Goodbye 2.

Already spoke about goodbyes. I don't like them. In my childhood, I was faced with many goodbyes that probably defined in some way or another my life. Those goodbyes probably weren't spoken at that moment. I realized years later. Then I had to face the death of my beloved ones. What's wrong or weird with that? Everybody has to face it...Well, probably you never realize the power of goodbye until you're faced with the most definitive of the farewells: death. And after that, the fear came. An increasing fear that the few people I care about would leave, either for a while, or permanently. The innocence was shattered.

So...I don't like goodbyes. That probably means that I don't like change either. And I'm probably not the only one. Most of the people don't like to think about change. They want to establish routines. Predictable and boring, nevertheless, safe and reassuring.

And this rant is about what people dislikes the most. Having to deal with the imminent changes, things that are out of our control. People leaves, people changes and that is scaring. It is scaring the thought of struggling with everyday thoughts and projects, and suddenly have to cope with an alteration on the rest of the world.

I hate to say goodbye, because it is exhausting. People try to establish bonds with other people, grow friendships, romantic relationships, family. Then, an instant is all that is needed to cause a great upheaval. You found yourself grieving for the past, for the state of things as they were, while trying to move on.

Such is the frenzy that humans are subjects to. Build his dreams upon moving sands...And all of it is pointless and senseless. Though, we still go on. Or at least try...

En busca del tiempo perdido.

¿Bastante altanero, no lo creen? Y lo peor: es altanero en dos sentidos. Usurpar el título de una obra famosa, por una parte y tener el atrevimiento de pensar en la posibilidad de gobernar el tiempo, poseerlo como quién posee una mercancía, dominarlo como a una máquina a la cual le damos instrucciones. 

Aún así, posiblemente este título sea consecuencia de una añoranza que también tiene dos caras: el deseo de hacer algo más que simplemente mirar hacia atrás mientras se es arrastrado sin remedio hacia el futuro, o mejor dicho hacia el presente, con el rostro mirando hacia el pasado, de espaldas a la oscuridad de lo que esta por venir; la otra faz, tratar de hacer algo con los fragmentos que arrastramos con nosotros, reconstruir un presente con los mosaicos del pasado. 

Suena un tanto melancólico o derrotista, pero, por mucho que se intente simplemente mirar el instante casi inexistente llamado presente, la gran marea del pasado siempre vuelve, tal como lo hace el oceano, que por momentos parece replegarse en sí mismo, para sorprendernos cuando no lo esperábamos de vuelta. Mientras tanto, delante del presente, pero fuera de una visión pura esta la indeterminación que llamamos, futuro, el porvenir.

Pero el llamado del pasado es ponderoso. Pero no siempre es consistente. Sobre todo si los recuerdos, al contrario de lo señalado por Proust, no saben hacer reconciliaciones. Parece como si el presente, el yo actual que trata de reconfigurarse, fuese arrastrado de nuevo por una pesada ancla de preguntas sin respuesta, de peleas sin sentido, de arrepentimientos, de la mezcla contradictoria de amor y odio, añoranza y deseo de olvido.

No es el pasado la firme base sobre la que se asienta el presente...más bien es la arena movediza, cieno del cual emergen, impredecibles, recuerdos que te gritan, desconciertan. No es más que una reafirmación del pasado personal, fragmentario, a veces intempestivo. No importa si no es el presente...también eres el pasado.

Envy.

A generally recognized sin in many religions. The thing is, it's hardly a sin, since for sin I consider a VOLUNTARY act that has an evil motivation and/or consequence. But envy can hardly be classified by those standards. Of course, there can be actions which are generated by envy, but there are a lot of instances where the envious person doesn't act or even say a thing. In such case, envy wouldn't be a sin, but a self-suffering, caused by a feeling of inferiority in respect to other person, and the wish for the other to become deprived of some quality or fortune, so he can be inferior too (or, at least at the same level as the one who wishes that to happen).

Let's make an easy comparison with another sin: gluttony. The glutton wallows in the pleasure caused by food, but, unless there is an organic or psychiatric disorded, it is a completely voluntary act. He can choose between giving up to the pleasure caused by food. But also has the choice to moderate himself and have a greater well-being.

The envious, on the other hand, has limited choices. As envy seems to be a passive feeling, he can try to ignore it (such act will not stop the feeling), get distracted with something else, or even try to act upon the subject of his envy (which will worsen things).

When the envious chooses the better course of action (concealing or ignoring his feelings) he does not hope for the best, but actually tries to minimize the damage, which nevertheless is made to him, regardless of what he does.

As it is put on this example, envy is pretty much an annoyance with varying degrees, and pretty much a human trait. Probably has to do something with trying to improve oneself in response to the traits present in other individuals. Sadly, it also fucks pretty much everything in human relationships

Running 'round leaving scars.

I also may have chosen "Scar tissue that I wish you saw". But as usual, that's not the point. I write this because I need to express something about the incessant struggle of all human beings. Even if not every human being is aware of it (lucky them). But for those of us who are aware, it can be a good thing to talk about it once in a while, taking care of not falling into and endless wallowing in self-compassion or self-defeat. As Quinn (yes, Quinn!) Morgendorffer once said: isn't this all pairing together a cruel joke from God, the Nature, the fate? And what does this provokes? that everyone go running 'round leaving scars.
Have you been ditched lately by your friends because there were something or someone more important that you? Have you ditched a friend because there was something or someone more important than him or her?
Probably yes. And that is disgusting, painful, cruel. But somehow, even if that fact is recognized, everyone does it, probably on a daily basis.

Everyone tries to rebuke him, but probably Sigmund Freud wasn't that mistaken. We cannot be like dogs, in the sense that is impossible for us to relate to each other in terms of pure love or hate. We somehow mix them up and start tearing ourselves apart. Well, not necessarily, as we can be hiding everything and creating a hyper-structured life and behaviour to fool ourselves and "function" in the net of conventions that we call social relationships. That, and drugs, alcohol, neurosis, and the aptly named "30's, midlife, name-it, crisis" keeps us from falling apart at an early age. Well, some of us.

By the way in this love-hate relationship, I love-hate Christina Perri Songs.

That said, goodbye.