Meanings.

Well, hollywood movies, soap operas and even some books and stories point it out pretty easy: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, the fall in love, and live happily ever after (more or less). Obviously there is a lot of intricacies around that, but that's pretty much the main idea. How difficult would it be if this easy (it's not) process at the boy meets girl: considering the amount of people in the world, age ranges, there is a very small possibility to know someone. How about if we better say: boy tries to meet girl, girl tries to meet girl, boy tries to meet boy? Then boy likes girl, but girls doesn't like boy, or viceversa; girl weeps uncontrollably because boy meets another girl, prettier, richer and nicer. Boy tries to meet boy, but he is not in to boys. He tries to get him drunk and gets a hug and almost a kiss. Boy number one (yes, this is getting confusing) then weeps, cries and curses himself for feeling the way he feels. He may be misinterpreting otherwise affection signals that are not towards him in a romantic way.

Well, how about those untold stories, those everyday lifes that strive everyday to make ends meet, to find the ultimate prize told by every magazine, movie and tv show? Love, affection, sex, money, happiness. No one knows about it. But everyone strives. Just to feel affection. Just to feel love and to try to give love. But it ain't that simple

How to regain freedom.

There is a frequent question concerning whether or not to keep writing on a blog. As far as it seems, I has very few hits or traffic. Nonetheless, at some point, it can be a good exercise. Because there is a fundamental difference between a personal blog and a log or diary. And it is about possibility and openess. It's trying to overcome barriers. A personal diary or log has fewer possibilities to reach beyond the self. A blog, although has issues concerning indirect communication and anonimity, has the chance to launch oneself to the others, to reach out  other people by means of the words and ideas written on it, to form a connection or to consolidate one. I know sometimes that isn't the case; nonetheless, is useful specially for people who has problems to express themselves, and otherwise, it would be more difficult or nearly impossible to make such attempt.

After writing this statement, then is possible to ask a question about matters spoken in the last posts. How to regain freedom. When a person experiments a feeling, there can be different outcomes concerning the awareness of such feeling. The person can deny it, pretend that it not exists. But also can acknowledge it, which in theory should ease some distress if the feeling is stressful (sadness, grief, sorrow, etc.) Also, there can be a glimpse about the cause of such feeling (separation from the beloved one, rejection, and so on). Then, the cognitive connection is made. But somehow, it is not enough for the affective part. It is difficult to remove the causes, as they are external to the self. Neither is possible to avoid them, as the world is a contingent place and it is impossible to control the outcomes of every action, every decision, for every being.

How to cope with it? Of course, in situations that imply some distress, feelings about it should be expected. Nonetheless which is the normal point? When you miss someone, what is normal? How can be measured the level of pain that you have until you can continue living without thinking constantly about it? Because that can constitute a problem: as every moment in life is plagued with goodbyes and departures of different sorts, a person has to develop some adaptative stance, otherwise, there could be a state of perpetual grief.

Anyway, here, as always, the main question is how: how to adapt to those changes? How to experience a healthy grief? Healthy in the sense that the pain can be recognized as unavoidable, but somehow, assimilated so, the person can enjoy his present.

This is a very difficult question. One that poses important issues for a healthy living. And a question for which I haven't found a satisfactory answer.

Goodbye 3.

To say goodbye, is to start a mourning. As just as every goodbye is different, every mourning too. As I said before, everyday in life is plagued with farewells and partings. People abandon their hometown to work, study, the sake of travel, to follow love (or something like that)

But I guess the hardest part is for those who stay behind, those who have to watch their beloved ones board the bus, train, plane, car or ship.

And it's pretty much senseless isn't it? Of course, there are situations that are plagued with sadness and grief: when there is an extreme need to runaway from danger, when the destiny isn't fully planned or uncertain, or when you may not see each other again.

Nevertheless, when departure is planned, and unto a brighter future, happiness should be present and lasting. At least, that's what logic would tell us. If you care for the well-being of your beloved ones, you should feel happy when they undertake a trip to make their goals, to maximize their happiness. This is not always the case.

I'm not sure if it is possible to define it as selfishness, but it is highly probable that you feel sad, even if the person you love is going for the best. But there always will be a looming feeling of abandonment, of loneliness, of the need you had for that person. Love is free and non dependent, at least in theory, although it sounds more like a battle to supress the sadness felt when the loved one departs.

Or it might be a self preservation instinct reaction. And besides, which are the limits of the mourning? How to identify over and under reactions? But more importantly...how to enjoy life, enjoy the present when you feel deprived of someone who helped you to feel happy. How to regain independence and, of course, deal with the pain, but not let it overcome and paralyze you?

Sadly, I've got no answers for that. I really hope someone does. If you know someone who does, please let me know.

Reflecting on the self.

Or probably a self-reflection?  Have you ever come to question one of the (supposed) foundations that your life has? The self, the "I"?
Have you ever doubt yourself in such a way that you come to doubt the very concept of I, or self?
Well, suddenly everything comes under the shadow of doubt. I am no longer sure if I do what I do because I want to.
The movies I see, the music I hear, the books I read. I don't know any longer If I search for those things on my own, or if I am trying to build a new I based on the external, and the other persons.
And it feels odd. Pretty much like a losing of identity, being totally determined by anything but me.
But isn't the self an artificial construction anyway?
I don't know, and the feeling is quite confusing and numbing...

Hopes and expectations.

Don't have any of those. That's the general advice. Why? Because that way you will not be dissapointed, deceived, your heart will not break, and a lengthly etcetera.
Nevertheless...can that task really be achieved? Aren't humans always trying to achieve some goals, like pleasure, stability, love, success? Isn't it?
I believe so. It's essencially difficult to ignore all the wishes, longings, and drives that everyday make the people wake up, drag themselves upon a cruel world and try, try, try.

I can't expect to not expect.
Although, as always, there's a catch.

You can expect whatever you want, desire everything. But that doesn't mean it will happen. There are always things beyond our power, things that are not going to happen, even if our heart is set upon them.

And that hurts...and will hurt.

This title won't be "goodbye".

Writing to all or writing to no one. Sometimes internet can be this way, specially regarding to blogs. That's probably one of the reasons why I write (besides the enormous degree of concealing and hiding). So, this time I just want to write about the wonderful world of personal relationships and how I'm trying to understand them.

Today I saw a T.V. show in a cultural channel. One of the interviewees said "I love just the way I learned to love". Probably that's a very simple statement, but it made me think about it. You actually have to figure out how to love people. And this is by no means limited to romantic love. Friends and family included, this is actually a very important issue, that very often is ignored.

People learn by watching their parents, their family, even the T.V. They aprehend paradigms and rules which, when applied, might not be the best ones.

Why I write this? Well, I want to shed some light on my own confusion. Confusion that ensues when I don't know how to act (or react), how to approach, how to show or deal with my feelings. And all of this in one evening. Months ago I had certain thoughts. I may be more cautious (or fearful) since then. But everytime at least for me, seems to be equally stunning. Even if I don't have any clue of what I really feel. Nevertheless, I feel something. Guess that's a good thing.

What do you feel?

Goodbye 2.

Already spoke about goodbyes. I don't like them. In my childhood, I was faced with many goodbyes that probably defined in some way or another my life. Those goodbyes probably weren't spoken at that moment. I realized years later. Then I had to face the death of my beloved ones. What's wrong or weird with that? Everybody has to face it...Well, probably you never realize the power of goodbye until you're faced with the most definitive of the farewells: death. And after that, the fear came. An increasing fear that the few people I care about would leave, either for a while, or permanently. The innocence was shattered.

So...I don't like goodbyes. That probably means that I don't like change either. And I'm probably not the only one. Most of the people don't like to think about change. They want to establish routines. Predictable and boring, nevertheless, safe and reassuring.

And this rant is about what people dislikes the most. Having to deal with the imminent changes, things that are out of our control. People leaves, people changes and that is scaring. It is scaring the thought of struggling with everyday thoughts and projects, and suddenly have to cope with an alteration on the rest of the world.

I hate to say goodbye, because it is exhausting. People try to establish bonds with other people, grow friendships, romantic relationships, family. Then, an instant is all that is needed to cause a great upheaval. You found yourself grieving for the past, for the state of things as they were, while trying to move on.

Such is the frenzy that humans are subjects to. Build his dreams upon moving sands...And all of it is pointless and senseless. Though, we still go on. Or at least try...

En busca del tiempo perdido.

¿Bastante altanero, no lo creen? Y lo peor: es altanero en dos sentidos. Usurpar el título de una obra famosa, por una parte y tener el atrevimiento de pensar en la posibilidad de gobernar el tiempo, poseerlo como quién posee una mercancía, dominarlo como a una máquina a la cual le damos instrucciones. 

Aún así, posiblemente este título sea consecuencia de una añoranza que también tiene dos caras: el deseo de hacer algo más que simplemente mirar hacia atrás mientras se es arrastrado sin remedio hacia el futuro, o mejor dicho hacia el presente, con el rostro mirando hacia el pasado, de espaldas a la oscuridad de lo que esta por venir; la otra faz, tratar de hacer algo con los fragmentos que arrastramos con nosotros, reconstruir un presente con los mosaicos del pasado. 

Suena un tanto melancólico o derrotista, pero, por mucho que se intente simplemente mirar el instante casi inexistente llamado presente, la gran marea del pasado siempre vuelve, tal como lo hace el oceano, que por momentos parece replegarse en sí mismo, para sorprendernos cuando no lo esperábamos de vuelta. Mientras tanto, delante del presente, pero fuera de una visión pura esta la indeterminación que llamamos, futuro, el porvenir.

Pero el llamado del pasado es ponderoso. Pero no siempre es consistente. Sobre todo si los recuerdos, al contrario de lo señalado por Proust, no saben hacer reconciliaciones. Parece como si el presente, el yo actual que trata de reconfigurarse, fuese arrastrado de nuevo por una pesada ancla de preguntas sin respuesta, de peleas sin sentido, de arrepentimientos, de la mezcla contradictoria de amor y odio, añoranza y deseo de olvido.

No es el pasado la firme base sobre la que se asienta el presente...más bien es la arena movediza, cieno del cual emergen, impredecibles, recuerdos que te gritan, desconciertan. No es más que una reafirmación del pasado personal, fragmentario, a veces intempestivo. No importa si no es el presente...también eres el pasado.

Envy.

A generally recognized sin in many religions. The thing is, it's hardly a sin, since for sin I consider a VOLUNTARY act that has an evil motivation and/or consequence. But envy can hardly be classified by those standards. Of course, there can be actions which are generated by envy, but there are a lot of instances where the envious person doesn't act or even say a thing. In such case, envy wouldn't be a sin, but a self-suffering, caused by a feeling of inferiority in respect to other person, and the wish for the other to become deprived of some quality or fortune, so he can be inferior too (or, at least at the same level as the one who wishes that to happen).

Let's make an easy comparison with another sin: gluttony. The glutton wallows in the pleasure caused by food, but, unless there is an organic or psychiatric disorded, it is a completely voluntary act. He can choose between giving up to the pleasure caused by food. But also has the choice to moderate himself and have a greater well-being.

The envious, on the other hand, has limited choices. As envy seems to be a passive feeling, he can try to ignore it (such act will not stop the feeling), get distracted with something else, or even try to act upon the subject of his envy (which will worsen things).

When the envious chooses the better course of action (concealing or ignoring his feelings) he does not hope for the best, but actually tries to minimize the damage, which nevertheless is made to him, regardless of what he does.

As it is put on this example, envy is pretty much an annoyance with varying degrees, and pretty much a human trait. Probably has to do something with trying to improve oneself in response to the traits present in other individuals. Sadly, it also fucks pretty much everything in human relationships

Running 'round leaving scars.

I also may have chosen "Scar tissue that I wish you saw". But as usual, that's not the point. I write this because I need to express something about the incessant struggle of all human beings. Even if not every human being is aware of it (lucky them). But for those of us who are aware, it can be a good thing to talk about it once in a while, taking care of not falling into and endless wallowing in self-compassion or self-defeat. As Quinn (yes, Quinn!) Morgendorffer once said: isn't this all pairing together a cruel joke from God, the Nature, the fate? And what does this provokes? that everyone go running 'round leaving scars.
Have you been ditched lately by your friends because there were something or someone more important that you? Have you ditched a friend because there was something or someone more important than him or her?
Probably yes. And that is disgusting, painful, cruel. But somehow, even if that fact is recognized, everyone does it, probably on a daily basis.

Everyone tries to rebuke him, but probably Sigmund Freud wasn't that mistaken. We cannot be like dogs, in the sense that is impossible for us to relate to each other in terms of pure love or hate. We somehow mix them up and start tearing ourselves apart. Well, not necessarily, as we can be hiding everything and creating a hyper-structured life and behaviour to fool ourselves and "function" in the net of conventions that we call social relationships. That, and drugs, alcohol, neurosis, and the aptly named "30's, midlife, name-it, crisis" keeps us from falling apart at an early age. Well, some of us.

By the way in this love-hate relationship, I love-hate Christina Perri Songs.

That said, goodbye.

Excess and Lack.

I don't know why waiting rooms have this annoying illumination. Whether is a hospital, an office, a school, the driver's licence department, an airport or bus terminal; all the waiting rooms must have uncomfortable chairs, eye piercing lights and, if you're lucky, bad smell and great potential of boredom.

And also, the hiding possibility of deception. Usually, the situations in which you have to be waiting in such compartments, are the ones when you can be extremely nervous, expectant, hoping for something: the health of a beloved one, a swift journey, a job or a place at school.

Yes. Being there is not pleasant at all. And yet you have to do it very often. But it becames a bit harder when you feel ill prepared, even if you have proven to be good. Nevermind, you're not what they need. You're plane already took off.

It doesn't matter if you search through your notebook, reading the highest thoughts of the greatest mind, knowing that you have commited to them, learned them, hoping to reach them in their all-glowing virtue. The facts are: you need to do something: drag yourself into the world of sycophancy, to beg for a few coins while you try to not be crushed by the weight of the thoughts you set so high upon you.

Acting like if your maxims where to be universal laws start to become meaningless. Also the abiding of love. The power of virtue. Even the striving to persevere in life. All starts to fade out and then you wonder if discovering such thoughts wasn't a big mistake, if it is really that ignorance is bliss.

But there is no turning back. The blessing or course cannot be lifted. The first moment of commitment with such ideas was a crossroad. The road has been chosen. And somehow it is neccesary to figure out, how to walk it...

Goodbye.

Today, a dear friend of mine asked me why I was saying "Goodbye" on some instant messaging service. I was reluctant to admit my motivations to him, so, that's why I am writing them on the internet, so everyone can read them. Last week, I realized that every second, every day, even if we don't notice it, we say goodbye. To the sun at the dusk, to a fleeting moment when it passes, to our present when it becomes the past. All the people we see through the day...we say goodbye to them.  Every part of our life passes through us, so, wether we like it or not, is a farewell. Most of these are forever indeed. But the magic, and/or the tragedy, is that we don't know that. And we may never knew. Great affairs usually take all of our attention, be at their beginnings, or at their endings. At that moment, we do realize the magnitude of goodbyes. But, what about every moment and little event, the sum of that line we call life? We are always parting. Until we part definitely.

Stately, plump...

Yes, I know, I used the very beginning of one of the greatests books in literature's history. Yes, it is a probably futile scam to lure some unwary readers into this swirling vortex of... oh nevermind. Actually I wanted to write about the topic that I know the least: human relationships. Certainly, as self-ostracism seemed to be the chosen lifestile (at least in spirit) for a while, I cannot talk about the wonders of human bonding at any level. Notwithstanding, positive social interaction proved more satisfying than complete alienation, even with the worries and fears that timid people usually feels when proved against such interactions.

But people are like atoms, they collide, are driven off, and also, repel. Or maybe an atom wants to collide and join another which doesn't. When you're under the effects of strong feelings, the ability to discern wether you're right or wrong become supressed. One one hand, you may think about the rightness of your feelings and/or actions. On the other hand, the outside perspective might be completely different.

It becomes hard to think about yourself. As a matter of fact, you, yes, the person who always acts "right" may be wrong, may be making someone else uncomfortable.

Even if this events are true, there is another part of the equation. You can control your actions, but I don't think is possible to control how you feel about someone. This can help on achieving an ethical behaviour, one in which you actually act motivated by the good. But it also leads to a heavy emotional turmoil.

So, I made a great discovery: human relationships are complicated. ¬ ¬

So long...

Dune

Sadly, desertification is a common issue nowadays, mainly because of reckless industrial developments and climate change.Nevertheless, and even if I had seen the dunes before, watching them again was an experience that I would only describe as fascinating and breathtaking. Abouth a month ago, just for a few minutes and not exactly close enough to actually feel the sand, but the dunes, the desert, there is something about it that a meadow full of flowers cannot arise. In all its bare nudity, it shows itself. Quite the expression of a radical and natural honesty.

κάθαρσις

The sun keeps going on its way on the sky, from dawn to sunset. Stars come out. And somehow, inside the persons, strange forces act. Some upon them, some caused by themselves. Others, because an external cause. What happens when the pressure from inside and outsides overwhelms the will -will to live, will to fight, will to resist-. It happens that the barrier is shattered, and every piece drop like a rain of tears, fragments. κάθαρσις that's the word when such a breakdown happens. Purging. It indeed looks like a purge. Things that used to be stagnating and creating a lot of pressure are suddenly released. μετάνοια and should come together, so all the shattered pieces can be rebuilt...or better said, regrown.

Mend, amend.

Last post was about questions (aren't they all?). Well, the question was about if it was right or wrong to have some feelings about a particular situation. No. I guess it was about the lack of a correlative or counterpart: having some efects with no apparent or plausible cause. Cause, cause, causation. What is the cause of "X"? In that particular post, the goal was to express or figure out the cause of the feelings of loneliness, sorrow, dispair, hopelessness. And, despite of my efforts, I couldn't delve enough in Kierkegaard and his imaginary friends to find out what was going on. And that is how these days have been, tinged with darker shades of gray, and ocasionally a shy green or yellow. So, the world, the people, the weather. It doesn't matter how they are. Even if people always look for objectivity, the most important factor for everyday life is how things appear to people. Somebody with allucinations doesn't worry about the world that is, but of the world that appears. A joyful individual takes his/her problems in such a different way than a depressive one. And no, I'm not talking about the simple concept of "point of view". I am talking about the world as a whole, given to the particular individual. When we can find some common points where it is possible to join and make connection. But nevertheless, the particular way in which the world is presented makes possible, somehow, the lack of comprehension between persons, where the joyful doesn't think even possible to look at the world in the way the melancholic describes it. Clearly a lack of empathy, but not in the common use of the word ("to put oneself in the shoes of the other). As I am trying to learn, empathy is way more than that. And between its characteristics, one of them is the ability or capacity to look the world in the way another does. Well, right now, this has become some sort of digression. Still haven't found why the feelings of loneliness, anger, hopelessness, etc., do exist without an apparent cause. Just reached a path where they can be exemplified and how they are part of that "world that is given" or "world that appears". At least is an advance, isn't it? Not really sure about it, maybe the causes are so evident, and that's because they remain hidden. If you look to much, you are concentrated on the pursuit, instead of on what you're pursuing. So long, until next post.

Do I have the right?

Let's start with a question: Do I have the right to feel alone? Loneliness is a feeling when someone is missing some kind of contact with others. It has a primordial feature: that condition is not voluntary, or maybe desired. On the contrary, solitude is a desired condition. (So sad, spanish doesn't make this distinction).

But, what is the origin of the question? Well, if you have people who you like to spend your life with, share bonds, have affection to them and even in that case you feel alone...Do you have the right to?.

What does it take to have that emptiness filled? Why does it need more than you already have to soothe that feeling?

I don't know, this post promised much at the start. But right now it faded away.

'Til later.

Who knows, who cares?

Who knows, who cares. Why to ask these questions? Who cares what happened, even if it was just a tiny bit? If it happened, it belongs to the past. Who cares about the memories I hold, the shattered thoughts of those brief, but blissful instants? I shall tell. I know and I care. By now, I should have been over it. Sadly, that's not the case. Sadly, the longing doesn't go away. Neither the lack of power and will to look and accept what it is. Going for new ways to relate, meet new people. All of it sounds ridiculous and unfeasible. Specially when both things sound too hard, and to relate in a deep and caring way it's like an upway hill. Nevertheless. Life goes on. Or at least so it seems.

Lo que se pierde, lo que se extraña.

Cuando extrañas a alguien, ¿será como dice Proust, que no sólo extrañamos a ese alguien, sino a los sentimientos experimentados en relación a esa persona -tanto agradables como dolorosos-?
Últimamente me estoy volviendo afecto a dicha idea. Precisamente por las sensaciones en mí en virtud de los hechos, o, como dirían algunos, de la facticidad en la cuál mi vida parece estar entretejida.

Como escribí hace algunas entradas, el lenguaje parece expandirse hasta sus límites sin lograr por ello aprehender la cuestión. En este caso, el castellano. Por ello he recurrido a una palabra en lengua portuguesa: "saudade": un vago y constante deseo por algo que no existe y probablemente no puede existir. Esos son los hechos.

Pero existe un aspecto rescatable: la nostalgia por lo bueno. Aunque tristemente, la palabra nostalgia implica dolor. Y en ese dolor esta el extrañar, no sólo a la persona, ni a sus sentimientos, cualesquiera que fuere su alcance, por uno mismo; implica también extrañar nuestros propios sentimientos.

Que cosas...

El horror de las palabras.

The words represent an unspeakable horror (there were a lot of puns in that phrase). Lately, words don't heed my command. Every thing I try to write or speak becomes gibberish or a horrible mockery of what I sought to express. All my interior world (another phrase that I'm not fond of) remains trapped, as the infidelity of written and spoken language hacks through the very essence of it.

So, a problem of expression ensues. The possibility to communicate in a fluid, concise, and asertive way is hindered. The words simply cannot hold the being of the ideas and the feelings. Their simbolism is getting too limited, at least in my case. Words like despair, anxiety, unrequited, love, confusion, are just provisional labels. But, what could be the definite phase? As i said before, making up words is out of the boundaries of the languagues I supposedly command, and also beyond my intellectual and cultural skills. Nor I am some sort of Tolkien to create a whole language ex nihilo (as you can see, this use of a dead language was just a showy device).

Even if I say something over and over, the words appear mute. The feeling continue trapped. Reality is still there, impassable, behind a barrier that I can only scratch a bit. The words are horror because they cannot hold reality. They just aim at it, with more or less accuracy and success.

And in my present situation. Well, that's just another worry.