Unrequited.

The word of the week. The word of the last days. Things have been pretty well until today. Well, maybe I just need to get use to this constant ups and downs. Though, I don't think that is normal. But suddenly I am realizing that there is no such thing as "normal". Maybe just "common" or "usual", "popular". Or maybe it is just that something is happening to me, maybe I am like Budha when he started to look at the things that were lying outside the walls of his father's palace. Of course that I am far away of a thing such illumination, but sometimes I feel that way. Like that Keane song "Is it any wonder", one of the verses says: " I always thought that I knew, I'd always have the right to, be living in the kingdom of the good and true".

But to the topic. Unrequited. I came to this word looking at Wikipedia. I didn't know the meaning. Then I started to search and realized in the words that I read, that the meaning was in me, because I was sort of living one of the common uses of that word. Unrequited love. I don't know why do I call this feeling love. Maybe because it is overwhelming. It has been that way this last four months. But my words have been here since then. At least some of them. But, as usual, I found some interesting phrases that say pretty much how I felt:

"Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration".

"I don't think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes and dashed with punishing regularity"

" How can a person deal with unrequited love? Being in love with someone who doesn't love them back, or even care to know how much you love them? As we don't fall in love by choice, is there any way to overcome this curse?"

"Unrequited love is like cancer. It eats your insides up and makes you feel depressed, lost and suicidal. You experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, anger and pain every night and day. You just loose interest in life." 

Or just as Wikipedia says:

"Unrequited love is a love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-steem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  In extreme cases, it might even lead to suicide. 

And so on. From love to hate. From infatuation to despise. 

Now, the question. How the fuck do I get over it. I really want to. I want to see that person and do not feel. Feel nothing. But instead of that... I feel deep hate. Mixed anger and hate. Justified hate and deceive. For the lies, the hipocrisy, the treason to the friendship. Unjustified. Because of the feelings that are not reciprocate. 

I want to get rid of these. Because I don't want to hate you. I don't want to wish you the worse things. I don't want you to wish you a horrible life, full of sickness, disease, treason and a painfull and slow death.

That's not me. 

Incoherence...

Uncertainty and other stuff. Things that are broken and cannot be mend. Loneliness that prevails. Fear that goes on and on. Envy, hate, anger. Things that run through my mind tonight. Night of boring and loneliness... I should really go to sleep...

Rain falls

Inside....Because outside there is no thing such rain. After a couple of days of not so badness, it comes a sudden mix of feelings of anger, sadness, envy and uncertainty. I don't want the future, nor the past...I WANT THE PRESENT, THIS PRESENT....and I feel so angry for that that I am going to stop writing this right fuckin' now

This could be...

Oh simple thing...where have you gone...I'm getting old and I need something to rely on...

This could be the end of everything.....

At the edge...

Of this time, why I hate weekend?

It makes me more anxious

more sad

more lonely

more rejected

more lost

more gloomy

whatsoever

I've got to work tomorrow....

¿Por qué será que no me extraña?

El Noveno nivel del infierno, según Dante. El más terrible, en presencia del mismisimo demonio. 

Nivel 9 - Cocytus.

Este es el más profundo nivel del infierno, donde reside Satan, el ángel caído. Sus alas aletean eternamente, produciendo fríos vientos que congelan el grueso hielo que se encuentra en Cocytus. Los tres rostros de Satan, negro, amarillo y rojo, pueden ser vistos con una espuma sanguinolenta escurriendo de sus bocas, y con sus ojos, por siempre llorando, mientras mastican a los tres traidores, Judas, Brutus y Casssius. Es este el lugar más alejado de toda luz y calor. Los pecadores son aquí congelados profundamente en el hielo, cara hacia afuera, ojos y boca cerrados por el frio. Los traidores contra Dios, país, familia, amigos y benefactores lamentan sus pecados en este frio pozo de desesperación.

Conozco a alguién que acabará ahi... se lo merece realmente

Another crappy weekend

So it is. I haven't uploaded a series of photographs that, by suggestion of someone, are going to be called "Road through madness". I haven't uploaded them because I cannot find the fuckin' cable of the camera, and I lend my card reader. So, my pictures are isolated in the camera right now. But I don't even know for sure if those pictures are there. Or even If I want to look at them and remember those days that haven't ended yet, for I can see, I still feel odd about it. I want to be over Tokyo. 

Cause there's no memories over Tokyo...

And there's no hurting over Tokyo...

And so goes on the song (Over Tokyo, Collective Soul). So that's it. A bit of loneliness and songs for the loneliness. Or what did I expected? I don't know. People always says that expectations are no good. That you shouldn't have expectations about anything. But I don't know anyone who doesn't have them. So that's it, it's all crap. And that expectations are going to screw me up  (even more if it is possible). 

Last days I was thinking that I was starting to doing fine, that my senses were coming again to me and that I was starting to function, function. Suddenly, it is not true. 

But here I am (like somebody else use to say) with envy and anger growing,  a pain in the neck (literally) and wanting to shout and punch everything. 

So, after all these non-sense writing I understand why everybody hates me and rejects me.  Or at least I think. I must be far away.

Testing Horroroscope...

Saturday, November 10th, 2007.

Aries: 

You have been left behind 5 times in the same day, thing that confirms how pathetic you  are. That and your really bad luck in finding twice a fuckin'  stinky person on the same day are the result on a conjunction of Jupiter and Mars, or maybe, you're just miserable. Maybe that's why you are lonely writing this crap on a saturday night. Maybe nobody likes you at all, I wouldn't either 'cause you're always whining for the same crap. 

Strange week.

In which strange things happened. But the most important thing. M4st3r-X- is perfectly fine. I thank God (yes, the God who I unleash my anger sometimes seems to be doing good things actually) for that.

But what else happened? Well, I had the flu. It was very unpleasant, actually. And also, I was isolated from almost everyone I care of. Isolation...ostracism? Well, certainly not ostracism, tough it was a "voluntary" act. I put between inverted commas voluntary because although I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't stop it. Some inner force or inner voice (no I'm not hallucinating) was making me doing so. Why do I say it was not voluntary? Because I don't want to be alone. Is one of the things that I suffer the most. That cause me the greatest emotional pains and lead me to a kind of dispair, of not knowing what to do or how to fix it.

But I was doing exactly the opposite. Paradoxic.

Isolation. One of the things that I am trying to avoid. The things that I am trying to escape of. And the things that I do. But why? Why is not possible to relieve or let out this feelings of me.? Or, If it is possible, why I am not able to make it?. Why I struggle every day with an anger and a rage that comes and goes and every day is getting stronger. With a sadness that doesn't want to leave out. With an envy and a hate that drains my energy. With an eternal "Why" on my lips and on my mind.

In what I have become?...
I haven't laughed in days. I barely smile. This cannot be good (doh!) But I just don't know how to fix it... and it's just like my friend Phoenicoperus said: "Es fácil hablar de la carga, cuando tu no la estas cargando" or "It's easy to talk about the load, when you are not carrying it" I just don't want to lose the hope that I keep. The hope that I would be able to make through this situations and stop causing so much stress, worries and annoyance to the people that I love, to the point of abandon.

Anyway...is getting late.
I want this posts to become so less frequent....