Unrequited.

The word of the week. The word of the last days. Things have been pretty well until today. Well, maybe I just need to get use to this constant ups and downs. Though, I don't think that is normal. But suddenly I am realizing that there is no such thing as "normal". Maybe just "common" or "usual", "popular". Or maybe it is just that something is happening to me, maybe I am like Budha when he started to look at the things that were lying outside the walls of his father's palace. Of course that I am far away of a thing such illumination, but sometimes I feel that way. Like that Keane song "Is it any wonder", one of the verses says: " I always thought that I knew, I'd always have the right to, be living in the kingdom of the good and true".

But to the topic. Unrequited. I came to this word looking at Wikipedia. I didn't know the meaning. Then I started to search and realized in the words that I read, that the meaning was in me, because I was sort of living one of the common uses of that word. Unrequited love. I don't know why do I call this feeling love. Maybe because it is overwhelming. It has been that way this last four months. But my words have been here since then. At least some of them. But, as usual, I found some interesting phrases that say pretty much how I felt:

"Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration".

"I don't think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes and dashed with punishing regularity"

" How can a person deal with unrequited love? Being in love with someone who doesn't love them back, or even care to know how much you love them? As we don't fall in love by choice, is there any way to overcome this curse?"

"Unrequited love is like cancer. It eats your insides up and makes you feel depressed, lost and suicidal. You experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, anger and pain every night and day. You just loose interest in life." 

Or just as Wikipedia says:

"Unrequited love is a love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-steem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  In extreme cases, it might even lead to suicide. 

And so on. From love to hate. From infatuation to despise. 

Now, the question. How the fuck do I get over it. I really want to. I want to see that person and do not feel. Feel nothing. But instead of that... I feel deep hate. Mixed anger and hate. Justified hate and deceive. For the lies, the hipocrisy, the treason to the friendship. Unjustified. Because of the feelings that are not reciprocate. 

I want to get rid of these. Because I don't want to hate you. I don't want to wish you the worse things. I don't want you to wish you a horrible life, full of sickness, disease, treason and a painfull and slow death.

That's not me. 

Incoherence...

Uncertainty and other stuff. Things that are broken and cannot be mend. Loneliness that prevails. Fear that goes on and on. Envy, hate, anger. Things that run through my mind tonight. Night of boring and loneliness... I should really go to sleep...

Rain falls

Inside....Because outside there is no thing such rain. After a couple of days of not so badness, it comes a sudden mix of feelings of anger, sadness, envy and uncertainty. I don't want the future, nor the past...I WANT THE PRESENT, THIS PRESENT....and I feel so angry for that that I am going to stop writing this right fuckin' now

This could be...

Oh simple thing...where have you gone...I'm getting old and I need something to rely on...

This could be the end of everything.....

At the edge...

Of this time, why I hate weekend?

It makes me more anxious

more sad

more lonely

more rejected

more lost

more gloomy

whatsoever

I've got to work tomorrow....

¿Por qué será que no me extraña?

El Noveno nivel del infierno, según Dante. El más terrible, en presencia del mismisimo demonio. 

Nivel 9 - Cocytus.

Este es el más profundo nivel del infierno, donde reside Satan, el ángel caído. Sus alas aletean eternamente, produciendo fríos vientos que congelan el grueso hielo que se encuentra en Cocytus. Los tres rostros de Satan, negro, amarillo y rojo, pueden ser vistos con una espuma sanguinolenta escurriendo de sus bocas, y con sus ojos, por siempre llorando, mientras mastican a los tres traidores, Judas, Brutus y Casssius. Es este el lugar más alejado de toda luz y calor. Los pecadores son aquí congelados profundamente en el hielo, cara hacia afuera, ojos y boca cerrados por el frio. Los traidores contra Dios, país, familia, amigos y benefactores lamentan sus pecados en este frio pozo de desesperación.

Conozco a alguién que acabará ahi... se lo merece realmente

Another crappy weekend

So it is. I haven't uploaded a series of photographs that, by suggestion of someone, are going to be called "Road through madness". I haven't uploaded them because I cannot find the fuckin' cable of the camera, and I lend my card reader. So, my pictures are isolated in the camera right now. But I don't even know for sure if those pictures are there. Or even If I want to look at them and remember those days that haven't ended yet, for I can see, I still feel odd about it. I want to be over Tokyo. 

Cause there's no memories over Tokyo...

And there's no hurting over Tokyo...

And so goes on the song (Over Tokyo, Collective Soul). So that's it. A bit of loneliness and songs for the loneliness. Or what did I expected? I don't know. People always says that expectations are no good. That you shouldn't have expectations about anything. But I don't know anyone who doesn't have them. So that's it, it's all crap. And that expectations are going to screw me up  (even more if it is possible). 

Last days I was thinking that I was starting to doing fine, that my senses were coming again to me and that I was starting to function, function. Suddenly, it is not true. 

But here I am (like somebody else use to say) with envy and anger growing,  a pain in the neck (literally) and wanting to shout and punch everything. 

So, after all these non-sense writing I understand why everybody hates me and rejects me.  Or at least I think. I must be far away.

Testing Horroroscope...

Saturday, November 10th, 2007.

Aries: 

You have been left behind 5 times in the same day, thing that confirms how pathetic you  are. That and your really bad luck in finding twice a fuckin'  stinky person on the same day are the result on a conjunction of Jupiter and Mars, or maybe, you're just miserable. Maybe that's why you are lonely writing this crap on a saturday night. Maybe nobody likes you at all, I wouldn't either 'cause you're always whining for the same crap. 

Strange week.

In which strange things happened. But the most important thing. M4st3r-X- is perfectly fine. I thank God (yes, the God who I unleash my anger sometimes seems to be doing good things actually) for that.

But what else happened? Well, I had the flu. It was very unpleasant, actually. And also, I was isolated from almost everyone I care of. Isolation...ostracism? Well, certainly not ostracism, tough it was a "voluntary" act. I put between inverted commas voluntary because although I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't stop it. Some inner force or inner voice (no I'm not hallucinating) was making me doing so. Why do I say it was not voluntary? Because I don't want to be alone. Is one of the things that I suffer the most. That cause me the greatest emotional pains and lead me to a kind of dispair, of not knowing what to do or how to fix it.

But I was doing exactly the opposite. Paradoxic.

Isolation. One of the things that I am trying to avoid. The things that I am trying to escape of. And the things that I do. But why? Why is not possible to relieve or let out this feelings of me.? Or, If it is possible, why I am not able to make it?. Why I struggle every day with an anger and a rage that comes and goes and every day is getting stronger. With a sadness that doesn't want to leave out. With an envy and a hate that drains my energy. With an eternal "Why" on my lips and on my mind.

In what I have become?...
I haven't laughed in days. I barely smile. This cannot be good (doh!) But I just don't know how to fix it... and it's just like my friend Phoenicoperus said: "Es fácil hablar de la carga, cuando tu no la estas cargando" or "It's easy to talk about the load, when you are not carrying it" I just don't want to lose the hope that I keep. The hope that I would be able to make through this situations and stop causing so much stress, worries and annoyance to the people that I love, to the point of abandon.

Anyway...is getting late.
I want this posts to become so less frequent....

Considerando el estado fisico y mental...

Debería haber pensado más publicar este video...sin embargo, esta música, estas letras....

I'm so alone...and I feel just like somebody else....

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

Anxiety

(...)"Según el psicólogo cognitivo Ricardo Ros, la ansiedad está directamente relacionada con el miedo al futuro y está basada en pensamientos relacionados con frases que empiezan con "¿y si...?" ("¿y si me mareo?", "¿y si tengo alguna enfermedad?", "¿y si pierdo el control?", etc) Para este psicólogo, el tratamiento de la ansiedad se tiene que basar en una recodificación de este tipo de pensamientos que permita a la persona vivir en el presente. La persona que tiene ansiedad, dice, siente el futuro como si fuera real, cuando la realidad es que en el presente, que es lo único que existe, no hay ningún motivo para que se genere ansiedad. Cuando la persona vuelve a recuperar su contacto con el presente, la ansiedad desaparece."(...)

(...) Sin embargo, en las sociedades avanzadas modernas, esta característica innata del hombre se ha desarrollado de forma patológica conformando, en algunos casos, cuadros sintomáticos que constituyen los Trastornos de Ansiedad, que tienen consecuencias negativas y muy desagradables para las personas que los padecen. Entre los Trastornos de Ansiedad se encuentran las fobias, el trastorno obsesivo-compulsivo, el trastorno de pánico, la agorafobia, el trastorno por estrés post-traumático, el trastorno de ansiedad generalizada, etc.(...)

Wikipedia en Español. Artículo: Ansiedad

Sigue Marx

y si nuestras condiciones de vida nos permiten elegir cualquier profesión que queramos, podemos adoptar aquélla que nos asegure el mayor bien, un bien basado en ideas de cuya verdad estemos por completo convencidos, que nos ofrezca el abanico más amplio desde el que trabajar para la humanidad, y que nos permita acercarnos verdaderamente al propósito general para el que toda profesión no es más que un medio –la perfección.

Bien es aquello que más eleva a un hombre, aquello que imprime la más alta nobleza a sus acciones y a sus empresas, aquello que lo hace invulnerable, admirado por la multitud y elevado por encima de ella.
Pero el bien sólo puede garantizarlo una profesión en la cual no seamos herramientas serviles, una profesión en la que actuemos independientemente dentro de nuestra esfera. Sólo puede garantizarlo una profesión que no exija actos reprensibles, incluso aunque sean reprensibles sólo en apariencia, una profesión que los mejores puedan ejercer con noble orgullo. Una profesión que garantice esto en su más alto nivel no siempre es la más elevada, pero sí es siempre preferible.

Pero igual que una profesión que no nos garantiza el bien nos degrada, una profesión basada en ideas que más tarde reconocemos como falsas nos hará sucumbir bajo su carga.Y en ese caso no nos queda otro recurso que el auto-desprecio, ¡y qué desesperada salvación la del autoengaño!

Aquellas profesiones no implicadas de lleno en la vida, sino relacionadas con ideas abstractas, son las más peligrosas para los jóvenes cuyos principios y convicciones no son aún firmes, fuertes e indestructibles.

Al mismo tiempo, esas profesiones pueden parecer las más exaltadas si sus raíces se hunden profundamente en nuestros corazones y si somos capaces de sacrificar nuestras vidas y empresas por las ideas que prevalecen en ellas.

Pueden proporcionar la felicidad al hombre que tenga vocación para ellas, pero también pueden destruir a quien las adopta apresuradamente, sin reflexionar, cediendo al impulso del momento.

Marx...

(...) si hemos elegido una profesión para la que no tenemos talento jamas podremos ejercela bien, y pronot nos daremos cuenta con vergüenza de nuestra incapacidad y nos diremos que somos unos inútiles, que somos incapaces de satisfacer nuestra vocación. Entonces, la consecuencia más natural es el autodesprecio, ¿y qué sentimiento es más doloros y más difícil de compensar a pesar de todo lo que el mundo exterior pueda ofrecernos? El autodesprecio es como una serpiente que mordisquea nuestro pecho, absorbiéndonos la sangre del corazón y mezclándola con el veneno de la misantropía y la desesperación. (...)

Blog Action Day.

Interesante iniciativa a la cual me he decidido sumar. Aun para comunicar a mis 4 o 5 lectores algo que probablemente ya sepan, pero igual, he ya hice mi elección. Curiosamente, estos días se entrego el premio Nobel de la Paz y el acreedor a este fue el exvicepresidente de los Estados Unidos, Al Gore. A pesar de la polémica que ha surgido en torno al calentamiento global y el cambio climático, sobre si es cierto o no, hay  un punto muy importante. La contaminación daña al planeta. Al planeta como sistema y todos sus subsistemas, clima, procesos biológicos, seres vivientes. Independientemente del hecho de que se discuta o no el cambio climático, es un hecho que los procesos de contaminación conllevan a una degradación progresiva de la que nadie se salva. O mejor dicho, de la que nadie nos salvamos. Porque invariablemente, cualquier afectación a los sistemas y subsistemas de la naturaleza, independientemente de su magnitud aparente, terminará por afectarnos a nosotros como individuos y especies. ¿O es que acaso, los que vivimos en el hemisferio norte, no es hora ya de que empiece el frío de otoño que aún hace pocos años sentíamos?.

Nosotros, como únicos seres concientes y capaces de modificar el entorno, somos entonces, bajo esa definición, los únicos seres capaces de protegerlo y de restaurar en la medida de lo posible el daño hecho. Y no es necesario que vayamos a atarnos a un árbol a la selva del amazonas. Tampoco es necesarío ir a manifestarnos al polo norte. No, el gran poder que poseemos radica en acciones tan sencillas como apagar las luces que no necesitamos, utilizar hojas de papel reciclado, o reciclar nosotros mismos.

Acciones como estas son determinantes y bien podríamos recordar el famoso proverbio chino que siempre es mencionado cuando se hace referencia a la teoría del caos: "el aleteo de las alas de una mariposa se puede sentir al otro lado del mundo". Tal vez estas pequeñas acciones sean así, aleteos de mariposa...

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A thousand kilometers, one tooth less and a few days later.

I'm still here. These days the necessary things didn't let space or time to the important. Or is the necessary the same as the important? Maybe. Maybe not. Still confused, but going on. The trip that I've made was a good break. But still, there are things that aren't fixed yet. Or situations that are not working properly. Doubts to be cleared. Work that hasn't been done. Or work that wasn't supposed to be done. But what is to be done? Am I in the right place? I don't feel it. But where to go? What to do? That's the question.

11 de Octubre

Dia 11 de Octubre...

Dos años de sueño....

Sueño del mapache.... Setecientos treinta dias y ciento cincuenta y un entradas hasta hoy...

Alone.

This night I am alone. Nobody home. Friends away. Sitting in the couch. I feel alone, even when I know (or at least I think) that I am not alone. But these days I've learned that knowing and feeling are two different things, that often not related. The feelings and the thoughts are together inside oneself, but are not the same, and treating them the same way often lead us to confusion. I have been told that I must be with myself to stop feeling lonely and abandoned. A lot of things I have read these days. Also the power of forgiveness. And also, a lot of songs that have helped me. To feel. Suddenly, for someone as rational as I am, feeling has become a very important part of my life. But is hard. Containing all of these feelings as long as I have led me to a difficult task. Now it's hard to manage them. Specially the strong feelings. Specially the rage and the anger. But also I am trying to express my feelings to the people I love and care. Because it has no use to keep it all. Like a force field. Nothing comes in. But nothing comes out. I know it is not easy. And it is also painful. Even now, I feel pain for things that happened one and a half month ago. And for things that happened years before. I know that I am not perfect. And also try to understand. I must have committed mistakes, even when I don't want to, and that's one of my greatest defects. The seek of perfection. Trying to do everything perfect. Humans are not perfects. So, I cannot do that, do perfect things. But here I am. Looking forward. With hope, even among the darkness and despair.

Thursday, almost friday...

And the feelings going on... I was trying to change the topics of this blog, but who knows, maybe it need a complete revamp. I want to do it. Sadly, I do not have the kind of abilities needed to do that, even though I want to do so.

Today the leak in my dam opened even more. I couldn't hold my rage. Well, at least, I couldn't at the degree that I used to. I don't know if I should be happy, of if I should be worried about that. I don't swallow my feelings. But it was strange. This weeks have been that way. I am no longer the tender person that I used to be...now, people began to see my fangs.

And the need to be good at everything. A feeling that doesn't let me enjoy things, just because I am afraid of not doing them well.

Don't hold on your emotions. Let them go. Well. It's kinda scary. But maybe it's true that if I keep everything it will hurt me. Just as I commented in Ahora andá y viví.

Specially when all of them come around together. Specially those which make me struggle harder: loneliness and envy.



They confuse me, make me think more than I want to. And make me feel guilty. Why do I feel envy? Why am  i lonely?

Is it like that travis song "why does it always rain on me, it's because I lied when I was seventheen?"

But now. I don't know. I always look to the past, and asj why? why did I do that? Do I deserve this?

Am I lonely because it's a punishment?

It was a punishment that the last greatest friend that I had......nevertheless.

I think I must go on.

And let me make mistakes.

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