Crazy talk

X: I am not a masoquist.
Z: I didn't say that.
X: But you implied it.
Z: ...
X: You know, maybe I am a masoquist.
Z: See, I knew it, I told you.
X: Yes...since the day we hold each other into our arms, my mind has been wavering.
Z: What?
X: yeah, you know. You hold me, I hold you.
Z: Indeed, but that's because I care about you.
X: I do care about you too. Although I can't stop thinking.
Z: Thinkin' about what?
X: About that windy day, about the sound of your breathing. I thought about it, I think about it.
Z: Why?
X: Because I felt something. Probably, that's why I'm a masoquist. Because I see you every day. I speak to you every day, knowing that sooner or later you'll be gone.
Z: I don't know what to say.
X: Neither do I. What I'm saying is not what I know. Is what I feel. And I feel like a masoquist, because every time I say to you "I don't like you" what I really mean is "I'd love you to love me".
Z: !
X: Every time I call you names I feel like a child in elementary school, trying to get attention from the loved one in a weird way.
X: And even if my memory fades with every moment, I still cling to the feeling I had that day. And it tortures me that sooner than later you'll be away. And I'll be missing you. Actually, I'm mourning the dreaded future every day. So, yes, maybe I am a masoquist...
Z: I guess I have to go now. See you later buddy.
X: Adiós.

Meanings.

Well, hollywood movies, soap operas and even some books and stories point it out pretty easy: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, the fall in love, and live happily ever after (more or less). Obviously there is a lot of intricacies around that, but that's pretty much the main idea. How difficult would it be if this easy (it's not) process at the boy meets girl: considering the amount of people in the world, age ranges, there is a very small possibility to know someone. How about if we better say: boy tries to meet girl, girl tries to meet girl, boy tries to meet boy? Then boy likes girl, but girls doesn't like boy, or viceversa; girl weeps uncontrollably because boy meets another girl, prettier, richer and nicer. Boy tries to meet boy, but he is not in to boys. He tries to get him drunk and gets a hug and almost a kiss. Boy number one (yes, this is getting confusing) then weeps, cries and curses himself for feeling the way he feels. He may be misinterpreting otherwise affection signals that are not towards him in a romantic way.

Well, how about those untold stories, those everyday lifes that strive everyday to make ends meet, to find the ultimate prize told by every magazine, movie and tv show? Love, affection, sex, money, happiness. No one knows about it. But everyone strives. Just to feel affection. Just to feel love and to try to give love. But it ain't that simple

How to regain freedom.

There is a frequent question concerning whether or not to keep writing on a blog. As far as it seems, I has very few hits or traffic. Nonetheless, at some point, it can be a good exercise. Because there is a fundamental difference between a personal blog and a log or diary. And it is about possibility and openess. It's trying to overcome barriers. A personal diary or log has fewer possibilities to reach beyond the self. A blog, although has issues concerning indirect communication and anonimity, has the chance to launch oneself to the others, to reach out  other people by means of the words and ideas written on it, to form a connection or to consolidate one. I know sometimes that isn't the case; nonetheless, is useful specially for people who has problems to express themselves, and otherwise, it would be more difficult or nearly impossible to make such attempt.

After writing this statement, then is possible to ask a question about matters spoken in the last posts. How to regain freedom. When a person experiments a feeling, there can be different outcomes concerning the awareness of such feeling. The person can deny it, pretend that it not exists. But also can acknowledge it, which in theory should ease some distress if the feeling is stressful (sadness, grief, sorrow, etc.) Also, there can be a glimpse about the cause of such feeling (separation from the beloved one, rejection, and so on). Then, the cognitive connection is made. But somehow, it is not enough for the affective part. It is difficult to remove the causes, as they are external to the self. Neither is possible to avoid them, as the world is a contingent place and it is impossible to control the outcomes of every action, every decision, for every being.

How to cope with it? Of course, in situations that imply some distress, feelings about it should be expected. Nonetheless which is the normal point? When you miss someone, what is normal? How can be measured the level of pain that you have until you can continue living without thinking constantly about it? Because that can constitute a problem: as every moment in life is plagued with goodbyes and departures of different sorts, a person has to develop some adaptative stance, otherwise, there could be a state of perpetual grief.

Anyway, here, as always, the main question is how: how to adapt to those changes? How to experience a healthy grief? Healthy in the sense that the pain can be recognized as unavoidable, but somehow, assimilated so, the person can enjoy his present.

This is a very difficult question. One that poses important issues for a healthy living. And a question for which I haven't found a satisfactory answer.

Goodbye 3.

To say goodbye, is to start a mourning. As just as every goodbye is different, every mourning too. As I said before, everyday in life is plagued with farewells and partings. People abandon their hometown to work, study, the sake of travel, to follow love (or something like that)

But I guess the hardest part is for those who stay behind, those who have to watch their beloved ones board the bus, train, plane, car or ship.

And it's pretty much senseless isn't it? Of course, there are situations that are plagued with sadness and grief: when there is an extreme need to runaway from danger, when the destiny isn't fully planned or uncertain, or when you may not see each other again.

Nevertheless, when departure is planned, and unto a brighter future, happiness should be present and lasting. At least, that's what logic would tell us. If you care for the well-being of your beloved ones, you should feel happy when they undertake a trip to make their goals, to maximize their happiness. This is not always the case.

I'm not sure if it is possible to define it as selfishness, but it is highly probable that you feel sad, even if the person you love is going for the best. But there always will be a looming feeling of abandonment, of loneliness, of the need you had for that person. Love is free and non dependent, at least in theory, although it sounds more like a battle to supress the sadness felt when the loved one departs.

Or it might be a self preservation instinct reaction. And besides, which are the limits of the mourning? How to identify over and under reactions? But more importantly...how to enjoy life, enjoy the present when you feel deprived of someone who helped you to feel happy. How to regain independence and, of course, deal with the pain, but not let it overcome and paralyze you?

Sadly, I've got no answers for that. I really hope someone does. If you know someone who does, please let me know.

Reflecting on the self.

Or probably a self-reflection?  Have you ever come to question one of the (supposed) foundations that your life has? The self, the "I"?
Have you ever doubt yourself in such a way that you come to doubt the very concept of I, or self?
Well, suddenly everything comes under the shadow of doubt. I am no longer sure if I do what I do because I want to.
The movies I see, the music I hear, the books I read. I don't know any longer If I search for those things on my own, or if I am trying to build a new I based on the external, and the other persons.
And it feels odd. Pretty much like a losing of identity, being totally determined by anything but me.
But isn't the self an artificial construction anyway?
I don't know, and the feeling is quite confusing and numbing...

Hopes and expectations.

Don't have any of those. That's the general advice. Why? Because that way you will not be dissapointed, deceived, your heart will not break, and a lengthly etcetera.
Nevertheless...can that task really be achieved? Aren't humans always trying to achieve some goals, like pleasure, stability, love, success? Isn't it?
I believe so. It's essencially difficult to ignore all the wishes, longings, and drives that everyday make the people wake up, drag themselves upon a cruel world and try, try, try.

I can't expect to not expect.
Although, as always, there's a catch.

You can expect whatever you want, desire everything. But that doesn't mean it will happen. There are always things beyond our power, things that are not going to happen, even if our heart is set upon them.

And that hurts...and will hurt.

When it becomes impossible to give an answer.

A: -Make it more personal.

B: -MORE PERSONAL! It's a freakin' blog, it is as personal as it can be. Actually, is too personal for a blog.

A:-Ok nevermind. Write about that thing.

B: -Which thing?

A: -The thing that happened the other day. When you...you know...When you spoke about...

B: -What? About me? 

A: - Yes.

B: - I pretty much always talk about me in the blog.

A: - Yes, yes...But this time you said it directly.

B: - Mmm. I spoke of what happened in a descriptive manner. But actually, I had an ace under my sleeve.

A: - Oh really?

B: - Why do you doubt me?

A: - Well, if you had such ace, you wouldn't be feeling as you are right now.

B: - What do you know about how I feel?

A: - D'ohhh.

B: - Don't think of yourself so high. 

A:- Ok, ok, you can deny it, but that won't change the facts. Even if you would deny everything you feel I can feel it too.

B: - If you say so.

A: - I'll give you a little help. It wasn't that terrible, wasn't it?

B: - No, even if I think that I would not do it again. It is still difficult.

A. - Why?

B: - Because it has always been. I can remember feeling a lot of things, trying to write them, trying to figure them out, just to find myself running amok one maze to another. But even in "safe environments" it has always been difficult to talk about it. To figure it out.

A: - It is understandable indeed. But why do you feel bad about it.

B: -Because no matter how much do I say (or confess, even if the term is not adequate), write, scream and weep. Things doesn't seem to change.

A: - I can explain that.

B: - Oh really? Can you?

A: - Certainly.

B: - Explain then.

A: -Things don't change.

B: -Is that all you great explanation?

A: -You should change...but you haven't changed either. 

B: I have changed.

A: - Of course. But there are more changes that need to be made.

B: - I'm tired.

A: - Of holding?

B: - Yes. Even now, when I confessed, I held myself. I held the confusion ensuing when I was speaking. I held those feelings.

A: - Which one? Love?

B: - I don't know. I'm not sure.

A: - Then it cannot be love. You would be sure.

B: - Says who?

A: - Me.

B: - Well maybe it is love. I won't deny the possibility.

A. So?

B: It is tainted.

A: What?

B: Tainted, cursed to never happen. Cursed to rot inside of me as it gnaws my feelings. Cursed with jealousy, with envy, with hatred.

A. That's a big bunch of words. Are you even sure of that?

B: I don't know...but it adds to the looming despair. To the fact that I am lost trying to find a place in the life, to follow dreams that I'm not sure of, to survive, to love, to live. There are too many battlefronts and just one me.

A: Just one...how ironic.

B: ...

A. You know what I mean.

A: Ok. But it doesn't even make sense just to wallow in such feelings.

B: I just would like a hug...from that person. Another hug...

A: You're doing it again.

B: What?

A: "That"

B: I don't mind, nor care. I'm afraid...I am exposed...again. and last time wasn't very nice.

A: Those are facts of life. You can't avoid them.

B: And that sucks.

A: It kinda does.

B: But I can't stand it any longer. These stupid calls for help. THis confusion. THe jealousy, the resentment. The looming despair.

A: Now you're a poet who uses fancy words?

B: No. My words and my use of them are pedestrian and puerile.

A: Ohh come on.

B: But I just know that I don't want to feel that way again. Even if that's a confirmation that I have feelings and the possibility to express them. It just seems the odds aren't in my favor. Ever.

A: Letting yourself lose.

B. No.

B: I just know that I want that affection. Just in the way that I wished it years before, months before. And how those 2 cases ended. And now I wish for it. Even if I know that all my love and affection won't be enough. Because I'm not the right one.

A: mixing a lot of things don't you.

B. I can't avoid to feel it.

A: But you wallow in it.

B: I don't.

A. Whatever...