Un saludo.

Así es, saludo a aquellos que aun creen en cuentos chinos.

Normalmente...

Normalmente no escribiría esto en este (esto en este...jajaja) blog. El otro día pense en quitar todas las entradas depresivas, pero tristemente, me di cuenta de que me quedaría sin blog ¬ ¬. Igual y nadie obliga a quienes tienen a bien pasar por aquí hacerlo, quizás se sientan identificados en algún aspecto, quizá digan "WTF con este tipo como es dramático y exagerado" o "que mamón por escribir en inglés". Así que no creo eliminar muchas entradas por lo pronto jajajajaja.

Se me ocurriá el otro día que si tuviera Twitter que clase de cosas escribiría, considerando que tengo en abandono este paño de lágrimas. Después de meditar al respecto, se me ocurrió: "mejor aún, ¿que escribiría alguien en la estación espacial internacional?". Dadas las noticias de los últimos dias creo que sería algo así:

@ElPlanetaTierra: ¡ME CAGO ENCIMA DE TODOS USTEDES!.

Bueno, suficiente divagación por el momento.

Does it have any sense to write on a title for what I am going to write?

Well I don't really know, but at least I managed to fill the slot with something other than "no title". Anyway. This week was pretty odd, like some sort of escape from the friggin' reality and the shitty thoughts that assault me everyday. Today, bugged by my family "is your treatment really working", "I've seen some details in you". I could explain them in plain terms, but it wouldn't be socially acceptable and would lend to more and more judgement. Yeah..judgment. Two weeks ago I found an old friend from school, and I was asked "what are you doing now"...and in my mind I was only thinkin' : "should I lie?" Why the lying? Because seems to be that I feel ashamed of what I am doing. Then, some "in-law" asked me: where are you working?. I have the answers to those questions, but I feel totally ashamed. I shouldn't be. But seems to be that deep inside me, I feel that I'm wrong somehow. I really don't feel like partying and the summer is almost fuckin' over...and another night..another day...another year...

I'm starting to think that I couldn't recognize happiness even if it would slap me over the face...

So long. I apologize.

I was daydreaming...

I was daydreaming today...trying to escape from my own thoughts with other thoughts. I was somewhere across the Cortes Sea...in a peaceful city that has some name that bears that peace. Swimming in a lonely beach, smelling the salty breeze, enjoying the warm of the sun, without even worrying about my looks, my state, my past, or my future...

Bloody Hell...

That's one of the words that come to me when I think what I was going to write right now. The other one is "I'm getting tired" but I think I have used that as a title already, so I won't use it in that sense. But I will use it a lot...again. So far, this sounds like a metha-story. A story about the bloody story (yeah, I like how bloody sounds, God bless britains). Anyway, what is the point on writing so anyone can see what you think, even when all you write about is just trouble and distress? Probably that's why I have too much readers. I'm just like a sunshine, full of flowers and candies.Well, If someone has read this blog, probably would know how things work. Been years and trials, medicine, prayers. And right now I have some strange conclusions....I have alienated myself...no one is alienating me, and, if that was the case, it could be just my fault. I still feel that people questions and judge me, everytime someone asks me about my life, I need that I have to give stupids reasons, even lies, about my laboral-academic situation. "Oh yes, and what are you doing since school?....How do you procure yourself a living?"... It is true...I shouldn't have to give explanations of my life to anyone...but in the practice, I just feel ashamed...yeah, ashamed. The worst part is that, if I'm ashamed of what I do, it implies that I'm also ashamed of what I am. I'm ashamed of what I feel, ashamed of having a permanent fear to lose what and who I love. Ashamed of being the cause for the grief of those who care for me...

I'm ashamed and tired of my envy, my jealousy, my stupidity, my sadness, my neverending grief, my selfishness, the lack of love to myself. In just a few words: I'm tired of myself...Now, I think that is pretty much obvious why I am alone and misunderstood.

Through the aging, the fearing, the strife...

And just like that song, I became sensitive to faith. Because faith in me is not like a cornerstone, or a strong foundation. I use it and consider it like that, but it is variable, like the tides, like the winds. Also, sometimes I would like to look the other way. To lead my sight to better things, not an uncertain and dark future, or an everlasting and determining past. And a brief present. Somethings are almost over, and haven't even started. Some other things don't seem to start.

Good Night

Holidays are injurious and bullcrap.

But besides that, I don't have much to say or to write. While I was walking in the rainy night, a lot of thoughts came to my mind. While I was standing at the public square, watching the people and the city I just could thought how twisted the world was. Or maybe I am the twisted one? Because I keep trying (or at least, I think that) to carry on a normal life, or at least a bearable life. But it keeps happening. I cannot "function properly". Maybe it's the fucking postmodernity. That's the feeling that I have, a feeling of alienation, a malfunction in myself that doesn't let me work my way through the world. Why do I think there is something wrong? Well, it might not be enough evidence, but the events that I see in other persons lead me to think that I, or something is wrong. I see people perfectly adapting to every "human" situation without an effort, and enjoying it. If I wouldn't want it, well, that could be reasonable. Tough, it is not the situation. I feel in a constant struggle to achieve some functionality in this human world, at the same time that I feel overwhelmed or dissapointed of it. And that is why I sense a problem. If I wasn't interested at all, then it wouldn't be a problem. On the other hand, If I had the sense of "I'm fine as a person and a member of this world" there would be no problem. But there is a problem, and it has that character because there is no apparent solution. Worked towards a solution: yes, definitely yes. I think I tried. But doesn't seem to work. Besides, I'm tired of people that don't understand and believes it is only a "matter of thinking" or "naa why do you think that, life is beautiful, just look at the sun, the flowers". Really, that people don't help at all, and just make it worse. It only shows how ignorant and devoid of empathy is the people. I cannot speak freely of what I feel and I don't know why. But in the brink of total lack of reason, I write it down on a web log that anyone can see, maybe with a wicked hope of finding some kind of help, relief or even pity. Mmmm pity me because I seem to be so full of foolishness. Sorrounded and strangulated by fears, specially the fear of that my chances to achieve some degree of happiness are over. Because I'm getting older and I cannot do what I was supposed to when I was young. And because was already old when I supposed to be young. And as usual, I'm ranting, insomniac an irrational. So I will try to sleep. 

Continuing with the absurd.

And yes. Because somehow I felt victim of the absurd. Last week, among the stress and the hurry, things seemed to have a meaning. Everything seemed to have a meaning. Now, I find trying every other thing pointless. And I feel odd. Suddenly I don't know what to do. What to think. What to expect. I wish that my sleep would save my mind, relieve me from my strangeness... make me a real boy... well, no, but maybe a normal person, if there is such. To stop the suffering of dealing with another humans...anyway, I will try to sleep. 

13 de junio...

From El Continuum

Nonsense

Foolishness, nonesense, delusion, lies. bla bla bla bla absurd

Thorns

Yes, I have some thorns on me. Not physically. A lot of work to do and still writing crap. As usual a lot of things come to my mind...And this is about, problems. All of us have problems. Probably all of us think our problems are the worst problems in the world. Nothing can compares. Wrong... You must acknowledge that everyone has problems and that you are not that person, are not in the same fuckin situation and thus, cannot compare your problems in a superlative way against your friend problems, with words like "mines are worse", or "that's nothing compared with my situation", and such. Of course there are some exceptions, as this is not a rule. Choosing between a pink or red dress is not comparable at all with struggling for survive. And following this topic...I'm mad 'cause I cannot tell my problems. It's annoying to listen to everyone, being asked to listen, to help, confort and take care of others....bla maybe i'm just ranting again..

In the middle of the night...

I should be doing anything but blogging. But I cannot help it since it's one of the few ways that I have to release some pressure. And I have lots. Also a way to release frustration (have lots), anger (have lots). Ok, no more ranting. Well. I will rant a little bit more while trying to stop my anxiety for the finals. Anyway...it wouldn't be end term without that anxiety. Or would it? If I had twitter or some crap like that my state would be: hate + stress. Hate, well I don't know why...I really shouldn't be having those feelings. But I can't help it. They just come, stress, anger, anxiety, loneliness. Everything with a dressing of guilt. As usual...regrets caught me and I fall under them. Sometimes would be nice if some light would shine me, if God would try to help me a bit, if living weren't so fuckin' painful every fuckin day...Ok no more ranting.

So fuckin angry....

I know this crap is not twitter but right now I am so fuckin angry...or sad....or both...Really don't know or care......but I can't stand it....can't even wirte...nev,easem

Two post before.

I am in the middle of insomnia...scavenging through that aberration called Myspace. Suddenly I remembered things that I heard from my teachers...and things that I think I could share, because I consider those words to be like tiny pearls of wisdom...Something worthy for everyone of you, that come here sometimes. I really should be sleeping or working on my finals (OMG OMG OMG) but here I am. Here is my strange gift to you.

Chat with another professor.

In this times, we don't know exactly what a human is, and this is new. None other era had the problem. Greeks had an exact concept of human. So do people in the middle age. It is possible that the suffering we have in this time of indetermination came from the excessive attention we pay to ourselves, and the little we bring to other persons. If we could focus more on worrying about the needs of the other, we wouldn't be suffering this much...but it's just my reflexion guys....

That was my teacher said.

Chat with the professor.

A professor said some days ago: We shouldn't look at people that comitt suicide like they are crazy or disturbed...we should look at them with some understanding, even with respect, because the reality made that situation possible. The world make it possible, it isn't just a problem of mental health, or perturbed persons...We shouldn't be so eager on making judgements about them...

About the last post...

I was tempted to publish it again...yeah. Don't know why. Don't know if it has any sense to write down that pathetic plight just to feel a little relief. But anyway, I'm writing about it, so it is almost like if I was writing it again. I was saying days ago that every people has the potential of being completely unrational. Part of a theory of mine. The idea came after I read the post of a friend (I would link it, but the blog is private) and after chattin through msn. But how does it relate with this post? Well, after a deep thinking (ok, just a little thinking) I came to the conclusion that every feeling is completely unrational (I discovered the sun!!). I don't know what is the purpose of the feelings. If it something related with evolution, I think nature screwed it up. What is their purpose? I don't know. I don't know why do I need what I wrote in my last post. But I need it. I don't know why do I need to feel something for the people that I care. But I need it. Don't even know why do I need to be cared about, loved, cheered, huged. I don't know. And I feel completely overwhelmed for my incapacity to manage that sensations. I mean, I feel, that is sure. It just seems to be that something is wrong with me. And that is a problem I cannot solve. People that I see, friends of mine, school mates, work mates; they seem to manage their feelings in some sort of "natural" way. Effortless. I struggle everyday. I fight everyday. And every night. With situations like the one I posted before this one. And it's difficult. It is very difficult to be feeling hurt, lonely and thinking no one can understand me. Even though the evidence tells me that I am not alone, I feel that way. Alienated. Don't know how to fix it. Don't know how to fix me. And I just look again at the people I mentioned, friends, family, etc. and I wish to be like that. I look at some friends blogs, messengers, facebooks, myspaces, pictures and all of it is a painful reminder of what I'm not. And what I wish to be. Things should be wrong if I wish to be what I am not. Anyway it's late now...

Sometimes...

Sometimes... I wish someone would come along and just give me a big, long hug.

A few thoughts...

I have been wondering a lot of things lately. Instead of collecting the information I need for my end term paper, my mind fools around (and so do I) on things that are also important, not academicly, but in practical life. Some person once wrote about friendship. Why are friends needed, what kind of friendships and friends exists and such. The conclusions are not surprising. The phenomenon of friendships seems to be an essential part of human behaviours and even a need, or a requisite for achieving higher goods, such happiness. 

Ok, this seems to be pretty much descriptive, even boring, but what's the point? Well, this texts show a classification: some friends are such because it is useful for them. Another friends are such because of the pleasure they give to each other. And the last kind of friends. The friend that wants his/her friend because of him/her, not because the things that can obtain through the friendship. 

When I read this ideas, in my mind something resonates. I start to think about it, about how this phenomenon is relevant to me, how do I relate to others how does my friendships play a role in my life. And I figure out if my friendships are the last kind that I mentioned. I think that, considering my friends are scarce, all of them are of that kind. Most of the signs I see give me the answer to my doubts. I just hope the things I cannot see tell the same. Having this fear about the nature of my friendships is, somehow, a fear on my value. If I were sure of it, I won't be worried. But sometimes, even in the most secure person, the deception can come, with the mask of a friend.

I also have another fear. The fear of lookin' inside myself to my mistakes. Did I become a friend of someone for the sake of utility or the pleasure that person provided me? Could I do that? Is it possible? Sadly...yes, it is possible, but not just for me, for you, and for everyone else. I am afraid to realize that I did something like that. Using a person as a mean to an end. People shouldn't be means, just ends. Period. The analisis made so far tell me that my intentions where good. I should dig even more, more precisely to see if my actions where fouled, so I don't repeat it. And I will do it. Would be nice if everyone does it. 

To change...or not to change...

Nevertheless....you don't have a choice!!! Everything just changes and changes. You just must try to figure out what kind of change you're into, and if it will help you to improve yourself, to go in a way or a direction that you are willing to go. Of course, it would require to be in control. But there are some things which cannot be controlled. Then, decisitions must be made. Where is the compass pointing to? The compass of the life. What are you doing? Are you doing right? Aren't you affecting in a negative way the people that is around you? Are you doing good? What is good anyway? So many questions, and, as usual, not so many answers. I am kinda ranting right now, so, 'til next we meet...