It might not be.

But hello there. A week ago and things look different. Stress is ahead in work, but seems to be that I can handle it without falling down. So, I can write a little right now. As time goes by, I start to open my eyes to the world again. It's not so fuckin' easy but somebody told me that if every important thing would be easy, then anyone would do it. I really don't like that phrase, but it seems to be that is adequate in this occasion. It's so hard not to see the past (which is done and over) or look to the future (which doesn't exist at all), and focus on the present. But I really want to try it on.

Now, it's thursday. Almost weekend. And I am afraid of it. (See!) Why? Weekend is supposed to be the time of rest, of fun, of relaxation. For me, it is anxiety. "What am I gonna do?", "Am I going out?". A lot of time and a free and twisted mind. That sound like trouble. And even when I hang out with my friends I am involved on my thoughts, even when I try to avoid that. If somebody tolds an anecdote, it makes me thing of all the things I didn't do, because I didn't know, because I was afraid, because I though it was bad. And it's so difficult to carry with all that emotional baggage. And as usual I think, even in that situations "why I am so lonely?, Why do I feel this way? So awkward, feeling that I don't fit".

Well. Those are the fears. But I'm also trying to go on. Trying to enjoy, even if I don't make it, but I want to. Try to take pictures, to learn new things, to go on things that I like and I dropped, try to express myself in new ways. I cannot do all that stuff everytime, but there are in my mind, and starting to go out of me.

The way is still ahead, and even fallen, I start to look ahead...

And there is also, these feelings that make me shake and tremble....feelings that I would like to disappear. Mostly, HATE, RESENTMENT. Things that I would like to forget. But there are still in me. Everyday. I don't want to feel that. I don't want to see that person, to think in that person, and feel like my blood is boiling in rage and violence. Just want to be totally indifferent. Indifferent... To forget things that people that I love did to me, but didn't meant to hurt. To forget complexes. Just to drop off all of these. Unnecessary baggage that I shouldn't carry. Permission to fail, permission to fall, permission to make a lot of mistakes. But also, permission to be happy.

This is it right now. 'Til later.

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