Goodbye 2.

Already spoke about goodbyes. I don't like them. In my childhood, I was faced with many goodbyes that probably defined in some way or another my life. Those goodbyes probably weren't spoken at that moment. I realized years later. Then I had to face the death of my beloved ones. What's wrong or weird with that? Everybody has to face it...Well, probably you never realize the power of goodbye until you're faced with the most definitive of the farewells: death. And after that, the fear came. An increasing fear that the few people I care about would leave, either for a while, or permanently. The innocence was shattered.

So...I don't like goodbyes. That probably means that I don't like change either. And I'm probably not the only one. Most of the people don't like to think about change. They want to establish routines. Predictable and boring, nevertheless, safe and reassuring.

And this rant is about what people dislikes the most. Having to deal with the imminent changes, things that are out of our control. People leaves, people changes and that is scaring. It is scaring the thought of struggling with everyday thoughts and projects, and suddenly have to cope with an alteration on the rest of the world.

I hate to say goodbye, because it is exhausting. People try to establish bonds with other people, grow friendships, romantic relationships, family. Then, an instant is all that is needed to cause a great upheaval. You found yourself grieving for the past, for the state of things as they were, while trying to move on.

Such is the frenzy that humans are subjects to. Build his dreams upon moving sands...And all of it is pointless and senseless. Though, we still go on. Or at least try...

En busca del tiempo perdido.

¿Bastante altanero, no lo creen? Y lo peor: es altanero en dos sentidos. Usurpar el título de una obra famosa, por una parte y tener el atrevimiento de pensar en la posibilidad de gobernar el tiempo, poseerlo como quién posee una mercancía, dominarlo como a una máquina a la cual le damos instrucciones. 

Aún así, posiblemente este título sea consecuencia de una añoranza que también tiene dos caras: el deseo de hacer algo más que simplemente mirar hacia atrás mientras se es arrastrado sin remedio hacia el futuro, o mejor dicho hacia el presente, con el rostro mirando hacia el pasado, de espaldas a la oscuridad de lo que esta por venir; la otra faz, tratar de hacer algo con los fragmentos que arrastramos con nosotros, reconstruir un presente con los mosaicos del pasado. 

Suena un tanto melancólico o derrotista, pero, por mucho que se intente simplemente mirar el instante casi inexistente llamado presente, la gran marea del pasado siempre vuelve, tal como lo hace el oceano, que por momentos parece replegarse en sí mismo, para sorprendernos cuando no lo esperábamos de vuelta. Mientras tanto, delante del presente, pero fuera de una visión pura esta la indeterminación que llamamos, futuro, el porvenir.

Pero el llamado del pasado es ponderoso. Pero no siempre es consistente. Sobre todo si los recuerdos, al contrario de lo señalado por Proust, no saben hacer reconciliaciones. Parece como si el presente, el yo actual que trata de reconfigurarse, fuese arrastrado de nuevo por una pesada ancla de preguntas sin respuesta, de peleas sin sentido, de arrepentimientos, de la mezcla contradictoria de amor y odio, añoranza y deseo de olvido.

No es el pasado la firme base sobre la que se asienta el presente...más bien es la arena movediza, cieno del cual emergen, impredecibles, recuerdos que te gritan, desconciertan. No es más que una reafirmación del pasado personal, fragmentario, a veces intempestivo. No importa si no es el presente...también eres el pasado.

Envy.

A generally recognized sin in many religions. The thing is, it's hardly a sin, since for sin I consider a VOLUNTARY act that has an evil motivation and/or consequence. But envy can hardly be classified by those standards. Of course, there can be actions which are generated by envy, but there are a lot of instances where the envious person doesn't act or even say a thing. In such case, envy wouldn't be a sin, but a self-suffering, caused by a feeling of inferiority in respect to other person, and the wish for the other to become deprived of some quality or fortune, so he can be inferior too (or, at least at the same level as the one who wishes that to happen).

Let's make an easy comparison with another sin: gluttony. The glutton wallows in the pleasure caused by food, but, unless there is an organic or psychiatric disorded, it is a completely voluntary act. He can choose between giving up to the pleasure caused by food. But also has the choice to moderate himself and have a greater well-being.

The envious, on the other hand, has limited choices. As envy seems to be a passive feeling, he can try to ignore it (such act will not stop the feeling), get distracted with something else, or even try to act upon the subject of his envy (which will worsen things).

When the envious chooses the better course of action (concealing or ignoring his feelings) he does not hope for the best, but actually tries to minimize the damage, which nevertheless is made to him, regardless of what he does.

As it is put on this example, envy is pretty much an annoyance with varying degrees, and pretty much a human trait. Probably has to do something with trying to improve oneself in response to the traits present in other individuals. Sadly, it also fucks pretty much everything in human relationships

Running 'round leaving scars.

I also may have chosen "Scar tissue that I wish you saw". But as usual, that's not the point. I write this because I need to express something about the incessant struggle of all human beings. Even if not every human being is aware of it (lucky them). But for those of us who are aware, it can be a good thing to talk about it once in a while, taking care of not falling into and endless wallowing in self-compassion or self-defeat. As Quinn (yes, Quinn!) Morgendorffer once said: isn't this all pairing together a cruel joke from God, the Nature, the fate? And what does this provokes? that everyone go running 'round leaving scars.
Have you been ditched lately by your friends because there were something or someone more important that you? Have you ditched a friend because there was something or someone more important than him or her?
Probably yes. And that is disgusting, painful, cruel. But somehow, even if that fact is recognized, everyone does it, probably on a daily basis.

Everyone tries to rebuke him, but probably Sigmund Freud wasn't that mistaken. We cannot be like dogs, in the sense that is impossible for us to relate to each other in terms of pure love or hate. We somehow mix them up and start tearing ourselves apart. Well, not necessarily, as we can be hiding everything and creating a hyper-structured life and behaviour to fool ourselves and "function" in the net of conventions that we call social relationships. That, and drugs, alcohol, neurosis, and the aptly named "30's, midlife, name-it, crisis" keeps us from falling apart at an early age. Well, some of us.

By the way in this love-hate relationship, I love-hate Christina Perri Songs.

That said, goodbye.

Over-(pick your suffix, but I'm thinking of thinking)

"You should think that carefully".
"Think about it".
"Deep thinkin'".

And the problem regarding all these afirmations, or general advices, is that they can pretty much fuck up everything when thinking becomes overthinking. Blasting your brain out with the supposedly careful consideration about one decision, issue, task. And yes, general advice consists in examinate with precision, rigor, and enough time how all the facts may or may not affect the outcomes, and how will they affect them.

However, as humans (and this is only an opinion) we became in extreme confidents on how our rational behaviour can solve or problems. Indeed, as "rational" beings, that's one of our most useful tools. Thinking help us to make choices, as we cannot rely totally on instincts. Also helps us to build an entire world for us to live in, as we seem to be ill-prepared to exist in raw nature. Nevertheless, when we rely, or better said, try to rely completely in reason, we make mistakes, took bad decisions, and ask ourselves "why did this happen?".

If we try to consider every little aspect of decision making, we miss the big picture and fail to consider the other sides of our own well-being. It may not seem reasonable to make a trip, try a new dish, do something new, but in fact, that may bring us joy, snap us out of routine and boredom. And even if a decision is supposedly made up considering just facts, emotions can be actually biasing the choice. Fear to change, extreme desire to a change. clinging on to something.

We are always bound to our passions and emotions. Reason is just a part of us. Guess the only good advice that can come from these musings is: try to balance. Thinking, acting, feeling. Juggle with them.

Excess and Lack.

I don't know why waiting rooms have this annoying illumination. Whether is a hospital, an office, a school, the driver's licence department, an airport or bus terminal; all the waiting rooms must have uncomfortable chairs, eye piercing lights and, if you're lucky, bad smell and great potential of boredom.

And also, the hiding possibility of deception. Usually, the situations in which you have to be waiting in such compartments, are the ones when you can be extremely nervous, expectant, hoping for something: the health of a beloved one, a swift journey, a job or a place at school.

Yes. Being there is not pleasant at all. And yet you have to do it very often. But it becames a bit harder when you feel ill prepared, even if you have proven to be good. Nevermind, you're not what they need. You're plane already took off.

It doesn't matter if you search through your notebook, reading the highest thoughts of the greatest mind, knowing that you have commited to them, learned them, hoping to reach them in their all-glowing virtue. The facts are: you need to do something: drag yourself into the world of sycophancy, to beg for a few coins while you try to not be crushed by the weight of the thoughts you set so high upon you.

Acting like if your maxims where to be universal laws start to become meaningless. Also the abiding of love. The power of virtue. Even the striving to persevere in life. All starts to fade out and then you wonder if discovering such thoughts wasn't a big mistake, if it is really that ignorance is bliss.

But there is no turning back. The blessing or course cannot be lifted. The first moment of commitment with such ideas was a crossroad. The road has been chosen. And somehow it is neccesary to figure out, how to walk it...

Otoño

Goodbye.

Today, a dear friend of mine asked me why I was saying "Goodbye" on some instant messaging service. I was reluctant to admit my motivations to him, so, that's why I am writing them on the internet, so everyone can read them. Last week, I realized that every second, every day, even if we don't notice it, we say goodbye. To the sun at the dusk, to a fleeting moment when it passes, to our present when it becomes the past. All the people we see through the day...we say goodbye to them.  Every part of our life passes through us, so, wether we like it or not, is a farewell. Most of these are forever indeed. But the magic, and/or the tragedy, is that we don't know that. And we may never knew. Great affairs usually take all of our attention, be at their beginnings, or at their endings. At that moment, we do realize the magnitude of goodbyes. But, what about every moment and little event, the sum of that line we call life? We are always parting. Until we part definitely.

Verano

Stately, plump...

Yes, I know, I used the very beginning of one of the greatests books in literature's history. Yes, it is a probably futile scam to lure some unwary readers into this swirling vortex of... oh nevermind. Actually I wanted to write about the topic that I know the least: human relationships. Certainly, as self-ostracism seemed to be the chosen lifestile (at least in spirit) for a while, I cannot talk about the wonders of human bonding at any level. Notwithstanding, positive social interaction proved more satisfying than complete alienation, even with the worries and fears that timid people usually feels when proved against such interactions.

But people are like atoms, they collide, are driven off, and also, repel. Or maybe an atom wants to collide and join another which doesn't. When you're under the effects of strong feelings, the ability to discern wether you're right or wrong become supressed. One one hand, you may think about the rightness of your feelings and/or actions. On the other hand, the outside perspective might be completely different.

It becomes hard to think about yourself. As a matter of fact, you, yes, the person who always acts "right" may be wrong, may be making someone else uncomfortable.

Even if this events are true, there is another part of the equation. You can control your actions, but I don't think is possible to control how you feel about someone. This can help on achieving an ethical behaviour, one in which you actually act motivated by the good. But it also leads to a heavy emotional turmoil.

So, I made a great discovery: human relationships are complicated. ¬ ¬

So long...

I hate the new blogger editor....

And that's not the main topic I shall be discussing right now. Actually, the change is what bedazzles me. Nevertheless, change is permanent...isn't it right? Actually, certain metaphysic postures would deny it, but there aren't many followers of those postures. Because, even if Zeno denied it, change, even if it might be an illusion of our minds, is always present.
Present might be a fleeting non-existant time. We may just as well be stranded in some continuum of moments between the vastness of the past and the unknown future.

But now what? How to overcome such questions?

I really don't know, and neither know why am I writing this. May be just another wise word from some man that used to confront hard questions on life...

"Love hopes all things -and yet is never put to shame". S.A.K.

Dune

Sadly, desertification is a common issue nowadays, mainly because of reckless industrial developments and climate change.Nevertheless, and even if I had seen the dunes before, watching them again was an experience that I would only describe as fascinating and breathtaking. Abouth a month ago, just for a few minutes and not exactly close enough to actually feel the sand, but the dunes, the desert, there is something about it that a meadow full of flowers cannot arise. In all its bare nudity, it shows itself. Quite the expression of a radical and natural honesty.

Writers block

How if writers block come in the worst moment, when writing is not only your hobby, but also your work? Hehehe, nevermind, I am aware that pretty much every writer suffers from such condition. In my case it is quite simply: trying to explain, make an argument and give a proper foundation for an idea. But somehow, when the attempt to write such explanation comes out, the implications came like a snowball, every little problem or issue leads to another. So, procrastination ensues. Might as well be the fear. Fear of failing, anyone? Maybe a good advice, one that has been given to a lot of people is: take the risk, don't be afraid of mistakes, even more if such mistakes can lead you to perfect your work, your art and craft. Anyway, that's pretty much for today.

κάθαρσις

The sun keeps going on its way on the sky, from dawn to sunset. Stars come out. And somehow, inside the persons, strange forces act. Some upon them, some caused by themselves. Others, because an external cause. What happens when the pressure from inside and outsides overwhelms the will -will to live, will to fight, will to resist-. It happens that the barrier is shattered, and every piece drop like a rain of tears, fragments. κάθαρσις that's the word when such a breakdown happens. Purging. It indeed looks like a purge. Things that used to be stagnating and creating a lot of pressure are suddenly released. μετάνοια and should come together, so all the shattered pieces can be rebuilt...or better said, regrown.

25 de marzo de 3019 de la tercera edad del sol.

Otro año más desde que Sauron fue derrotado.

Siete.

Supuestamente 7 es un buen número. De nuevo, es dificil de creer que ya son siete años escribiendo esporádicamente por aquí. Buen Aniversario.

Mend, amend.

Last post was about questions (aren't they all?). Well, the question was about if it was right or wrong to have some feelings about a particular situation. No. I guess it was about the lack of a correlative or counterpart: having some efects with no apparent or plausible cause. Cause, cause, causation. What is the cause of "X"? In that particular post, the goal was to express or figure out the cause of the feelings of loneliness, sorrow, dispair, hopelessness. And, despite of my efforts, I couldn't delve enough in Kierkegaard and his imaginary friends to find out what was going on. And that is how these days have been, tinged with darker shades of gray, and ocasionally a shy green or yellow. So, the world, the people, the weather. It doesn't matter how they are. Even if people always look for objectivity, the most important factor for everyday life is how things appear to people. Somebody with allucinations doesn't worry about the world that is, but of the world that appears. A joyful individual takes his/her problems in such a different way than a depressive one. And no, I'm not talking about the simple concept of "point of view". I am talking about the world as a whole, given to the particular individual. When we can find some common points where it is possible to join and make connection. But nevertheless, the particular way in which the world is presented makes possible, somehow, the lack of comprehension between persons, where the joyful doesn't think even possible to look at the world in the way the melancholic describes it. Clearly a lack of empathy, but not in the common use of the word ("to put oneself in the shoes of the other). As I am trying to learn, empathy is way more than that. And between its characteristics, one of them is the ability or capacity to look the world in the way another does. Well, right now, this has become some sort of digression. Still haven't found why the feelings of loneliness, anger, hopelessness, etc., do exist without an apparent cause. Just reached a path where they can be exemplified and how they are part of that "world that is given" or "world that appears". At least is an advance, isn't it? Not really sure about it, maybe the causes are so evident, and that's because they remain hidden. If you look to much, you are concentrated on the pursuit, instead of on what you're pursuing. So long, until next post.

Do I have the right?

Let's start with a question: Do I have the right to feel alone? Loneliness is a feeling when someone is missing some kind of contact with others. It has a primordial feature: that condition is not voluntary, or maybe desired. On the contrary, solitude is a desired condition. (So sad, spanish doesn't make this distinction).

But, what is the origin of the question? Well, if you have people who you like to spend your life with, share bonds, have affection to them and even in that case you feel alone...Do you have the right to?.

What does it take to have that emptiness filled? Why does it need more than you already have to soothe that feeling?

I don't know, this post promised much at the start. But right now it faded away.

'Til later.

24 de febrero. Seis años

Y parece una vida entera.

Who knows, who cares?

Who knows, who cares. Why to ask these questions? Who cares what happened, even if it was just a tiny bit? If it happened, it belongs to the past. Who cares about the memories I hold, the shattered thoughts of those brief, but blissful instants? I shall tell. I know and I care. By now, I should have been over it. Sadly, that's not the case. Sadly, the longing doesn't go away. Neither the lack of power and will to look and accept what it is. Going for new ways to relate, meet new people. All of it sounds ridiculous and unfeasible. Specially when both things sound too hard, and to relate in a deep and caring way it's like an upway hill. Nevertheless. Life goes on. Or at least so it seems.