Distress...

Distress...A word that defines a situation. Then again, I feel the need to confess, to relieve myself or at least to try. Knowing that even if the words on this page are under my control, I cannot decide if it is right or wrong. I find different origins to this distress, or maybe there are distinct, and become mixed. Probably lots of people are used to tests, examinations, ways to put a qualification, "to measure" our performance, at work, at school, even at life. I am getting tired of this. Since childhood there are lot of voices yelling "you're good" "you're not good". Good enough or not good enough. Pressure from parents, society or maybe just an internalization of all that pressure, constantly yelling at you to do your best, to beat them all, to win at all costs. To win what? A good job, a good career, the perfect life? It doesn't seem fair. Because no one is perfect, and the frustration of "not being good enough", "not being perfect" seems to permeate every moment of the life, every little game, every joke, every situation at school or work seems to be a fierce competition. But sometimes, the competitors have no face, and no name. Are just shadows inside you. The figures that you try to impress, to satisfy. Memorize, organize, fill completely the circles with a number 2 pencil. That will tell you what you're good for. You will feel extreme pleasure if you accomplish it. But then what. It will last for a second or less. Then you'll be again, fearing, fighting endlessly, trying to reach a goal that will never be close, and this desire or obsession, long ago graved deeply in yourself will taint everything in your life. Suddenly, nothing will be enjoyable unless it's a competition that you can win...to prove you worth something...

This is one thing. But the other thing.

The unsocial sociability. Or the inability to hold an affectionate relationship with another human being. THe isolation that hurts more everyday. The impotence of knowing that the time is passing, the efforts are inneffective, the fear, incapacitating...at points like these I just wish for hope and possibility, even if right now it is not seen...