When you feel on the edge....

Your head will collapse...

And you ask yourself...

Where is my mind?

I would rather prefer not having mind at all. Of feelings. Because living in a constant anger, guilt, sadness, envy it's pointless. It doesnt't worth it. Everyday I feel like I am getting closer of my limit. Everyday I am getting closer of the thought "that's it, I can't take it anymore".

It's killing me. I don't know why I am living. It's practically, a waste. People that could do better use of my life is struggling and suffering... People that could give a better use to my eyes, my heart, my bone marrow, my immune system, my vitallity, my knees. If I could, I would give everything away. Not my lungs. I cannot breathe well, I am always feeling short of breath (asthma ).

But that's the thing. An entire life to waste. I was afraid of a lot of things. And now, well, now it's too late. And also I live in a constant fear...And I know that it is stupid. That my problems are not that serious. I can see. I can walk. I do not have cancer, or AIDS, or anything like that. My mother lives, my sister lives. But I just don't want to be here. Forgive me if I am selfish but I cannot deal with this anymore. Every fuckin day I fear of the death of my beloved ones. Family and friends. I cannot work. I cannot laugh freely. I loved to do so many things and I liked to do a lot. And I never did. I am afraid of what is going to happen for sure. The agony of my grandfather. And there is no escape. I could be....but I was not. I just don't know, why didn't I was like everyone else. Not to think too much. Just go by. But no. I dreamed a lot of things that were not meant for me. And this anger, this hate that I've never felt. It is going to kill me....