Bitterness.

So, bitterness that's it. A way of life. A train of thoughts. Which train of thoughts lead us to this point? In which point I became a zoo animal that someone wants to visit anytime he wants. Well, at least people like animals from the zoo. I feel sometimes more like a street dog. But there is no point. Those life has a point, a meaning, an object anyway? My hate against human kind grows stronger everyday, as far as I can see. Everyday I feel more useless. Is it something anything worse than failing at the things that you were suppose to do? The mission of the life, if there is such thing, if there is a meaning? Well, I'm catching the meaning. Loneliness. Being dumped like trash, no matter how stronger your feelings are. No matter how strong are your beliefs, or your faith. Hopeless is this world. Tainted are the things. False are the ideas.

"Be living in the kingdom of the good and true"...

Well, that delusion is coming to an end. I am aware that some of this ideas have no logic. But I feel this way today. I've been feeling that way a long time ago. I don't know why. Maybe the karma is truth and I was terrible in the past. But so far, I think that I overpayed this. But anyhow, nothing matters.

In this swirling vortex....

Yes, a swirling vortex of enthropy...no, that's not mine, but nevermind. Writing from this torn life, between two geographical places, a lot of existencial places. Torn is the word. Yeah, just like that old (now IS OLD) song: "nothing's fine I'm torn, I'm all out of faith... this is how I feel..." and yes, the rest of the song is well known. Torn in pieces, torn in peace, torn torn torn. And every second going tear apart more and more.... Good luck, good night.. I'm done for now.

Is the time coming? Or is it going?...

And after hearing about a bunch of stuff that could be just described as "interpretation" then I start to write this, an interpretation of what I'm being, what happens, what comes to me in a sort of diferent ways. I am listening to a song, but no device is on. My media player is shut down, 'cause I am on a public area. And I don't want to disturb all this mother fuckers. Just watching the branches of trees being blowed and moved by the wind through the window that is right in front of me, well, if you don't count the obstacles of human bodies, tables and computers.... Nevermind. Is the time coming, or is it going..? Don't know, if it were for me, I would stop everything. So I could be in peace. Tired of listening about good things and bad things. About love and jealousy, about friendships that leave to never come back. About that feeling of neverending pain that is underneath, even when you're laughing. THe laugh lasts a second. The pain is forever. Tired of remember a hug that somebody gave me one year ago. Somebody that now I hate with no real reason. But love doesn't have reasons. Neither hate. Hate is more easy to spread. Who cares, who knows?. My head has a strange aching. I am thinking in the future and the past. Again, failing to do what I have. Live the present. But it's just seems so griefing. Two more days, and a conventional mark is going to remember me, even if I don't want to, that times is coming and going. Times like these, in which I just think why. Times when I remember that I was better. I guess I was happy and I didn't realized. Times in which I would like to cease the existence. Why?. Because I am tired of fighting against everything. But mostly, against me. Tired of dreaming of things that aren't going to happen. Tired of feeling that loneliness is the only thing that is left, tired of think about damnation, my damnation, tired of realizing that nothing can fulfill the emptiness that I have. I'm just tired. I want to surrender. I want to rest....

It's so strange.

Yes, it's so strange, but I didn't wanted to look at my blog. It was like watching a wound somehow. I was distant from it, or maybe distant from myself, because this is one of the few paths that I have to reach myself. Kinda strange, isn't it?. But it's true I guess. Writing and putting the soul in its place. I am not as fluent as I used to be. And I am refering to typing, writing, and putting my thoughts in this language ( I don't know what I do this!!!). Nevermind. This was going to be, again, one of my usual claims of misanthropy. But now, I am not sure about it. I was very difficult to start writing. And it's very difficult to write right now. All about feelings and thoughts. Because those are the centerpieces of my life. Maybe that's my problem. I might need some action. Anyway. I write this, from the loneliness of a library. Full of death people that no one knows if they really existed. People who wrote about any kind of things, for any kind of reason, but, most of them, tried to find a meaning (if there is such thing). From the loneliness of my life, that seems to be more lonely every day. Am I accustomed to that? No. I felt that way before and it hurts just as the first time. That's all for today.

Flash, video.

Yesterday I saw a video. It was extremely well maked. It had beautiful graphics, beautiful colors, excelent timing, great music. But it was just so freakin' sad. Fortunately, I don't have the link, but sadly, it is frozen now in my mind. I hated it. Why did I hated it. Because it was just a reminding of what life is, or at least, what my life is. Just trying to find a connection with the people that I care of, and, when you achieved it at last, lose everything. Why? Just 'cause. As I said, I don't have the link, and I don't want to have it. I don't want to be reminded in my spare time of the things that I have to suffer every fuckin' day. I am trying to forget that.

A few days ago....

A few days ago I was trying to write something here, but since I am now addicted to a time consuming game, and also had some work to do at school , I couldn't. Besides, the feelings that I had came at the worst moment, because I don't have a permanent internet connection now. (besides, I am also a fuckin' addict to the fuckin' internet). Even my schoolmates noticed that I was not right, and that's kinda scary. I cannot hide my feelings as I used to do it before. Are you sad was the question. No, I am not, just tired was my answer. But the truth is that I was actually sad. Right now I feel strange. I feel I belong to nowhere. I cannot find peace anywhere. I like what I am studying right now. I am fortunate 'cause I have the chance to do so. I overcame my fears. Then, why do I feel this? Why do I feel that existence is futile, and worthless? Why do I feel that I shouldn't exist? Why do I feel that this have no sense, no purpose, living???. Every time I try to relate to a human being there is fear, uncertainty, there will be always deceiving, loneliness, pain, deception. I also feel strange, because the last year I had a great lost. The year before I had a greater lost. This year I feel that I am having loses. And I am actually feeling loses. And I am angry with this fuckin world and situation, angry with myself for not being good enough to the people that I love and care of. Angry for being envious and stupid, for building a pit of loneliness. I would like to jump off a cliff and soar. But I guess If I do that I would just do a stupid thing. Or maybe not. Maybe I would stop the pain. Not just my pain, but the pain of the people around me. As usual, just bothering and doing stupid things,saying things that have no sense. But hey, it's the way that I have to release this pain that courses me. This pain that every day reminds me that I am not as good as I am supposed to be, and because of that I am cursed to loneliness, even when there is people that do worst things than me, that betrays, lies, gave themselves to the vice of alcohol, sex, drugs, no, I am cursed in this fuckin' unfair life, in which every relation that I made with human beings is condemned to have feelings of dispair.

Thanks

Thanks M4st3r-X for the .pandawesome banner.

misanthropy

Why?, I'd rather say, why not?. Maybe it's the day, maybe it's me, maybe it's just that the way it is, but this is how I feel right now. I shouldn't? Don't know. I just find things so annoying, everything so annoying, breathing so annoying that I want everything to come to an end. Just burst in rage and anger, no matter what, no caring about consequences. I just think that things are that way and I feel angry about that. Why? I don't fuckin' know. Maybe because I feel that something is going wrong, that life is not fair, that I feel more abandoned every day even when I am ashamed of admitting it, because I need to express what I feel but I don't want to be judged, nor that awful person to read this. Well, who knows, and who cares. I don't think anyone. I don't think nobody. Everybody sucks and that's true. Everybody deserves nothing.

Forlorn...that's the word

Affliction, curses, shadow...

Curses. That is what these days were. At least for me. Sometimes, the things that are meant to put the people together are the things that separate us. A step ahead someone says. A step, well, a lot of steps behind say I. Everything unbond by a dream, or, better said, a nightmare. The peace is gone. There is no such thing in my mind, or in my soul. The fear is ever present. And I cannot forget...I cannot forget that person. About six months and I still have the thoughts, the feelings, and the hate. And also, a strange wave of bad luck and sickness. Somehow, I realize the reason of this situation. That's why I cannot be with the people. Steppen wolf. Human kind is not my kind, and is  not kind also. Today, I don't want to know anything, of anyone. I just want to sleep. In a dream that help me to scape of this thoughts. My virtues don't make up the other things...

There are things that I cannot tell, I don't know where to go. Maybe it's a punishment for all the hate, for being this way, or maybe God just hates me and hates everyone. The envy consumes me, the anger hurts me, the loneliness fades me into nothing....

I don't know where I'm going...just know that tomorrow I am heading somewhere...but there in my loneliness, nobody would know if I do not come back....

Hace tanto tiempo.

So it is. A long time ago since the last time that I wrote something here. A lot of changes and feelings as usual. Huge changes I guess, but I think I tend to overreact about them. Sometimes I feel that I am doing wrong, but at this point, I don't know what would I do, instead of what I am doing now. I cannot go back. And I am afraid to go forward. Jajajaja pretty hilarious isn't it. So, basically, I'm kind of trapped. Because I don't want to go back to a reality in which I will just grow old and wish for something better. But I am not sure of what I am doing now. But at least, I've managed to do it for about a week. Is this the right way? I don't know for sure. Well, now I know that I do not know anything for sure. I'm just here, riskin' just like it is supposed to be, even when I think that I am too old for that, that I should stop playing around and get a life. But, hey, this is my life. I don't want to live it in function of what other people says that is good or right. I don't want to be a stereotype, or live my life because somebody told me "hey, you should to that because it is what you're supposed to do". Just because. But it's difficult. Difficult in my mind, and in my heart. But I think that I am risking for the right causes. Even if I fail, it wouldn't matter, I failed a lot in the past, but at least I am trying to live what I want to live, and to believe in me, although sometimes I don't feel that way. 

Well, guess that's all right now. But I am still here , in this glorious and schizophrenic blog jajajaja. 

Los árboles...antes de la Edad del Sol y la Luna.

...Entonces Yavanna se incorporó y se irguió sobre Ezellohar, el montículo verde, pero estaba desnudo ahora, y negro; y puso las manos sobre los árboles, pero estos estaban muertos y oscuros, y cada rama que tocaba se quebraba y caía marchita a sus pies. Entoces muchas voces se alzaron en lamentaciones; y les parecio a los que se apesadumbraban que habían bebido hasta las heces la copa de dolor que Melkor habia escanciado para ellos. Pero no era así.

Yavanna habló ante los Valar diciendo: - La luz de los Árboles se ha ido, y ahora solo vive en los Silmarils de Fëanor. ¡Previsor ha sido! Aún para los más poderosos bajo la égida de Iluvatar hay una obra que solo pueden llevar a cabo una única vez. Di ser a la Luz de los Árboles, y en los confines de Eä nunca más podre hacerlo. Sin embargo, si yo dispusiese de un poco de esa luz, podría devolver la vida a los Árboles antes de que las raíces se corrompieran; y entonces nuestras heridas tendrían remedio, y la malicia de Melkor quedaría confundida...

El Silmarillion.

Este pasaje ha venido mucho a mi cabeza. Solo una vez. Una vez fue la creación, según la tradición. Una vez. Una vez las grandes maravillas. Pero solo hoy, que releí el pasaje, repare en la última parte. Un poco de esa luz. ¿Será que existe tal luz, o es solo una ilusión extraña?

Mighty forces.

Mighty forces struggle inside me. And many forces flow outside. But at the end, everything seems to be related. This year, somehow, I managed to quiet all the noise and listen to my inner voice, and also, to the voice of God, who is always speaking, even when we doesn't pay attention. Even when I don't always believe, or when I think that everything is like a conspiracy from the universe against me. But right now, I will use my favorite phrase: "I don't know". But suddenly, a burst of things came out. Better said, a burst of feelings. In one hand I feel deep fear and uncertainty, nostalgia, sorrow. Then I feel rage, too much rage and anger, wrath. Then I feel anxious. Then, I feel good, I feel and spread love, joy, hapiness. So strange. So many changes, a new life, and I am afraid. But ready.

Yes, even the last post.

Even the last post is true I guess. Even for me, for everyone, as I have been left behind many times for many people, family and friends included, and it goes on. And that's how I am losing faith in people and this world, that is only a bunch of crap. Or as just as  manic. Was fine this afternoon. I'm like shit now. Was fine last week, I was like shit on friday. But how? How does this thing work. I don't really know. Even the new horizons in my life seem meaningless when I feel this way. When the only thing that I wish is death. When I start to hurting myself again. Swallowing my screams and my tears and trying to yell Why? With no answer. And it comes all over me. Envy, sadness, anger. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. But I feel this way. And it is horrible. And I know that everyone is tired of me. I am no good enough. I am bad. I am wrong. And I just want my liefe to come to an end. To stop worrying my mother, my sister, my friends if I keep any. To stop bothering that person that I offered my love, my affection, my loyalty. All for going to waste. But that's how life is, I've just learned. And it doesn't worth it. It doesn't worth all my tears, all the suffering. Even my friends leave me behind. As i said, if i have friends. But I don't blame them. They have they lives. I don't blame them if they don't want me around, if they used to hang out with me in weekends... If I am boring and depressing. It doesn't surprise me that I am alone. Everyone has their one lifes. It's not my fault that my life is a crap. Or it is? It's because I am a bad person? It's because I'm too stupid? It's because I am selfish and mean? Really I am??

Why I am not death now?

Why?

I deserve it

I want it......

$@%che gente

Si, $@%che gente +#&era todos valen *&%ga. TODOS

Cementerio de blogs perdidos.

Así es, esta noche rindo tributo a los caídos. Aunque igual, en este caso solo es necesaria la voluntad para la resurrección de los mismos.

La Madriguera del Cine.

La Madriguera del Perezoso.

Geek Crew.

Pregúntolo.

Hidalgo del Parral

Lo interesante del asunto es que en al menos 4 de estos blogs esta la mano de PerseoX, al cual pueden visitar actualmente en su guarida.

Unrequited.

The word of the week. The word of the last days. Things have been pretty well until today. Well, maybe I just need to get use to this constant ups and downs. Though, I don't think that is normal. But suddenly I am realizing that there is no such thing as "normal". Maybe just "common" or "usual", "popular". Or maybe it is just that something is happening to me, maybe I am like Budha when he started to look at the things that were lying outside the walls of his father's palace. Of course that I am far away of a thing such illumination, but sometimes I feel that way. Like that Keane song "Is it any wonder", one of the verses says: " I always thought that I knew, I'd always have the right to, be living in the kingdom of the good and true".

But to the topic. Unrequited. I came to this word looking at Wikipedia. I didn't know the meaning. Then I started to search and realized in the words that I read, that the meaning was in me, because I was sort of living one of the common uses of that word. Unrequited love. I don't know why do I call this feeling love. Maybe because it is overwhelming. It has been that way this last four months. But my words have been here since then. At least some of them. But, as usual, I found some interesting phrases that say pretty much how I felt:

"Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration".

"I don't think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes and dashed with punishing regularity"

" How can a person deal with unrequited love? Being in love with someone who doesn't love them back, or even care to know how much you love them? As we don't fall in love by choice, is there any way to overcome this curse?"

"Unrequited love is like cancer. It eats your insides up and makes you feel depressed, lost and suicidal. You experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, anger and pain every night and day. You just loose interest in life." 

Or just as Wikipedia says:

"Unrequited love is a love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-steem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  In extreme cases, it might even lead to suicide. 

And so on. From love to hate. From infatuation to despise. 

Now, the question. How the fuck do I get over it. I really want to. I want to see that person and do not feel. Feel nothing. But instead of that... I feel deep hate. Mixed anger and hate. Justified hate and deceive. For the lies, the hipocrisy, the treason to the friendship. Unjustified. Because of the feelings that are not reciprocate. 

I want to get rid of these. Because I don't want to hate you. I don't want to wish you the worse things. I don't want you to wish you a horrible life, full of sickness, disease, treason and a painfull and slow death.

That's not me. 

Incoherence...

Uncertainty and other stuff. Things that are broken and cannot be mend. Loneliness that prevails. Fear that goes on and on. Envy, hate, anger. Things that run through my mind tonight. Night of boring and loneliness... I should really go to sleep...

Rain falls

Inside....Because outside there is no thing such rain. After a couple of days of not so badness, it comes a sudden mix of feelings of anger, sadness, envy and uncertainty. I don't want the future, nor the past...I WANT THE PRESENT, THIS PRESENT....and I feel so angry for that that I am going to stop writing this right fuckin' now

This could be...

Oh simple thing...where have you gone...I'm getting old and I need something to rely on...

This could be the end of everything.....

At the edge...

Of this time, why I hate weekend?

It makes me more anxious

more sad

more lonely

more rejected

more lost

more gloomy

whatsoever

I've got to work tomorrow....