Holidays are injurious and bullcrap.

But besides that, I don't have much to say or to write. While I was walking in the rainy night, a lot of thoughts came to my mind. While I was standing at the public square, watching the people and the city I just could thought how twisted the world was. Or maybe I am the twisted one? Because I keep trying (or at least, I think that) to carry on a normal life, or at least a bearable life. But it keeps happening. I cannot "function properly". Maybe it's the fucking postmodernity. That's the feeling that I have, a feeling of alienation, a malfunction in myself that doesn't let me work my way through the world. Why do I think there is something wrong? Well, it might not be enough evidence, but the events that I see in other persons lead me to think that I, or something is wrong. I see people perfectly adapting to every "human" situation without an effort, and enjoying it. If I wouldn't want it, well, that could be reasonable. Tough, it is not the situation. I feel in a constant struggle to achieve some functionality in this human world, at the same time that I feel overwhelmed or dissapointed of it. And that is why I sense a problem. If I wasn't interested at all, then it wouldn't be a problem. On the other hand, If I had the sense of "I'm fine as a person and a member of this world" there would be no problem. But there is a problem, and it has that character because there is no apparent solution. Worked towards a solution: yes, definitely yes. I think I tried. But doesn't seem to work. Besides, I'm tired of people that don't understand and believes it is only a "matter of thinking" or "naa why do you think that, life is beautiful, just look at the sun, the flowers". Really, that people don't help at all, and just make it worse. It only shows how ignorant and devoid of empathy is the people. I cannot speak freely of what I feel and I don't know why. But in the brink of total lack of reason, I write it down on a web log that anyone can see, maybe with a wicked hope of finding some kind of help, relief or even pity. Mmmm pity me because I seem to be so full of foolishness. Sorrounded and strangulated by fears, specially the fear of that my chances to achieve some degree of happiness are over. Because I'm getting older and I cannot do what I was supposed to when I was young. And because was already old when I supposed to be young. And as usual, I'm ranting, insomniac an irrational. So I will try to sleep. 

Continuing with the absurd.

And yes. Because somehow I felt victim of the absurd. Last week, among the stress and the hurry, things seemed to have a meaning. Everything seemed to have a meaning. Now, I find trying every other thing pointless. And I feel odd. Suddenly I don't know what to do. What to think. What to expect. I wish that my sleep would save my mind, relieve me from my strangeness... make me a real boy... well, no, but maybe a normal person, if there is such. To stop the suffering of dealing with another humans...anyway, I will try to sleep. 

13 de junio...

From El Continuum

Nonsense

Foolishness, nonesense, delusion, lies. bla bla bla bla absurd

Thorns

Yes, I have some thorns on me. Not physically. A lot of work to do and still writing crap. As usual a lot of things come to my mind...And this is about, problems. All of us have problems. Probably all of us think our problems are the worst problems in the world. Nothing can compares. Wrong... You must acknowledge that everyone has problems and that you are not that person, are not in the same fuckin situation and thus, cannot compare your problems in a superlative way against your friend problems, with words like "mines are worse", or "that's nothing compared with my situation", and such. Of course there are some exceptions, as this is not a rule. Choosing between a pink or red dress is not comparable at all with struggling for survive. And following this topic...I'm mad 'cause I cannot tell my problems. It's annoying to listen to everyone, being asked to listen, to help, confort and take care of others....bla maybe i'm just ranting again..

In the middle of the night...

I should be doing anything but blogging. But I cannot help it since it's one of the few ways that I have to release some pressure. And I have lots. Also a way to release frustration (have lots), anger (have lots). Ok, no more ranting. Well. I will rant a little bit more while trying to stop my anxiety for the finals. Anyway...it wouldn't be end term without that anxiety. Or would it? If I had twitter or some crap like that my state would be: hate + stress. Hate, well I don't know why...I really shouldn't be having those feelings. But I can't help it. They just come, stress, anger, anxiety, loneliness. Everything with a dressing of guilt. As usual...regrets caught me and I fall under them. Sometimes would be nice if some light would shine me, if God would try to help me a bit, if living weren't so fuckin' painful every fuckin day...Ok no more ranting.