Crazy talk

X: I am not a masoquist.
Z: I didn't say that.
X: But you implied it.
Z: ...
X: You know, maybe I am a masoquist.
Z: See, I knew it, I told you.
X: Yes...since the day we hold each other into our arms, my mind has been wavering.
Z: What?
X: yeah, you know. You hold me, I hold you.
Z: Indeed, but that's because I care about you.
X: I do care about you too. Although I can't stop thinking.
Z: Thinkin' about what?
X: About that windy day, about the sound of your breathing. I thought about it, I think about it.
Z: Why?
X: Because I felt something. Probably, that's why I'm a masoquist. Because I see you every day. I speak to you every day, knowing that sooner or later you'll be gone.
Z: I don't know what to say.
X: Neither do I. What I'm saying is not what I know. Is what I feel. And I feel like a masoquist, because every time I say to you "I don't like you" what I really mean is "I'd love you to love me".
Z: !
X: Every time I call you names I feel like a child in elementary school, trying to get attention from the loved one in a weird way.
X: And even if my memory fades with every moment, I still cling to the feeling I had that day. And it tortures me that sooner than later you'll be away. And I'll be missing you. Actually, I'm mourning the dreaded future every day. So, yes, maybe I am a masoquist...
Z: I guess I have to go now. See you later buddy.
X: Adiós.

Meanings.

Well, hollywood movies, soap operas and even some books and stories point it out pretty easy: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, the fall in love, and live happily ever after (more or less). Obviously there is a lot of intricacies around that, but that's pretty much the main idea. How difficult would it be if this easy (it's not) process at the boy meets girl: considering the amount of people in the world, age ranges, there is a very small possibility to know someone. How about if we better say: boy tries to meet girl, girl tries to meet girl, boy tries to meet boy? Then boy likes girl, but girls doesn't like boy, or viceversa; girl weeps uncontrollably because boy meets another girl, prettier, richer and nicer. Boy tries to meet boy, but he is not in to boys. He tries to get him drunk and gets a hug and almost a kiss. Boy number one (yes, this is getting confusing) then weeps, cries and curses himself for feeling the way he feels. He may be misinterpreting otherwise affection signals that are not towards him in a romantic way.

Well, how about those untold stories, those everyday lifes that strive everyday to make ends meet, to find the ultimate prize told by every magazine, movie and tv show? Love, affection, sex, money, happiness. No one knows about it. But everyone strives. Just to feel affection. Just to feel love and to try to give love. But it ain't that simple

How to regain freedom.

There is a frequent question concerning whether or not to keep writing on a blog. As far as it seems, I has very few hits or traffic. Nonetheless, at some point, it can be a good exercise. Because there is a fundamental difference between a personal blog and a log or diary. And it is about possibility and openess. It's trying to overcome barriers. A personal diary or log has fewer possibilities to reach beyond the self. A blog, although has issues concerning indirect communication and anonimity, has the chance to launch oneself to the others, to reach out  other people by means of the words and ideas written on it, to form a connection or to consolidate one. I know sometimes that isn't the case; nonetheless, is useful specially for people who has problems to express themselves, and otherwise, it would be more difficult or nearly impossible to make such attempt.

After writing this statement, then is possible to ask a question about matters spoken in the last posts. How to regain freedom. When a person experiments a feeling, there can be different outcomes concerning the awareness of such feeling. The person can deny it, pretend that it not exists. But also can acknowledge it, which in theory should ease some distress if the feeling is stressful (sadness, grief, sorrow, etc.) Also, there can be a glimpse about the cause of such feeling (separation from the beloved one, rejection, and so on). Then, the cognitive connection is made. But somehow, it is not enough for the affective part. It is difficult to remove the causes, as they are external to the self. Neither is possible to avoid them, as the world is a contingent place and it is impossible to control the outcomes of every action, every decision, for every being.

How to cope with it? Of course, in situations that imply some distress, feelings about it should be expected. Nonetheless which is the normal point? When you miss someone, what is normal? How can be measured the level of pain that you have until you can continue living without thinking constantly about it? Because that can constitute a problem: as every moment in life is plagued with goodbyes and departures of different sorts, a person has to develop some adaptative stance, otherwise, there could be a state of perpetual grief.

Anyway, here, as always, the main question is how: how to adapt to those changes? How to experience a healthy grief? Healthy in the sense that the pain can be recognized as unavoidable, but somehow, assimilated so, the person can enjoy his present.

This is a very difficult question. One that poses important issues for a healthy living. And a question for which I haven't found a satisfactory answer.

Goodbye 3.

To say goodbye, is to start a mourning. As just as every goodbye is different, every mourning too. As I said before, everyday in life is plagued with farewells and partings. People abandon their hometown to work, study, the sake of travel, to follow love (or something like that)

But I guess the hardest part is for those who stay behind, those who have to watch their beloved ones board the bus, train, plane, car or ship.

And it's pretty much senseless isn't it? Of course, there are situations that are plagued with sadness and grief: when there is an extreme need to runaway from danger, when the destiny isn't fully planned or uncertain, or when you may not see each other again.

Nevertheless, when departure is planned, and unto a brighter future, happiness should be present and lasting. At least, that's what logic would tell us. If you care for the well-being of your beloved ones, you should feel happy when they undertake a trip to make their goals, to maximize their happiness. This is not always the case.

I'm not sure if it is possible to define it as selfishness, but it is highly probable that you feel sad, even if the person you love is going for the best. But there always will be a looming feeling of abandonment, of loneliness, of the need you had for that person. Love is free and non dependent, at least in theory, although it sounds more like a battle to supress the sadness felt when the loved one departs.

Or it might be a self preservation instinct reaction. And besides, which are the limits of the mourning? How to identify over and under reactions? But more importantly...how to enjoy life, enjoy the present when you feel deprived of someone who helped you to feel happy. How to regain independence and, of course, deal with the pain, but not let it overcome and paralyze you?

Sadly, I've got no answers for that. I really hope someone does. If you know someone who does, please let me know.

Reflecting on the self.

Or probably a self-reflection?  Have you ever come to question one of the (supposed) foundations that your life has? The self, the "I"?
Have you ever doubt yourself in such a way that you come to doubt the very concept of I, or self?
Well, suddenly everything comes under the shadow of doubt. I am no longer sure if I do what I do because I want to.
The movies I see, the music I hear, the books I read. I don't know any longer If I search for those things on my own, or if I am trying to build a new I based on the external, and the other persons.
And it feels odd. Pretty much like a losing of identity, being totally determined by anything but me.
But isn't the self an artificial construction anyway?
I don't know, and the feeling is quite confusing and numbing...

Hopes and expectations.

Don't have any of those. That's the general advice. Why? Because that way you will not be dissapointed, deceived, your heart will not break, and a lengthly etcetera.
Nevertheless...can that task really be achieved? Aren't humans always trying to achieve some goals, like pleasure, stability, love, success? Isn't it?
I believe so. It's essencially difficult to ignore all the wishes, longings, and drives that everyday make the people wake up, drag themselves upon a cruel world and try, try, try.

I can't expect to not expect.
Although, as always, there's a catch.

You can expect whatever you want, desire everything. But that doesn't mean it will happen. There are always things beyond our power, things that are not going to happen, even if our heart is set upon them.

And that hurts...and will hurt.

When it becomes impossible to give an answer.

A: -Make it more personal.

B: -MORE PERSONAL! It's a freakin' blog, it is as personal as it can be. Actually, is too personal for a blog.

A:-Ok nevermind. Write about that thing.

B: -Which thing?

A: -The thing that happened the other day. When you...you know...When you spoke about...

B: -What? About me? 

A: - Yes.

B: - I pretty much always talk about me in the blog.

A: - Yes, yes...But this time you said it directly.

B: - Mmm. I spoke of what happened in a descriptive manner. But actually, I had an ace under my sleeve.

A: - Oh really?

B: - Why do you doubt me?

A: - Well, if you had such ace, you wouldn't be feeling as you are right now.

B: - What do you know about how I feel?

A: - D'ohhh.

B: - Don't think of yourself so high. 

A:- Ok, ok, you can deny it, but that won't change the facts. Even if you would deny everything you feel I can feel it too.

B: - If you say so.

A: - I'll give you a little help. It wasn't that terrible, wasn't it?

B: - No, even if I think that I would not do it again. It is still difficult.

A. - Why?

B: - Because it has always been. I can remember feeling a lot of things, trying to write them, trying to figure them out, just to find myself running amok one maze to another. But even in "safe environments" it has always been difficult to talk about it. To figure it out.

A: - It is understandable indeed. But why do you feel bad about it.

B: -Because no matter how much do I say (or confess, even if the term is not adequate), write, scream and weep. Things doesn't seem to change.

A: - I can explain that.

B: - Oh really? Can you?

A: - Certainly.

B: - Explain then.

A: -Things don't change.

B: -Is that all you great explanation?

A: -You should change...but you haven't changed either. 

B: I have changed.

A: - Of course. But there are more changes that need to be made.

B: - I'm tired.

A: - Of holding?

B: - Yes. Even now, when I confessed, I held myself. I held the confusion ensuing when I was speaking. I held those feelings.

A: - Which one? Love?

B: - I don't know. I'm not sure.

A: - Then it cannot be love. You would be sure.

B: - Says who?

A: - Me.

B: - Well maybe it is love. I won't deny the possibility.

A. So?

B: It is tainted.

A: What?

B: Tainted, cursed to never happen. Cursed to rot inside of me as it gnaws my feelings. Cursed with jealousy, with envy, with hatred.

A. That's a big bunch of words. Are you even sure of that?

B: I don't know...but it adds to the looming despair. To the fact that I am lost trying to find a place in the life, to follow dreams that I'm not sure of, to survive, to love, to live. There are too many battlefronts and just one me.

A: Just one...how ironic.

B: ...

A. You know what I mean.

A: Ok. But it doesn't even make sense just to wallow in such feelings.

B: I just would like a hug...from that person. Another hug...

A: You're doing it again.

B: What?

A: "That"

B: I don't mind, nor care. I'm afraid...I am exposed...again. and last time wasn't very nice.

A: Those are facts of life. You can't avoid them.

B: And that sucks.

A: It kinda does.

B: But I can't stand it any longer. These stupid calls for help. THis confusion. THe jealousy, the resentment. The looming despair.

A: Now you're a poet who uses fancy words?

B: No. My words and my use of them are pedestrian and puerile.

A: Ohh come on.

B: But I just know that I don't want to feel that way again. Even if that's a confirmation that I have feelings and the possibility to express them. It just seems the odds aren't in my favor. Ever.

A: Letting yourself lose.

B. No.

B: I just know that I want that affection. Just in the way that I wished it years before, months before. And how those 2 cases ended. And now I wish for it. Even if I know that all my love and affection won't be enough. Because I'm not the right one.

A: mixing a lot of things don't you.

B. I can't avoid to feel it.

A: But you wallow in it.

B: I don't.

A. Whatever...

This title won't be "goodbye".

Writing to all or writing to no one. Sometimes internet can be this way, specially regarding to blogs. That's probably one of the reasons why I write (besides the enormous degree of concealing and hiding). So, this time I just want to write about the wonderful world of personal relationships and how I'm trying to understand them.

Today I saw a T.V. show in a cultural channel. One of the interviewees said "I love just the way I learned to love". Probably that's a very simple statement, but it made me think about it. You actually have to figure out how to love people. And this is by no means limited to romantic love. Friends and family included, this is actually a very important issue, that very often is ignored.

People learn by watching their parents, their family, even the T.V. They aprehend paradigms and rules which, when applied, might not be the best ones.

Why I write this? Well, I want to shed some light on my own confusion. Confusion that ensues when I don't know how to act (or react), how to approach, how to show or deal with my feelings. And all of this in one evening. Months ago I had certain thoughts. I may be more cautious (or fearful) since then. But everytime at least for me, seems to be equally stunning. Even if I don't have any clue of what I really feel. Nevertheless, I feel something. Guess that's a good thing.

What do you feel?

Goodbye 2.

Already spoke about goodbyes. I don't like them. In my childhood, I was faced with many goodbyes that probably defined in some way or another my life. Those goodbyes probably weren't spoken at that moment. I realized years later. Then I had to face the death of my beloved ones. What's wrong or weird with that? Everybody has to face it...Well, probably you never realize the power of goodbye until you're faced with the most definitive of the farewells: death. And after that, the fear came. An increasing fear that the few people I care about would leave, either for a while, or permanently. The innocence was shattered.

So...I don't like goodbyes. That probably means that I don't like change either. And I'm probably not the only one. Most of the people don't like to think about change. They want to establish routines. Predictable and boring, nevertheless, safe and reassuring.

And this rant is about what people dislikes the most. Having to deal with the imminent changes, things that are out of our control. People leaves, people changes and that is scaring. It is scaring the thought of struggling with everyday thoughts and projects, and suddenly have to cope with an alteration on the rest of the world.

I hate to say goodbye, because it is exhausting. People try to establish bonds with other people, grow friendships, romantic relationships, family. Then, an instant is all that is needed to cause a great upheaval. You found yourself grieving for the past, for the state of things as they were, while trying to move on.

Such is the frenzy that humans are subjects to. Build his dreams upon moving sands...And all of it is pointless and senseless. Though, we still go on. Or at least try...

En busca del tiempo perdido.

¿Bastante altanero, no lo creen? Y lo peor: es altanero en dos sentidos. Usurpar el título de una obra famosa, por una parte y tener el atrevimiento de pensar en la posibilidad de gobernar el tiempo, poseerlo como quién posee una mercancía, dominarlo como a una máquina a la cual le damos instrucciones. 

Aún así, posiblemente este título sea consecuencia de una añoranza que también tiene dos caras: el deseo de hacer algo más que simplemente mirar hacia atrás mientras se es arrastrado sin remedio hacia el futuro, o mejor dicho hacia el presente, con el rostro mirando hacia el pasado, de espaldas a la oscuridad de lo que esta por venir; la otra faz, tratar de hacer algo con los fragmentos que arrastramos con nosotros, reconstruir un presente con los mosaicos del pasado. 

Suena un tanto melancólico o derrotista, pero, por mucho que se intente simplemente mirar el instante casi inexistente llamado presente, la gran marea del pasado siempre vuelve, tal como lo hace el oceano, que por momentos parece replegarse en sí mismo, para sorprendernos cuando no lo esperábamos de vuelta. Mientras tanto, delante del presente, pero fuera de una visión pura esta la indeterminación que llamamos, futuro, el porvenir.

Pero el llamado del pasado es ponderoso. Pero no siempre es consistente. Sobre todo si los recuerdos, al contrario de lo señalado por Proust, no saben hacer reconciliaciones. Parece como si el presente, el yo actual que trata de reconfigurarse, fuese arrastrado de nuevo por una pesada ancla de preguntas sin respuesta, de peleas sin sentido, de arrepentimientos, de la mezcla contradictoria de amor y odio, añoranza y deseo de olvido.

No es el pasado la firme base sobre la que se asienta el presente...más bien es la arena movediza, cieno del cual emergen, impredecibles, recuerdos que te gritan, desconciertan. No es más que una reafirmación del pasado personal, fragmentario, a veces intempestivo. No importa si no es el presente...también eres el pasado.

Envy.

A generally recognized sin in many religions. The thing is, it's hardly a sin, since for sin I consider a VOLUNTARY act that has an evil motivation and/or consequence. But envy can hardly be classified by those standards. Of course, there can be actions which are generated by envy, but there are a lot of instances where the envious person doesn't act or even say a thing. In such case, envy wouldn't be a sin, but a self-suffering, caused by a feeling of inferiority in respect to other person, and the wish for the other to become deprived of some quality or fortune, so he can be inferior too (or, at least at the same level as the one who wishes that to happen).

Let's make an easy comparison with another sin: gluttony. The glutton wallows in the pleasure caused by food, but, unless there is an organic or psychiatric disorded, it is a completely voluntary act. He can choose between giving up to the pleasure caused by food. But also has the choice to moderate himself and have a greater well-being.

The envious, on the other hand, has limited choices. As envy seems to be a passive feeling, he can try to ignore it (such act will not stop the feeling), get distracted with something else, or even try to act upon the subject of his envy (which will worsen things).

When the envious chooses the better course of action (concealing or ignoring his feelings) he does not hope for the best, but actually tries to minimize the damage, which nevertheless is made to him, regardless of what he does.

As it is put on this example, envy is pretty much an annoyance with varying degrees, and pretty much a human trait. Probably has to do something with trying to improve oneself in response to the traits present in other individuals. Sadly, it also fucks pretty much everything in human relationships

Running 'round leaving scars.

I also may have chosen "Scar tissue that I wish you saw". But as usual, that's not the point. I write this because I need to express something about the incessant struggle of all human beings. Even if not every human being is aware of it (lucky them). But for those of us who are aware, it can be a good thing to talk about it once in a while, taking care of not falling into and endless wallowing in self-compassion or self-defeat. As Quinn (yes, Quinn!) Morgendorffer once said: isn't this all pairing together a cruel joke from God, the Nature, the fate? And what does this provokes? that everyone go running 'round leaving scars.
Have you been ditched lately by your friends because there were something or someone more important that you? Have you ditched a friend because there was something or someone more important than him or her?
Probably yes. And that is disgusting, painful, cruel. But somehow, even if that fact is recognized, everyone does it, probably on a daily basis.

Everyone tries to rebuke him, but probably Sigmund Freud wasn't that mistaken. We cannot be like dogs, in the sense that is impossible for us to relate to each other in terms of pure love or hate. We somehow mix them up and start tearing ourselves apart. Well, not necessarily, as we can be hiding everything and creating a hyper-structured life and behaviour to fool ourselves and "function" in the net of conventions that we call social relationships. That, and drugs, alcohol, neurosis, and the aptly named "30's, midlife, name-it, crisis" keeps us from falling apart at an early age. Well, some of us.

By the way in this love-hate relationship, I love-hate Christina Perri Songs.

That said, goodbye.

Over-(pick your suffix, but I'm thinking of thinking)

"You should think that carefully".
"Think about it".
"Deep thinkin'".

And the problem regarding all these afirmations, or general advices, is that they can pretty much fuck up everything when thinking becomes overthinking. Blasting your brain out with the supposedly careful consideration about one decision, issue, task. And yes, general advice consists in examinate with precision, rigor, and enough time how all the facts may or may not affect the outcomes, and how will they affect them.

However, as humans (and this is only an opinion) we became in extreme confidents on how our rational behaviour can solve or problems. Indeed, as "rational" beings, that's one of our most useful tools. Thinking help us to make choices, as we cannot rely totally on instincts. Also helps us to build an entire world for us to live in, as we seem to be ill-prepared to exist in raw nature. Nevertheless, when we rely, or better said, try to rely completely in reason, we make mistakes, took bad decisions, and ask ourselves "why did this happen?".

If we try to consider every little aspect of decision making, we miss the big picture and fail to consider the other sides of our own well-being. It may not seem reasonable to make a trip, try a new dish, do something new, but in fact, that may bring us joy, snap us out of routine and boredom. And even if a decision is supposedly made up considering just facts, emotions can be actually biasing the choice. Fear to change, extreme desire to a change. clinging on to something.

We are always bound to our passions and emotions. Reason is just a part of us. Guess the only good advice that can come from these musings is: try to balance. Thinking, acting, feeling. Juggle with them.

Excess and Lack.

I don't know why waiting rooms have this annoying illumination. Whether is a hospital, an office, a school, the driver's licence department, an airport or bus terminal; all the waiting rooms must have uncomfortable chairs, eye piercing lights and, if you're lucky, bad smell and great potential of boredom.

And also, the hiding possibility of deception. Usually, the situations in which you have to be waiting in such compartments, are the ones when you can be extremely nervous, expectant, hoping for something: the health of a beloved one, a swift journey, a job or a place at school.

Yes. Being there is not pleasant at all. And yet you have to do it very often. But it becames a bit harder when you feel ill prepared, even if you have proven to be good. Nevermind, you're not what they need. You're plane already took off.

It doesn't matter if you search through your notebook, reading the highest thoughts of the greatest mind, knowing that you have commited to them, learned them, hoping to reach them in their all-glowing virtue. The facts are: you need to do something: drag yourself into the world of sycophancy, to beg for a few coins while you try to not be crushed by the weight of the thoughts you set so high upon you.

Acting like if your maxims where to be universal laws start to become meaningless. Also the abiding of love. The power of virtue. Even the striving to persevere in life. All starts to fade out and then you wonder if discovering such thoughts wasn't a big mistake, if it is really that ignorance is bliss.

But there is no turning back. The blessing or course cannot be lifted. The first moment of commitment with such ideas was a crossroad. The road has been chosen. And somehow it is neccesary to figure out, how to walk it...

Otoño

Goodbye.

Today, a dear friend of mine asked me why I was saying "Goodbye" on some instant messaging service. I was reluctant to admit my motivations to him, so, that's why I am writing them on the internet, so everyone can read them. Last week, I realized that every second, every day, even if we don't notice it, we say goodbye. To the sun at the dusk, to a fleeting moment when it passes, to our present when it becomes the past. All the people we see through the day...we say goodbye to them.  Every part of our life passes through us, so, wether we like it or not, is a farewell. Most of these are forever indeed. But the magic, and/or the tragedy, is that we don't know that. And we may never knew. Great affairs usually take all of our attention, be at their beginnings, or at their endings. At that moment, we do realize the magnitude of goodbyes. But, what about every moment and little event, the sum of that line we call life? We are always parting. Until we part definitely.

Verano

Stately, plump...

Yes, I know, I used the very beginning of one of the greatests books in literature's history. Yes, it is a probably futile scam to lure some unwary readers into this swirling vortex of... oh nevermind. Actually I wanted to write about the topic that I know the least: human relationships. Certainly, as self-ostracism seemed to be the chosen lifestile (at least in spirit) for a while, I cannot talk about the wonders of human bonding at any level. Notwithstanding, positive social interaction proved more satisfying than complete alienation, even with the worries and fears that timid people usually feels when proved against such interactions.

But people are like atoms, they collide, are driven off, and also, repel. Or maybe an atom wants to collide and join another which doesn't. When you're under the effects of strong feelings, the ability to discern wether you're right or wrong become supressed. One one hand, you may think about the rightness of your feelings and/or actions. On the other hand, the outside perspective might be completely different.

It becomes hard to think about yourself. As a matter of fact, you, yes, the person who always acts "right" may be wrong, may be making someone else uncomfortable.

Even if this events are true, there is another part of the equation. You can control your actions, but I don't think is possible to control how you feel about someone. This can help on achieving an ethical behaviour, one in which you actually act motivated by the good. But it also leads to a heavy emotional turmoil.

So, I made a great discovery: human relationships are complicated. ¬ ¬

So long...

I hate the new blogger editor....

And that's not the main topic I shall be discussing right now. Actually, the change is what bedazzles me. Nevertheless, change is permanent...isn't it right? Actually, certain metaphysic postures would deny it, but there aren't many followers of those postures. Because, even if Zeno denied it, change, even if it might be an illusion of our minds, is always present.
Present might be a fleeting non-existant time. We may just as well be stranded in some continuum of moments between the vastness of the past and the unknown future.

But now what? How to overcome such questions?

I really don't know, and neither know why am I writing this. May be just another wise word from some man that used to confront hard questions on life...

"Love hopes all things -and yet is never put to shame". S.A.K.

Dune

Sadly, desertification is a common issue nowadays, mainly because of reckless industrial developments and climate change.Nevertheless, and even if I had seen the dunes before, watching them again was an experience that I would only describe as fascinating and breathtaking. Abouth a month ago, just for a few minutes and not exactly close enough to actually feel the sand, but the dunes, the desert, there is something about it that a meadow full of flowers cannot arise. In all its bare nudity, it shows itself. Quite the expression of a radical and natural honesty.