A week

One week has passed since the last time I posted in this blog. As I am starting to write this I am feeling not so good at all. Too many feelings. Too much anger. Maybe I'll write later.

Algo temprano.

Así es. A estas horas también se cuecen habas.O es tal vez que la inspiración no tiene un horario fijo y es como los un órgano interno: realmente no le importa que tengamos que hacer o en que estemos ocupados cuando presenta sus demandas. A punto de emprender un viaje. Bueno, no es un viaje muy largo, pero es uno que no deseo hacer justo ahora.....ups..gotta go esto seguira despues, si la inspiracion es propicia...

Ciao.

Another evening.

PRESENT PRESENT PRESENT!!!!! FOCUS ON PRESENT. At least that's what I've been told to do. It is what a friend says also. It's what I think that I must do.

At this point, most of my existetial issues (I call them that way, I do not know if they really are) are a product of not living right here, right now.

Worrying about things that were, thinking too much about things that are not yet, or even may or may not occur.

Trying to break this ties to the time that hasn't come...It is not easy, but I was managing to achieve it, until.....

Until I was close to an event. A loss.

Losses that have been recently very strong in my life. From the deepest loss (death), to losses that, although aren't that deep, they are also significant. It can be put in one phrase: when somebody leaves.

As I wrote in the last entry. Everybody has to follow their own path. Everyone has it's mission in life (even if they have discovered it or not).

But for me, it is becoming to hard to say goodbye.

Recently I have tested a path. It didn't worked. Why? Probably, it wasn't what I wanted to. Probably, I didn't made enough efforts. Now, I have chosen another path, one that I've considered long time ago. I shall try it, because I need to know if that path is for me, if that path is part of my mission, is part of my life, if it is part of what I want to be.

And I shall have to say good bye. Or maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe there are no goodbyes. Just some "see you later".

But is more difficult when you are a lonely person. For people like me, every friend becomes something very important...almost sacred, When a bond start to grow,then also the affection. When you find someone to share a part of your own life, then, differences shrink....

But is difficult to accept that we have to say good bye or see you. I say "I accept that". But the pain remains. Would be easier if that person has already left. But no, and then, we talk about the beginning. Living in the present. Not in past, nor future.

And turns to be a more difficult when that person take influence on you, and make you question your own life.

Although, I guess that will be a topic for another entry.

Good Night.

By the way, Paulo Coelho writings are somehow related....

Manual de conservar caminos.

ACTUALIZACIÓN: Por cierto, el link anterior lo lei gracias a Phoenicoperus.

Good Evening again.

Decisions are taken as I write this lines. Not just my decisions. The decisions of every person in this world. Decisions like going to bed or pickin' up something to eat. Decisicions like pursuing a career. Decisions like marrying someone. Decisions like killing someone. Decisions of saving someone's life.

Why am I writing about this. Well. I have made such decisions in the last months. But I am not concerned about mine decisions this night....well, I am, in fact, but I am going to write about something else.

And talk about something that I do not like, and something that has happened last years. When the people whom I love leaves.

I tried to read and understand bhuddism. One point was the most important. Do not bond or attach to anything in this world. Anything. Do not have desires. Desires are the origin of pain and suffering.

Somehow, I thought that losing that bonds will obviously make you lose suffering. You suffer for the things you love or care about. For the people you love or care about. Even if that thing is not with you. But that is bond. And attachment. If you don't care for the things and persons of the world, you won't suffer. It leads you to a peaceful state...but it has its price. You resign happiness.

I do not know if I am right. I do not know If I am misunderstanding the teachings of the Bhudda. Or even misunderstanding human feelings. But is how I feel now.

Someone I met, not so much time ago is considering to leave. I should feel happy. That person is, like everyone else, pursuing or trying to find what is the best way in life. I do not know that person a long time ago...but recently, I have developed some affinity, some friendship, even some affection, and I like it, because, even though we are different in a lot of things, we can talk, we can share, even a little time so on.

And I feel sad...I know that might be selfish, because I want to know that person better...maybe share more time, thoughts, feelings, a friendship....but is painful, that I am also searching my own path, and I shall leave to find it too.

I'm sad, because when I started to dispel my loneliness, to find people in the world, to share my life, to share feelings, to share smiles, to share affection, to share tears and pains, to help....and then times go by, life goes on.....

It is sad to make a friend, just to watch that friend leave...

But....do whatever you have to do, to find your way...to be yourself, to pursuit your mission, to be happy, to be in peace.....

Good Evening.

As you may have noticed, I put out some entries. By the way thanks. I looked for help and I guess I am doing better. I was going to write some other stuff, but now, it is forgotten. All I know is about that I feel like weeks ago. Nervous, like a lion in a cage. Thinking (maybe too much, maybe just enough). Asking myself. In sometimes losing against the feelings that assault me. But right now, my mind is busy, not with the desicions that I took, but with the decisions that I am taking. A lot of people told me: do what you must to do to be happy, you worry too much, go, fly, try, don't be afraid of mistakes, never is late. Some of my paradigms are still making noises in my mind...some of those advices were just that, advices, but they are also making sound.

I took a decision again. I am deeply worried about it. I have mistaken before. I do not know if it is right. I do not know if it is going to help me to become the person that I want to be, or even If I am going to live to see that.

But I shall give myself the chance. One of the chances that I didn't give me in the past.

I just hope this path lead me to light.....

Reminder for me.

Don't try to change the whole universe in one day.