Sunday hangover...but it is Thursday!

And decisions are odd. Efforts are odd. Everything is odd. Somehow, something that a teacher told me once turns out to be truth: "how can you possibly think or believe that you know someone if you barely know you? I just don't know. Maybe it's a false certainty that we need to "function" or walk through the world and time without becoming insane. But it is false. So, if you believe it, you will be very dissapointed. Because you will think, speak, plan, act, without a real fundation but your own personal fantasy about the people that you "know". I don't know why humans aren't like wolves or something else. It would be easier. But nature has been cruel. It cursed us with the need to relate with those beings that look at you, thinking, even for a brief moment about you, like an object, like an objective, as if you were a mere instrument to his/her means. And that's it. Humans try to relate with each other, but with a lot of stupid expectations that cannot be rid off.

Anyway, I don't know if this has any sense.

Hey, man, I'm alive...

Gotta live my life....

(si si, no todo tiene que ser negativo en este blog o en mi aunque se asombren)

And what happened after monday?

After monday and all that memories came the fear. That fear was precedid by a passive feeling. Does the suffix "algia" make any sense?  Yes, from the greek "algos". Pain. Nostos. Coming home. Idealizing things. Nostalgia. That's the word we're lookin' for. The present becames again infiltrated by the past. And the fear also recalls my mind to the future. Present time, struggling between the things that were (but are not anymore) and the things that are going to be (maybe). As the struggle to manage the relationships with another human beings is partially stable, then it cames the inminent change, that will shatter those weak bonds that I try to hold together. I fear the loosing of the little that I have. I fear when I look at the relationships (so called) that I have, because it reminds me things that were, if not ideal, better. But also recalls some ideas. And envy. Envy of the people that had a sense of pertenence. Happy memories shared with friends, partners, romances... I can only recall wanting those things....

I was writing yesterday...

And I said that I will continue today. Memories. This weekend wasn't the best at all. I was wavering through my expectations: I stayed at home, hoping to be anywhere else. I stayed alone, hoping to be with someone. Wondering again why this turn of things, when I resolved to be optimistic and better, to solve my issues. Then, the night came. And as soon as I closed my eyes to try to sleep they came. The memories. Memories of a short time, when I was with someone. I enjoyed staying with that person. I enjoyed the chats we had. I felt strange. I wasn't feeling lonely. I was thinking that, at last I was finding a place, that I was functioning as a person...That I was deeply special to someone, and that someone was also deeply special. Then, it all finished. And I think it was my fault. Because I made myself illusions from nothing. But the memories came without warning the last night. I was remembering all the good stuff. That was supposed to be good isn't it? Well, no. They were tainted with a fact. It all belong to the past. Exists no more. Probably my fault. Weekend gave me that. A sad look at my instant message program, just to realize that there is no one. Homework to be done, that is not done. Lack of interest. Lack of will. Weekend extended through monday. And monday through fear...Will talk later

A cerca de 4 años.

Realmente no parece que haya escrito mucho o desviado del tema principal (¿?)... Esta bien no hay tema principal, es, como diria Andrea, mezclar un poco mi locura con la de los demás...si es que aceptan tal cosa. Porque hay locuras más peligrosas que otras. ¿qué tal la locura de la memoria? Esa extraña instancia, facultad, parte de la mente que se dedica a "guardar". Es como un vórtice. Aparentemente tenemos cierto control, pero a veces los recuerdos vienen...sin ser llamados. Si...el pasado se hace presente, por más paradójico que suene o se lea. Tal como los recuerdos que vinieron la noche de anoche. Recuerdos que yo no llame. Pero tal vez continue despues de escribir esto. Ahora no deseo hacerlo más.

I really should think about a tag named "I should be sleeping..."

But seems to be that I am not very good organizing this botomless pit of enthropy (this blog). So, I'm just going to write, or try to, wasting the few phrases and limited abilities to write in a language that I don't even like...I studied it for the sake of convenience, and because my mother told me so, and I was young and inexpert (right now I'm old and inexpert...and if I can add another adjective, also naive and fool enough to...nevermind). Anyway, here I am after a week that started pretty much "well", then turned out to be really bad, to have a pretty good ending, or at least, not THAT bad.  While I repeatedly listen to songs that I used to listen scarcely some years ago, I just keep thinking the words that I am putting in this post. Trying to figure out how to make this bunch of signs look decent, or at least understandable and readable. Just to realize that I may focus on the content instead. But hey! Isn't logic, grammar, and that stuff all about form? Write well...doesn't matter what your write. It can even be possible to captivate and mesmerize the readers if your words are appropiate, beautiful, hipnotizing. The content becomes irrelevant. You can even scream lies through the typing and still convince the people about what you want. Anyway, this post wasn't going to be about these...I just wanted to scream and spit out the toxicity that flows through me. But it's late. Maybe later.

Then again, should be sleeping or doing productive stuff...

But naa, I am drowning on rage, and I don't know why, just seemed to be that things were pretty good actually, which is pretty much a novelty. But now, just anger, and rage. I would like to hide and stay away from every human being...I don't want to see anyone, nor talk to anyone, or relate to anyone. People is obnoxious...disgusting...