B: -MORE PERSONAL! It's a freakin' blog, it is as personal as it can be. Actually, is too personal for a blog.
A:-Ok nevermind. Write about that thing.
B: -Which thing?
A: -The thing that happened the other day. When you...you know...When you spoke about...
B: -What? About me?
A: - Yes.
B: - I pretty much always talk about me in the blog.
A: - Yes, yes...But this time you said it directly.
B: - Mmm. I spoke of what happened in a descriptive manner. But actually, I had an ace under my sleeve.
A: - Oh really?
B: - Why do you doubt me?
A: - Well, if you had such ace, you wouldn't be feeling as you are right now.
B: - What do you know about how I feel?
A: - D'ohhh.
B: - Don't think of yourself so high.
A:- Ok, ok, you can deny it, but that won't change the facts. Even if you would deny everything you feel I can feel it too.
B: - If you say so.
A: - I'll give you a little help. It wasn't that terrible, wasn't it?
B: - No, even if I think that I would not do it again. It is still difficult.
A. - Why?
B: - Because it has always been. I can remember feeling a lot of things, trying to write them, trying to figure them out, just to find myself running amok one maze to another. But even in "safe environments" it has always been difficult to talk about it. To figure it out.
A: - It is understandable indeed. But why do you feel bad about it.
B: -Because no matter how much do I say (or confess, even if the term is not adequate), write, scream and weep. Things doesn't seem to change.
A: - I can explain that.
B: - Oh really? Can you?
A: - Certainly.
B: - Explain then.
A: -Things don't change.
B: -Is that all you great explanation?
A: -You should change...but you haven't changed either.
B: I have changed.
A: - Of course. But there are more changes that need to be made.
B: - I'm tired.
A: - Of holding?
B: - Yes. Even now, when I confessed, I held myself. I held the confusion ensuing when I was speaking. I held those feelings.
A: - Which one? Love?
B: - I don't know. I'm not sure.
A: - Then it cannot be love. You would be sure.
B: - Says who?
A: - Me.
B: - Well maybe it is love. I won't deny the possibility.
A. So?
B: It is tainted.
A: What?
B: Tainted, cursed to never happen. Cursed to rot inside of me as it gnaws my feelings. Cursed with jealousy, with envy, with hatred.
A. That's a big bunch of words. Are you even sure of that?
B: I don't know...but it adds to the looming despair. To the fact that I am lost trying to find a place in the life, to follow dreams that I'm not sure of, to survive, to love, to live. There are too many battlefronts and just one me.
A: Just one...how ironic.
B: ...
A. You know what I mean.
A: Ok. But it doesn't even make sense just to wallow in such feelings.
B: I just would like a hug...from that person. Another hug...
A: You're doing it again.
B: What?
A: "That"
B: I don't mind, nor care. I'm afraid...I am exposed...again. and last time wasn't very nice.
A: Those are facts of life. You can't avoid them.
B: And that sucks.
A: It kinda does.
B: But I can't stand it any longer. These stupid calls for help. THis confusion. THe jealousy, the resentment. The looming despair.
A: Now you're a poet who uses fancy words?
B: No. My words and my use of them are pedestrian and puerile.
A: Ohh come on.
B: But I just know that I don't want to feel that way again. Even if that's a confirmation that I have feelings and the possibility to express them. It just seems the odds aren't in my favor. Ever.
A: Letting yourself lose.
B. No.
B: I just know that I want that affection. Just in the way that I wished it years before, months before. And how those 2 cases ended. And now I wish for it. Even if I know that all my love and affection won't be enough. Because I'm not the right one.
A: mixing a lot of things don't you.
B. I can't avoid to feel it.
A: But you wallow in it.
B: I don't.
A. Whatever...
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