I still have odd thought....memories...

About a year was another life to me. I was sad sometimes, but generally I managed my living. It wasn't perfect. But it was better. Now. What's left of me?. A year ago a series of nightmares started. But the worst thing is that I won't wake up. 'Cause I am not dreaming at all. THIS is how life is. The fear of leaving in the worst way, the strange ideas. Pills aren't magic. It's amazing how everything turned out this way. Doesn't matter. It will end, probably in a terrible way, but it is going to end.

Rx

 

Veinticuatro.

Veinticuatro....el veinticuatro se fue.

Otro veinticuatro se fue.

Hoy veinticuatro hace seis meses que fue veinticuatro.

Hoy veinticuatro me quedo mas solo.

Solo soy uno.....

Tengo veinticuatro

Damn

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN......AAAAAAAHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, SADNESS!!!!!!!

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Ups and downs.

That is how the days have been lately. Ups and downs. And it's becoming hard and difficult. I might need help...

Crazy Sunshine.....(I do not know why that's is bouncing in my mind)

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Feel Ill

That's right. In boy and mind. Not too much I can do. Not too much I can say. Just one thing. The xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx a very hard number. And about casualties. I do not know why somedays I feel not as bad, and other days I curse the day that I came to the world. I also stopped writing in my diary. Now I let the world to know the most sensible parts of myself. I do not know why. I do not know anything. I just think that I hope for the weekend. just to realize that are the saddest days of the week. That my life is passing by. That I feel that I am going to die miserably. Sometimes I forgot it. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I have fun. Sometimes I dare to dream about a good future. Usually I dare to dream about happiness. And I just hope everything come to an end. I cannot take more suffering. I just cannot. I cannot deal with the fear. I cannot deal with the pain. I am such a coward. IT IS SUPPOSED THAT ONE SHOULD FIGHT AND FIGHT AGAINST ALL ODDS, CONSIDER THE LIFE THE GREATEST TREASURE. But I just cannot feel that. It's becoming more and more difficult to go everyday, with a mask that everythings allright. I cannot even imagine to make my mother, sister, family, friends any suffering or pain. I am on the edge. I cannot stand it anymore...

(Update: I think that maybe I was just feeling not so well at the time I wrote this..., but I just need to scream sometimes, to release the things that I feel)

One year ago.

What was happening? I was not here. I was pursuing something. Pursuing a dream maybe. Or just pursuing a salvation ship. But I was doing something. I was thinking about doing something. Everything is so different right now. August is like the prelude of disgrace.

Memories

Being a total mess gave me some relief. I forgot the pain. I forgot the anxiety. I forgot the sadness. Now, I turn to myself again. The pain came back. The sadness is here...

One year ago...

I still want those...I can't still have them: http://nortedefuego.blogspot.com/2005/08/quiero-vivir.html

And it seems that I'll never be able to...

A little ashamed...maybe not so little.

This morning I feel a little ashamed. Mainly because I did somethings that time ago I said that I wouldn't do. But maybe that's ok. People change, as somebody wrote in his blog. Nevertheless I think that the essence of everyone is the same. Maybe we lose some of it, we grown and build aroun it, destroy it, cut it, but at least the very essence, the primary essence of ourselves (even ehen buddist say that we should forget that concept) is with us until the day of our departure.

I feel ashamed because I harmed myself with no reason...I harmed myself fisically, and mentally. I did things that I wasn't supposed to do, why? Because it's like if someother myself, sealed and tied all the time, wanted to go out. But he couldn't. He couldn't because I am so tied, so rigid that the only thing that happened to me was a hangover.

And because of that I couldn't enjoy the company of my friends.

It's almost like an insult.

So, I am ashamed. For me, for them.

Soy un incoherente.

Asi de simple

Sin mucho que decir.

But as usual, commiting some non-commercial plagiarism to a few songs...these night is all I have to say...

Father, father, father help us....

And seems that, as usual, the answer is no....

What are you wearing today.

And I am not talking about clothes. I refer to the masks. A very popular, somehow "clishé" subject. Are you wearing a mask? Or you show yourself always, everytime, day and night? Do you reveal what you feel, what you think, what you are? Or just wander with a fake smile, showing just what the mask let you show? Maybe a little, maybe nothing.

Or is your mask something like an aid? An artifact that helps you to control yourself, showing the parts that you might show in a moment, or helping you to hide from everyone, preventing harm?

Are you really yourself?

I don't know. That's why I made such questions. Meanwhile, I shall put down the sadness mask that I was wearing. So bad that every morning I open my eyes, and the mask is already on me.

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