the truth is that I was actually sad. Right now I feel strange. I feel I belong to nowhere. I cannot find peace anywhere. I like what I am studying right now. I am fortunate 'cause I have the chance to do so. I overcame my fears. Then, why do I feel this? Why do I feel that existence is futile, and worthless? Why do I feel that I shouldn't exist? Why do I feel that this have no sense, no purpose, living???. Every time I try to relate to a human being there is fear, uncertainty, there will be always deceiving, loneliness, pain, deception. I also feel strange, because the last year I had a great lost. The year before I had a greater lost. This year I feel that I am having loses. And I am actually feeling loses. And I am angry with this fuckin world and situation, angry with myself for not being good enough to the people that I love and care of. Angry for being envious and stupid, for building a pit of loneliness. I would like to jump off a cliff and soar. But I guess If I do that I would just do a stupid thing. Or maybe not. Maybe I would stop the pain. Not just my pain, but the pain of the people around me. As usual, just bothering and doing stupid things,saying things that have no sense. But hey, it's the way that I have to release this pain that courses me. This pain that every day reminds me that I am not as good as I am supposed to be, and because of that I am cursed to loneliness, even when there is people that do worst things than me, that betrays, lies, gave themselves to the vice of alcohol, sex, drugs, no, I am cursed in this fuckin' unfair life, in which every relation that I made with human beings is condemned to have feelings of dispair.

Thanks

Thanks M4st3r-X for the .pandawesome banner.

misanthropy

Why?, I'd rather say, why not?. Maybe it's the day, maybe it's me, maybe it's just that the way it is, but this is how I feel right now. I shouldn't? Don't know. I just find things so annoying, everything so annoying, breathing so annoying that I want everything to come to an end. Just burst in rage and anger, no matter what, no caring about consequences. I just think that things are that way and I feel angry about that. Why? I don't fuckin' know. Maybe because I feel that something is going wrong, that life is not fair, that I feel more abandoned every day even when I am ashamed of admitting it, because I need to express what I feel but I don't want to be judged, nor that awful person to read this. Well, who knows, and who cares. I don't think anyone. I don't think nobody. Everybody sucks and that's true. Everybody deserves nothing.

Forlorn...that's the word

Affliction, curses, shadow...

Curses. That is what these days were. At least for me. Sometimes, the things that are meant to put the people together are the things that separate us. A step ahead someone says. A step, well, a lot of steps behind say I. Everything unbond by a dream, or, better said, a nightmare. The peace is gone. There is no such thing in my mind, or in my soul. The fear is ever present. And I cannot forget...I cannot forget that person. About six months and I still have the thoughts, the feelings, and the hate. And also, a strange wave of bad luck and sickness. Somehow, I realize the reason of this situation. That's why I cannot be with the people. Steppen wolf. Human kind is not my kind, and is  not kind also. Today, I don't want to know anything, of anyone. I just want to sleep. In a dream that help me to scape of this thoughts. My virtues don't make up the other things...

There are things that I cannot tell, I don't know where to go. Maybe it's a punishment for all the hate, for being this way, or maybe God just hates me and hates everyone. The envy consumes me, the anger hurts me, the loneliness fades me into nothing....

I don't know where I'm going...just know that tomorrow I am heading somewhere...but there in my loneliness, nobody would know if I do not come back....

Hace tanto tiempo.

So it is. A long time ago since the last time that I wrote something here. A lot of changes and feelings as usual. Huge changes I guess, but I think I tend to overreact about them. Sometimes I feel that I am doing wrong, but at this point, I don't know what would I do, instead of what I am doing now. I cannot go back. And I am afraid to go forward. Jajajaja pretty hilarious isn't it. So, basically, I'm kind of trapped. Because I don't want to go back to a reality in which I will just grow old and wish for something better. But I am not sure of what I am doing now. But at least, I've managed to do it for about a week. Is this the right way? I don't know for sure. Well, now I know that I do not know anything for sure. I'm just here, riskin' just like it is supposed to be, even when I think that I am too old for that, that I should stop playing around and get a life. But, hey, this is my life. I don't want to live it in function of what other people says that is good or right. I don't want to be a stereotype, or live my life because somebody told me "hey, you should to that because it is what you're supposed to do". Just because. But it's difficult. Difficult in my mind, and in my heart. But I think that I am risking for the right causes. Even if I fail, it wouldn't matter, I failed a lot in the past, but at least I am trying to live what I want to live, and to believe in me, although sometimes I don't feel that way. 

Well, guess that's all right now. But I am still here , in this glorious and schizophrenic blog jajajaja. 

Los árboles...antes de la Edad del Sol y la Luna.

...Entonces Yavanna se incorporó y se irguió sobre Ezellohar, el montículo verde, pero estaba desnudo ahora, y negro; y puso las manos sobre los árboles, pero estos estaban muertos y oscuros, y cada rama que tocaba se quebraba y caía marchita a sus pies. Entoces muchas voces se alzaron en lamentaciones; y les parecio a los que se apesadumbraban que habían bebido hasta las heces la copa de dolor que Melkor habia escanciado para ellos. Pero no era así.

Yavanna habló ante los Valar diciendo: - La luz de los Árboles se ha ido, y ahora solo vive en los Silmarils de Fëanor. ¡Previsor ha sido! Aún para los más poderosos bajo la égida de Iluvatar hay una obra que solo pueden llevar a cabo una única vez. Di ser a la Luz de los Árboles, y en los confines de Eä nunca más podre hacerlo. Sin embargo, si yo dispusiese de un poco de esa luz, podría devolver la vida a los Árboles antes de que las raíces se corrompieran; y entonces nuestras heridas tendrían remedio, y la malicia de Melkor quedaría confundida...

El Silmarillion.

Este pasaje ha venido mucho a mi cabeza. Solo una vez. Una vez fue la creación, según la tradición. Una vez. Una vez las grandes maravillas. Pero solo hoy, que releí el pasaje, repare en la última parte. Un poco de esa luz. ¿Será que existe tal luz, o es solo una ilusión extraña?