A few days ago....

A few days ago I was trying to write something here, but since I am now addicted to a time consuming game, and also had some work to do at school , I couldn't. Besides, the feelings that I had came at the worst moment, because I don't have a permanent internet connection now. (besides, I am also a fuckin' addict to the fuckin' internet). Even my schoolmates noticed that I was not right, and that's kinda scary. I cannot hide my feelings as I used to do it before. Are you sad was the question. No, I am not, just tired was my answer. But the truth is that I was actually sad. Right now I feel strange. I feel I belong to nowhere. I cannot find peace anywhere. I like what I am studying right now. I am fortunate 'cause I have the chance to do so. I overcame my fears. Then, why do I feel this? Why do I feel that existence is futile, and worthless? Why do I feel that I shouldn't exist? Why do I feel that this have no sense, no purpose, living???. Every time I try to relate to a human being there is fear, uncertainty, there will be always deceiving, loneliness, pain, deception. I also feel strange, because the last year I had a great lost. The year before I had a greater lost. This year I feel that I am having loses. And I am actually feeling loses. And I am angry with this fuckin world and situation, angry with myself for not being good enough to the people that I love and care of. Angry for being envious and stupid, for building a pit of loneliness. I would like to jump off a cliff and soar. But I guess If I do that I would just do a stupid thing. Or maybe not. Maybe I would stop the pain. Not just my pain, but the pain of the people around me. As usual, just bothering and doing stupid things,saying things that have no sense. But hey, it's the way that I have to release this pain that courses me. This pain that every day reminds me that I am not as good as I am supposed to be, and because of that I am cursed to loneliness, even when there is people that do worst things than me, that betrays, lies, gave themselves to the vice of alcohol, sex, drugs, no, I am cursed in this fuckin' unfair life, in which every relation that I made with human beings is condemned to have feelings of dispair.