A week

One week has passed since the last time I posted in this blog. As I am starting to write this I am feeling not so good at all. Too many feelings. Too much anger. Maybe I'll write later.

Algo temprano.

Así es. A estas horas también se cuecen habas.O es tal vez que la inspiración no tiene un horario fijo y es como los un órgano interno: realmente no le importa que tengamos que hacer o en que estemos ocupados cuando presenta sus demandas. A punto de emprender un viaje. Bueno, no es un viaje muy largo, pero es uno que no deseo hacer justo ahora.....ups..gotta go esto seguira despues, si la inspiracion es propicia...

Ciao.

Another evening.

PRESENT PRESENT PRESENT!!!!! FOCUS ON PRESENT. At least that's what I've been told to do. It is what a friend says also. It's what I think that I must do.

At this point, most of my existetial issues (I call them that way, I do not know if they really are) are a product of not living right here, right now.

Worrying about things that were, thinking too much about things that are not yet, or even may or may not occur.

Trying to break this ties to the time that hasn't come...It is not easy, but I was managing to achieve it, until.....

Until I was close to an event. A loss.

Losses that have been recently very strong in my life. From the deepest loss (death), to losses that, although aren't that deep, they are also significant. It can be put in one phrase: when somebody leaves.

As I wrote in the last entry. Everybody has to follow their own path. Everyone has it's mission in life (even if they have discovered it or not).

But for me, it is becoming to hard to say goodbye.

Recently I have tested a path. It didn't worked. Why? Probably, it wasn't what I wanted to. Probably, I didn't made enough efforts. Now, I have chosen another path, one that I've considered long time ago. I shall try it, because I need to know if that path is for me, if that path is part of my mission, is part of my life, if it is part of what I want to be.

And I shall have to say good bye. Or maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe there are no goodbyes. Just some "see you later".

But is more difficult when you are a lonely person. For people like me, every friend becomes something very important...almost sacred, When a bond start to grow,then also the affection. When you find someone to share a part of your own life, then, differences shrink....

But is difficult to accept that we have to say good bye or see you. I say "I accept that". But the pain remains. Would be easier if that person has already left. But no, and then, we talk about the beginning. Living in the present. Not in past, nor future.

And turns to be a more difficult when that person take influence on you, and make you question your own life.

Although, I guess that will be a topic for another entry.

Good Night.

By the way, Paulo Coelho writings are somehow related....

Manual de conservar caminos.

ACTUALIZACIÓN: Por cierto, el link anterior lo lei gracias a Phoenicoperus.

Good Evening again.

Decisions are taken as I write this lines. Not just my decisions. The decisions of every person in this world. Decisions like going to bed or pickin' up something to eat. Decisicions like pursuing a career. Decisions like marrying someone. Decisions like killing someone. Decisions of saving someone's life.

Why am I writing about this. Well. I have made such decisions in the last months. But I am not concerned about mine decisions this night....well, I am, in fact, but I am going to write about something else.

And talk about something that I do not like, and something that has happened last years. When the people whom I love leaves.

I tried to read and understand bhuddism. One point was the most important. Do not bond or attach to anything in this world. Anything. Do not have desires. Desires are the origin of pain and suffering.

Somehow, I thought that losing that bonds will obviously make you lose suffering. You suffer for the things you love or care about. For the people you love or care about. Even if that thing is not with you. But that is bond. And attachment. If you don't care for the things and persons of the world, you won't suffer. It leads you to a peaceful state...but it has its price. You resign happiness.

I do not know if I am right. I do not know If I am misunderstanding the teachings of the Bhudda. Or even misunderstanding human feelings. But is how I feel now.

Someone I met, not so much time ago is considering to leave. I should feel happy. That person is, like everyone else, pursuing or trying to find what is the best way in life. I do not know that person a long time ago...but recently, I have developed some affinity, some friendship, even some affection, and I like it, because, even though we are different in a lot of things, we can talk, we can share, even a little time so on.

And I feel sad...I know that might be selfish, because I want to know that person better...maybe share more time, thoughts, feelings, a friendship....but is painful, that I am also searching my own path, and I shall leave to find it too.

I'm sad, because when I started to dispel my loneliness, to find people in the world, to share my life, to share feelings, to share smiles, to share affection, to share tears and pains, to help....and then times go by, life goes on.....

It is sad to make a friend, just to watch that friend leave...

But....do whatever you have to do, to find your way...to be yourself, to pursuit your mission, to be happy, to be in peace.....

Good Evening.

As you may have noticed, I put out some entries. By the way thanks. I looked for help and I guess I am doing better. I was going to write some other stuff, but now, it is forgotten. All I know is about that I feel like weeks ago. Nervous, like a lion in a cage. Thinking (maybe too much, maybe just enough). Asking myself. In sometimes losing against the feelings that assault me. But right now, my mind is busy, not with the desicions that I took, but with the decisions that I am taking. A lot of people told me: do what you must to do to be happy, you worry too much, go, fly, try, don't be afraid of mistakes, never is late. Some of my paradigms are still making noises in my mind...some of those advices were just that, advices, but they are also making sound.

I took a decision again. I am deeply worried about it. I have mistaken before. I do not know if it is right. I do not know if it is going to help me to become the person that I want to be, or even If I am going to live to see that.

But I shall give myself the chance. One of the chances that I didn't give me in the past.

I just hope this path lead me to light.....

Reminder for me.

Don't try to change the whole universe in one day.

Mucho que hacer.

¿Lo estoy haciendo? Naaaaaaa. Estoy honrando a la sagrada actividad de la procrastinación. Carente de motivación quizás, o tal vez solo carente de ganas, me dispongo y escribo. Escribo, porque de eso si tengo ganas, mientras escucho la música que me reconforta medianamente esta noche, en los inicios de la primavera. Ahh la primavera, nada como el calor y la rinitis alérgica estacional. Recibiendo mensajes desde todas partes, los cuales no se si deba leer, o si acaso serán solo figuraciones de un subconsciente con demasiado tiempo libre, muy a mi pesar.

Así es. Muchos mensajes, y a su vez, nuevas y variadas situaciones angustiantes, que no todas son en torno a mí, sin embargo, las hago mías. Casi media semana laboral. Casi media semana de haber vuelto. Casi media semana de que otra vez te tengan por excelente o por incompetente, sin siquiera saberlo uno mismo.

Caramba, estoy escribiendo en la dulce lengua de Castilla, que ya no es de Castilla, de España, que ya tampoco es de España, sino que es de muchos países, entre ellos México, y que ya tampoco es de México, sino que es de cada quién, puesto que no a muchos entiendo, y si entiendo, es poco el entendimiento, o a veces, entiendo y entendemos de más.

Y es constante la búsqueda, puesto que si no fuera así, tal vez estaría muy contento, mediocrando la mediocridad. Pero no, estoy buscando, quizás de más, o quizás no lo suficiente. Y es así que me atrevo a escribir. A perpretar este texto, esta "entrada" como le llaman en ese Castellano que...blablabla.

Por eso me gusta poner mis fotos. A veces expresan más. Pero también se cada quién puede reflejar su ser en lo que fotografío. ¿Y acaso no en lo que escribo? Tal vez si. Esta conciencia global cada día nos alcanza más y más. Para bien, o para mal. No he tomado fotos....quiero tomar fotos. No tengo tiempo de tomar fotos. Ansío tomar fotos.

¿Buen fotografo? No hoy, no mejor que muchos, ni peor que otros tantos. Buena persona. No lo sé. Tal vez sea bueno, tal vez sea malo. Platón no me pudo dar la respuesta. Solo me hizo encontrarme con más preguntas. Kierkegaard hizo que buscar lo que soy se convirtiese en una máxima (y lo hizo con una sola frase). Sartre me dijo que dejara de quejarme, que siempre he sido y soy libre. Me duele la garganta y no he hablado. Me duelen los ojos y no he visto.

¿Qué es todo esto? ¿Sirve para algo, además de perder el tiempo que tendría que estar utilizando en labores más "productivas"? ¿Acaso sirve para arrancarles a mis lectores comentarios respecto a mi salud mental?

¿o es qué ni siquiera es necesario buscarle sentido u objeto, sino solo dejarlo ser?

At night.

Just thinking and thinking....what am I doing....what am I going to do?
What is going to happen to me?......

The wind blows.

I would like the wind could take away all the things that I have been feeling lately. Yes. Lately. Just a few years ago. I know an old lady. She always seems to be happy. To live so intensely, even though she is an old person. And she says that she does not regret anything. That if she could live again, she would do exactly the same things...

What can I say?...I think I just regret and regret. And every decision that I try to do makes me doubt inevitably.

Ok, I just needed to throw away this things......In this kind of box

Until next time.

Slippin'

Slipping in my faith until I fall.............................

Two years ago.

Two years ago I was at the same point that I am now. It is not that I haven't moved on these years. It's just that I am again, at the same crossroad, with the same doubts, or even more doubts. Because I thought that this time would be different. And it was different. It's just that I thought, foolishly, that it would be easier. And it is just the same. Different, but the same. And now, I am at the same point that I was two years ago. What am I going to do....

Come on

"Come on try a little....nothing is forever....there's got to be something better than in the middle......"

Push comes to shove.

It's true, it's true. All the crap that is written in "Where is my cheese" is true. Change scares. Life scares. Most of it, when it comes all together. In the middle of being attracted to someone that you shouldn't be attracted to, changes in proffessional life, awakening from a fear... and it all comes together.
Difficult to handle. Not impossible. Still difficult.
Sometimes I think that it would be better to withdraw. But something inside me says that I would regret it. So, I shall go on.

Near midnight.

And with a little struggle. What happens when you like a person, but you don't want that feeling? How do you fight against something that you cannot manage? Or again something that you do not control? That is the question of the night. A struggle that I think every human being has to deal with, in a given moment. It's just....that seems difficult to feel something like that, when you cannot fulfill the feeling. Kind of painful.

Stress?

Sometimes I think: Is it possible to live without any stress? I think of a buddist monk trying to reach inner peace, and getting stressed on that search. Jajaja, but I don't think that really happens, I just imagine it. Time is always upon us, things came and came, it doesn't matter if you're studying or working (of course, unless you are an irresponsible student or worker). At the end, Could be stress somehow a motor that makes us try to get things done? I do not know, but sometimes is annoying. Sometimes, I would like to be a carefree person. Sometimes, is easier just to do what you got to do. Problems, some small, some not so small, they are always there. Is possible to deal with them without getting on our nerves? Who knows. Maybe all of us, but we have things to do, but instead, we procrastinate sometimes.

Drag....

You’re always ahead of the game
I drag behind
You never get caught in the rain
When I’m drenched to the bone every time
You’re the first one to swim across the Seine
I lag behind
You’re always ahead of the game
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posses every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You’re the monkey I’ve got on my back
That tells me to shine
You’re always ahead of the pack
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the rest
When I’m always on time
You got As on your algebra tests
I failed and they kept me behind
I just gotta get off my chest
That I think you’re divine
You’re always ahead of the rest
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

Explanations

Is trying to find an explanation for everything a vain effort? I ask this question, because I think (and I also believe that everyone has these thouughts at least one time in their lives) about the reality in which I live. And sometimes I always try to get an explanation. Or better said, to get an answer for the question Why? That also leads me to another issues. Not everything can be explained, not everything has an immediate answer (or even an answer). So, Is it worthy to make such questions?. Philosophy says "yes". Says that maybe it is a neverending task. But is also taking life seriously. But then I think Does it make any sense? Thinking and thinking and thinking doesnt'l lead to realize of all things in life that aren't good? Doesn't it discover the worse in reality?.

Again, I do not know. It is difficult to take a position. Intellectual activity is very pleasant, and leads to an state of mind in which is possible to make a reflection that helps us to reach some supreme values.

But also, it is possible to find a way to despair.

Anyway, I don't feel so good and I want to sleep.

Until next time.

Maybe I am not doing it so bad.

Specially when you consider that I am starting to look at the positive side of not so good things. Nevertheless some fears still stalk me. Everything just seems to become more and more complex. In the meanwhile, I am trying to understand things at a speed that is significantly slower than the speeds of the changes. But, I'm still trying to go on. To move along. Health problems are not to be taken so lightly, but I don't want to make a big issue about it. It's just and advice to start taking care of me. I hope. Now, this is real, not a product of my mind. But also, my mind tends to play games with me. Specially when I think about the people I love. But, just as I said, I have good expectations about this. And about life. But it is still complicated, and sometimes I just want to scream it all loud and say: Oh F@ck, screw it, etc. But I am still here. And I still want to live, to learn, and to give my love and affection, and build bridges that grow, instead of falling. Until next time.

P.S. DAMNATION!!!! Please, one comment won't take you more than a minute or two guys.
P.S. II. Just kidding.

Green light.

And that was precisely the phrase that caught up my atention, while I was listening to a song. Today was better than yesterday. And I hope than worse than tomorrow, because that would mean that tomorrow would be better than today. Today I didn't do all that I was supposed to. But I did more than I was doing lately. Maybe it is a good sign. Maybe it's just a reflection of something that goes on in my mind. Some things go clear, some other things remain cloudy. The purpose of my life is one of the things that remains cloudy. Between the alternatives, it is difficult to chose. Because I am suddenly stalked by the phantoms of my past errors. All the things that I regret somehow, although some of then gave me new chances. It's difficult to have a new perspective, when your errors caught you, instead of you learning from them. Nevertheless, it's getting late, and I have to wake up early.

See you then.

March, Eleven, Two Thousand and Seven.

And it goes on. Worrying about an office job that is not suited for me. Worrying about the job that is supposed to be suited for me, but that I think I am not doing well. Bridges that fall apart. Everybody is leaving as time goes by. Once or twice per year. Some people goes and come back. Some other may come back, but I do not know about them, so, it is as if they never come back. Thinking, thinking thinking, thnking sometimes seems like a curse, instead of a blessing. Thinking too much leads to despair, to move in an eternal circle of doubts. And what's the point of writing these? Maybe to gain, at least, some relief to this feelings. To the feeling that the past is showing up everytime, telling that your mistakes led you to where you are now. The feeling that loneliness have prevailed. The feeling that someone is with you. Do we really need to interact with the people? Seems to be, but, sometimes I think that it only leads to deceive. Am I taking the right desitions? Am I doing right? Am I good? Or good enough? And, at last, just like yesterday....what am I?