Why I am not death now?
Why?
I deserve it
I want it......
jueves, diciembre 13, 2007
Yes, even the last post.
Even the last post is true I guess. Even for me, for everyone, as I have been left behind many times for many people, family and friends included, and it goes on. And that's how I am losing faith in people and this world, that is only a bunch of crap. Or as just as manic. Was fine this afternoon. I'm like shit now. Was fine last week, I was like shit on friday. But how? How does this thing work. I don't really know. Even the new horizons in my life seem meaningless when I feel this way. When the only thing that I wish is death. When I start to hurting myself again. Swallowing my screams and my tears and trying to yell Why? With no answer. And it comes all over me. Envy, sadness, anger. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. But I feel this way. And it is horrible. And I know that everyone is tired of me. I am no good enough. I am bad. I am wrong. And I just want my liefe to come to an end. To stop worrying my mother, my sister, my friends if I keep any. To stop bothering that person that I offered my love, my affection, my loyalty. All for going to waste. But that's how life is, I've just learned. And it doesn't worth it. It doesn't worth all my tears, all the suffering. Even my friends leave me behind. As i said, if i have friends. But I don't blame them. They have they lives. I don't blame them if they don't want me around, if they used to hang out with me in weekends... If I am boring and depressing. It doesn't surprise me that I am alone. Everyone has their one lifes. It's not my fault that my life is a crap. Or it is? It's because I am a bad person? It's because I'm too stupid? It's because I am selfish and mean? Really I am??
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There was a guy named Ken Baldwin who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in the 80s. He says he can still see in his mind his hands leaving the rail. Talking about the moment when he had just jumped, he said:
“I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable...except for having just jumped.”
Death isn't the answer to the kind of pain you're feeling. I can understand how it might feel like an answer, but it's not. The answer is to realise that this stuff will pass. You're not the first person to feel real despair and hurt, and you won't be the last. These things are real, but they're not permanent.
Here's another bridge statistic for you. A guy named Richard Seiden followed up on 515 people who had been prevented from jumping off the bridge between 1937 and 1971. 94% of those people were still alive or had died of natural causes. The point is that almost every person, once they had some time to get through whatever crisis had taken them to the bridge, realised that they didn't really want to die. Things got better.
I hope you'll give yourself time to get through this time and realise that you are not bad, worthless, stupid, selfish or mean, or any of those other labels it's so easy to put on ourselves. You don't have to figure out everything today. Just know that things get better.
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