Alone.

This night I am alone. Nobody home. Friends away. Sitting in the couch. I feel alone, even when I know (or at least I think) that I am not alone. But these days I've learned that knowing and feeling are two different things, that often not related. The feelings and the thoughts are together inside oneself, but are not the same, and treating them the same way often lead us to confusion. I have been told that I must be with myself to stop feeling lonely and abandoned. A lot of things I have read these days. Also the power of forgiveness. And also, a lot of songs that have helped me. To feel. Suddenly, for someone as rational as I am, feeling has become a very important part of my life. But is hard. Containing all of these feelings as long as I have led me to a difficult task. Now it's hard to manage them. Specially the strong feelings. Specially the rage and the anger. But also I am trying to express my feelings to the people I love and care. Because it has no use to keep it all. Like a force field. Nothing comes in. But nothing comes out. I know it is not easy. And it is also painful. Even now, I feel pain for things that happened one and a half month ago. And for things that happened years before. I know that I am not perfect. And also try to understand. I must have committed mistakes, even when I don't want to, and that's one of my greatest defects. The seek of perfection. Trying to do everything perfect. Humans are not perfects. So, I cannot do that, do perfect things. But here I am. Looking forward. With hope, even among the darkness and despair.