Come on

"Come on try a little....nothing is forever....there's got to be something better than in the middle......"

Push comes to shove.

It's true, it's true. All the crap that is written in "Where is my cheese" is true. Change scares. Life scares. Most of it, when it comes all together. In the middle of being attracted to someone that you shouldn't be attracted to, changes in proffessional life, awakening from a fear... and it all comes together.
Difficult to handle. Not impossible. Still difficult.
Sometimes I think that it would be better to withdraw. But something inside me says that I would regret it. So, I shall go on.

Near midnight.

And with a little struggle. What happens when you like a person, but you don't want that feeling? How do you fight against something that you cannot manage? Or again something that you do not control? That is the question of the night. A struggle that I think every human being has to deal with, in a given moment. It's just....that seems difficult to feel something like that, when you cannot fulfill the feeling. Kind of painful.

Stress?

Sometimes I think: Is it possible to live without any stress? I think of a buddist monk trying to reach inner peace, and getting stressed on that search. Jajaja, but I don't think that really happens, I just imagine it. Time is always upon us, things came and came, it doesn't matter if you're studying or working (of course, unless you are an irresponsible student or worker). At the end, Could be stress somehow a motor that makes us try to get things done? I do not know, but sometimes is annoying. Sometimes, I would like to be a carefree person. Sometimes, is easier just to do what you got to do. Problems, some small, some not so small, they are always there. Is possible to deal with them without getting on our nerves? Who knows. Maybe all of us, but we have things to do, but instead, we procrastinate sometimes.

Drag....

You’re always ahead of the game
I drag behind
You never get caught in the rain
When I’m drenched to the bone every time
You’re the first one to swim across the Seine
I lag behind
You’re always ahead of the game
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posses every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You’re the monkey I’ve got on my back
That tells me to shine
You’re always ahead of the pack
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the rest
When I’m always on time
You got As on your algebra tests
I failed and they kept me behind
I just gotta get off my chest
That I think you’re divine
You’re always ahead of the rest
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

Explanations

Is trying to find an explanation for everything a vain effort? I ask this question, because I think (and I also believe that everyone has these thouughts at least one time in their lives) about the reality in which I live. And sometimes I always try to get an explanation. Or better said, to get an answer for the question Why? That also leads me to another issues. Not everything can be explained, not everything has an immediate answer (or even an answer). So, Is it worthy to make such questions?. Philosophy says "yes". Says that maybe it is a neverending task. But is also taking life seriously. But then I think Does it make any sense? Thinking and thinking and thinking doesnt'l lead to realize of all things in life that aren't good? Doesn't it discover the worse in reality?.

Again, I do not know. It is difficult to take a position. Intellectual activity is very pleasant, and leads to an state of mind in which is possible to make a reflection that helps us to reach some supreme values.

But also, it is possible to find a way to despair.

Anyway, I don't feel so good and I want to sleep.

Until next time.

Maybe I am not doing it so bad.

Specially when you consider that I am starting to look at the positive side of not so good things. Nevertheless some fears still stalk me. Everything just seems to become more and more complex. In the meanwhile, I am trying to understand things at a speed that is significantly slower than the speeds of the changes. But, I'm still trying to go on. To move along. Health problems are not to be taken so lightly, but I don't want to make a big issue about it. It's just and advice to start taking care of me. I hope. Now, this is real, not a product of my mind. But also, my mind tends to play games with me. Specially when I think about the people I love. But, just as I said, I have good expectations about this. And about life. But it is still complicated, and sometimes I just want to scream it all loud and say: Oh F@ck, screw it, etc. But I am still here. And I still want to live, to learn, and to give my love and affection, and build bridges that grow, instead of falling. Until next time.

P.S. DAMNATION!!!! Please, one comment won't take you more than a minute or two guys.
P.S. II. Just kidding.

Green light.

And that was precisely the phrase that caught up my atention, while I was listening to a song. Today was better than yesterday. And I hope than worse than tomorrow, because that would mean that tomorrow would be better than today. Today I didn't do all that I was supposed to. But I did more than I was doing lately. Maybe it is a good sign. Maybe it's just a reflection of something that goes on in my mind. Some things go clear, some other things remain cloudy. The purpose of my life is one of the things that remains cloudy. Between the alternatives, it is difficult to chose. Because I am suddenly stalked by the phantoms of my past errors. All the things that I regret somehow, although some of then gave me new chances. It's difficult to have a new perspective, when your errors caught you, instead of you learning from them. Nevertheless, it's getting late, and I have to wake up early.

See you then.

March, Eleven, Two Thousand and Seven.

And it goes on. Worrying about an office job that is not suited for me. Worrying about the job that is supposed to be suited for me, but that I think I am not doing well. Bridges that fall apart. Everybody is leaving as time goes by. Once or twice per year. Some people goes and come back. Some other may come back, but I do not know about them, so, it is as if they never come back. Thinking, thinking thinking, thnking sometimes seems like a curse, instead of a blessing. Thinking too much leads to despair, to move in an eternal circle of doubts. And what's the point of writing these? Maybe to gain, at least, some relief to this feelings. To the feeling that the past is showing up everytime, telling that your mistakes led you to where you are now. The feeling that loneliness have prevailed. The feeling that someone is with you. Do we really need to interact with the people? Seems to be, but, sometimes I think that it only leads to deceive. Am I taking the right desitions? Am I doing right? Am I good? Or good enough? And, at last, just like yesterday....what am I?

Delirium

That's the definition that Altavista-Babel Fish gave to me when I wrote "desvarío" in the text box, and clicked translate. My English dictionary says: "an acutely disturbed state of mind that occurs in fever, intoxication and other disorders and is caracterized by restlessness, illusions and incoherence of thought and speech" I am not intoxicated (at least I don't think I am). I do not have fever. Maybe I can clasify my state of mind in "other disorders". By now, in this entry I have used 3 pairs of quotation marks (that was just an informative statement). Well, what is it going to be now? As usual, existential problems (as they are commonly named)? Or some kind of delirium? Beginning of schizophrenia? No, I just don't think so.

But I am going to write, indeed, about some states of mind, and feelings (maybe my three or four readers are accustomed to).

A few points to start: Is it possible to live without knowing ourselves? Everyone lives with him or herself. Everyone knows his/her body, what is comfortable, uncomfortable, pleasant, not pleasant, hilarious, sad, under their own and personal perspective. But, I do not know, if it is possible to don't actually knowing more complex issues about ourselves. What is the reason for living? To find a mission in life. Is it possible, or healthy, to live without a path or at least, a compass that shows the north that could simbolyze, the goal of our living? It is healthy to try to build bridges between ourselves and other people? Which are the boundaries between selfsteem and selfishness?

Well, those are the questions that are roaming through my mind lately. I dropped something that I didn't need. An anxiety and fear that wasn't leading me to anywhere. A year feeling that. I was just happy about dropping that burden. But I started to think, and think, and think.

What am I?. What do I want to be?

I feel, but I am not sure if what I feel is good, correct, right, or if it is not just an illusion.

Again: another thing. Times changes. People changes. I do not know, if I should just try to walk alone, and avoid criticism, regrets, and rejections. Or If I should try, as I have been doing, to build bridges, between myself and the rest of human kind, but at least, the people I care about, or the people that I'm starting to care about. And share. And that freaks me out.

It freaks me out, 'cause I felt so alienated a long time. And also. I lack of an interesting past, or an interesting life, as long as I know. I look behind, and everything seems so boring, and the good times, so far away. I look ahead, and I cannot see anything. I look at where I am, and don't know how was that I ended up here.

Just trying to figure out. Jus trying to avoid the mistakes of the past that are nailed on me, in spite of all my efforts to leave them behind.

And a present that sometimes is unbearable. Because there is no past as foundation, no future to see. A confusion of what I am and feel.

Bridges that I try to build, but that fall over emptiness. And the envy that it makes me feel.

Ok, that's all now.
Until next time.

It ain't easy.

And as usual, I am talking about living. But it could be easier, if ourselves drop all the burden that sometimes we carry innecesarily. Fears that don't have a reason, ideas that do not help us, negative thoughts, etc. Why do I say this? Well, because I have started to drop some of that heavy load. And sometimes it is difficult. It's like awakening from a long sleep. It's not easy at the beginning. But somehow, once you are awake, you might be able to start the day.

So, I'm starting to wake up.
I want to wake.

Suddenly I see

Life is not as bad as I thought.
As a matter of fact, now I think that life can be actually good.

En la encrucijada.

Pero después de todo ¿acaso no es toda la vida una pinche encrucijada?

Aqui de nuevo.

Realmente no sabía que esperar de este día que esta por terminar. Me habían dicho "no puede ser peor que hace un año", "lo peor ya paso" y otras frases celebérrimas que se escuchan bien o se sienten apropiadas en un momento dado. Viendo que a pesar de lo que siento, solo esta dentro de mí. El mundo ha sido un lugar desgarrador, pero no tanto como hace 17 meses. Y hace 12 de ellos que es más díficil. Veo tantos contrastes que no se que pensar. No se donde cabe la esperanza, si es que hay lugar para ella. Trato de ver lo bueno, y a pesar de todo surge lo demás. "Estoy distraído". El mundo siguió caminando. Todos siguieron su vida hoy día. Riendo, gritando, bailando. Yo me encuentro escribiendo. Sopesando. Se supone que este el es "pan de cada día" de todos, que la vida no esta exenta de problemas, que no todo es miel sobre hojuelas, o un lecho de rosas. En todo caso, tampoco debería ser un lecho de espinas. ¿pero quién soy yo para decir como deben ser las cosas? Solo me limito a ver la injusticia que existe y el dolor que me rodea. Hace tiempo que no enfoco mi cámara, en la que antes encontraba la belleza. Pero ya no se lo que veo. No encuentro mi lugar, ni encuentro consuelo, elevo mi mirada y mis oraciones y no encuentro ayuda. Padezco la envidia y la ira. El desconsuelo que me lleva a preguntarme cada vez ¿por qué, por qué, por qué? Y que me tratan de decir, que no me preocupe, que me ocupe, que estoy ensimismado, que le "eche ganas", que deje de hacer o haga. Leo, escucho y encuentro contradicciones, que me hacen pensar, a veces, que soy un egoísta malagradecido, otras veces, que soy un pecador y otras tantas, que no me preocupo por mi. ¿Qué siento? Que no estoy en consonancia con el resto de la realidad. Presa de una monotonía incesante que trato de salvar a través de sumergirme en el universo de los sueños, para tratar de escapar un poco de estos pensamientos que me agobian. Días y días que se repiten dentro de la angustia de que un día todo acabará de la peor manera. ¿Qué me trae este día? Irritación. Ira. Desesperación. Y lo que percibo me indica que así será. Que todo es terrible. Pero algo muy adentro de mi....de una manera muy leve y casi imperceptible, no concuerda con eso. ¿Un deseo sin sentido, o la verdad revelada a través de un medio profundo? No lo se.

Te extraño..............

Veinticuatro.

Veinticuatro. Doce. Trescientos sesenta y cinco.
Pero sin embargo, hay cosas que empiezan antes y que quisieramos que terminaran.
Y hay cosas que quisieramos que nunca terminaran.

¿Qué más decir? .....

Quizás más tarde diga algo más.

Waiting...

Waiting to wake up of this nightmare...if I am going to wake up some day....

Quedan tres horas.

Quedan tres horas por este lado del mundo para que termine el "fatídico" martes 13, en el cual, como de esperarse, no ocurrió nada fuera de lo normal, todo típico, por decirlo así. Realmente desconozco cual sea la causa o el origen de esta superstición, pero de igual modo, para aquella gente supersticiosa, no os preocupéis (o por el contrario, preocupaos más) puesto que el próximo mes también será martes 13 (por aquello de que febrero tiene 28 días y hace que marzo corresponda). Igual creo que creer en eso son una serie de tonterias, del mismo modo que la supuesta capacidad esterilizadora y abortiva de los eclipses de sol y de luna. Por otra parte, mañana es 14 de febrero. Pienso que ese día lo crearon los chocolateros, los floristas y los impresores de tarjetas para recuperarse de la depresión consumista post-navidad y que les diera el impulso suficiente para sobrevivir hasta el día de las madres. Pienso también que si quieres a alguien, no tienes que tener un día en especial, cualquier día es especial. Mentiría si dijera que a veces no me dejo llevar por la parafernalia del día. Mentiría también si dijera que cuando las personas andan en el ánimo del día, me resulta díficil, ya que tiendo a sentirme solo. Pero tampoco miento al decir que anoche y esta mañana sentí algo de esperanza...

También digo que yo aprecio a mis compañeros. A mis amigos los quiero. Y no me da miedo decir "te quiero" si en verdad lo siento.

Saludos a todos.

Pensando.

Pues si aun sigo aquí. Aparentemente aun no es la hora de que deje de existir miserablemente. Pensando en las cosas que tengo planeadas para la semana próxima, de las cuales aun no realizó nada. No sé, no me he sentido con los ánimos de hacerlo. Incluso no se que caso tenga realizar dicho esfuerzo. Pero aún así, ronda por mi mente esa intención. Y me acabo de dar cuenta que sin querer en si, empecé a escribir (y en ambos blogs, ¡que impresión!). ¿por qué no digo que es lo que haré? Por dos razones: si lo hago, se verá aquí a su tiempo. Si no lo hago, no tendrá caso. Igual y es una derivación de otro proyecto que tenía pensado para año nuevo. Pero cielos. Parece que cada vez que quiero hacer algo un espíritu maligno me dice que no tiene caso. Tonikaku.

(Nightwish: Over the hills and faraway, Nemo, The Phantom of the Opera)

Y las etiquetas.

Será más fácil buscar entradas en un blog con etiquetas que permitan agrupar una serie de tópicos pero.......¡que difícil es es elegirlas!

In some place in the world.

Or in some time, in some strange moment, life stop being so frightening for me. That's what I want to say. I want to say that I do not crumble upon every little or big problem, and that I can go on. That I do not surrender anymore to the evil which is not a red guy with horns and a tail, but something that lures into every aspect of life and world, even myself. Afraidness, selfishness, intolerance. But most, apathy. It's late and I do not know what the heck am I writing. Good Night.