Mighty forces.

Mighty forces struggle inside me. And many forces flow outside. But at the end, everything seems to be related. This year, somehow, I managed to quiet all the noise and listen to my inner voice, and also, to the voice of God, who is always speaking, even when we doesn't pay attention. Even when I don't always believe, or when I think that everything is like a conspiracy from the universe against me. But right now, I will use my favorite phrase: "I don't know". But suddenly, a burst of things came out. Better said, a burst of feelings. In one hand I feel deep fear and uncertainty, nostalgia, sorrow. Then I feel rage, too much rage and anger, wrath. Then I feel anxious. Then, I feel good, I feel and spread love, joy, hapiness. So strange. So many changes, a new life, and I am afraid. But ready.

Yes, even the last post.

Even the last post is true I guess. Even for me, for everyone, as I have been left behind many times for many people, family and friends included, and it goes on. And that's how I am losing faith in people and this world, that is only a bunch of crap. Or as just as  manic. Was fine this afternoon. I'm like shit now. Was fine last week, I was like shit on friday. But how? How does this thing work. I don't really know. Even the new horizons in my life seem meaningless when I feel this way. When the only thing that I wish is death. When I start to hurting myself again. Swallowing my screams and my tears and trying to yell Why? With no answer. And it comes all over me. Envy, sadness, anger. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. But I feel this way. And it is horrible. And I know that everyone is tired of me. I am no good enough. I am bad. I am wrong. And I just want my liefe to come to an end. To stop worrying my mother, my sister, my friends if I keep any. To stop bothering that person that I offered my love, my affection, my loyalty. All for going to waste. But that's how life is, I've just learned. And it doesn't worth it. It doesn't worth all my tears, all the suffering. Even my friends leave me behind. As i said, if i have friends. But I don't blame them. They have they lives. I don't blame them if they don't want me around, if they used to hang out with me in weekends... If I am boring and depressing. It doesn't surprise me that I am alone. Everyone has their one lifes. It's not my fault that my life is a crap. Or it is? It's because I am a bad person? It's because I'm too stupid? It's because I am selfish and mean? Really I am??

Why I am not death now?

Why?

I deserve it

I want it......

$@%che gente

Si, $@%che gente +#&era todos valen *&%ga. TODOS

Cementerio de blogs perdidos.

Así es, esta noche rindo tributo a los caídos. Aunque igual, en este caso solo es necesaria la voluntad para la resurrección de los mismos.

La Madriguera del Cine.

La Madriguera del Perezoso.

Geek Crew.

Pregúntolo.

Hidalgo del Parral

Lo interesante del asunto es que en al menos 4 de estos blogs esta la mano de PerseoX, al cual pueden visitar actualmente en su guarida.

Unrequited.

The word of the week. The word of the last days. Things have been pretty well until today. Well, maybe I just need to get use to this constant ups and downs. Though, I don't think that is normal. But suddenly I am realizing that there is no such thing as "normal". Maybe just "common" or "usual", "popular". Or maybe it is just that something is happening to me, maybe I am like Budha when he started to look at the things that were lying outside the walls of his father's palace. Of course that I am far away of a thing such illumination, but sometimes I feel that way. Like that Keane song "Is it any wonder", one of the verses says: " I always thought that I knew, I'd always have the right to, be living in the kingdom of the good and true".

But to the topic. Unrequited. I came to this word looking at Wikipedia. I didn't know the meaning. Then I started to search and realized in the words that I read, that the meaning was in me, because I was sort of living one of the common uses of that word. Unrequited love. I don't know why do I call this feeling love. Maybe because it is overwhelming. It has been that way this last four months. But my words have been here since then. At least some of them. But, as usual, I found some interesting phrases that say pretty much how I felt:

"Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration".

"I don't think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes and dashed with punishing regularity"

" How can a person deal with unrequited love? Being in love with someone who doesn't love them back, or even care to know how much you love them? As we don't fall in love by choice, is there any way to overcome this curse?"

"Unrequited love is like cancer. It eats your insides up and makes you feel depressed, lost and suicidal. You experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, anger and pain every night and day. You just loose interest in life." 

Or just as Wikipedia says:

"Unrequited love is a love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-steem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.  In extreme cases, it might even lead to suicide. 

And so on. From love to hate. From infatuation to despise. 

Now, the question. How the fuck do I get over it. I really want to. I want to see that person and do not feel. Feel nothing. But instead of that... I feel deep hate. Mixed anger and hate. Justified hate and deceive. For the lies, the hipocrisy, the treason to the friendship. Unjustified. Because of the feelings that are not reciprocate. 

I want to get rid of these. Because I don't want to hate you. I don't want to wish you the worse things. I don't want you to wish you a horrible life, full of sickness, disease, treason and a painfull and slow death.

That's not me. 

Incoherence...

Uncertainty and other stuff. Things that are broken and cannot be mend. Loneliness that prevails. Fear that goes on and on. Envy, hate, anger. Things that run through my mind tonight. Night of boring and loneliness... I should really go to sleep...

Rain falls

Inside....Because outside there is no thing such rain. After a couple of days of not so badness, it comes a sudden mix of feelings of anger, sadness, envy and uncertainty. I don't want the future, nor the past...I WANT THE PRESENT, THIS PRESENT....and I feel so angry for that that I am going to stop writing this right fuckin' now

This could be...

Oh simple thing...where have you gone...I'm getting old and I need something to rely on...

This could be the end of everything.....

At the edge...

Of this time, why I hate weekend?

It makes me more anxious

more sad

more lonely

more rejected

more lost

more gloomy

whatsoever

I've got to work tomorrow....

¿Por qué será que no me extraña?

El Noveno nivel del infierno, según Dante. El más terrible, en presencia del mismisimo demonio. 

Nivel 9 - Cocytus.

Este es el más profundo nivel del infierno, donde reside Satan, el ángel caído. Sus alas aletean eternamente, produciendo fríos vientos que congelan el grueso hielo que se encuentra en Cocytus. Los tres rostros de Satan, negro, amarillo y rojo, pueden ser vistos con una espuma sanguinolenta escurriendo de sus bocas, y con sus ojos, por siempre llorando, mientras mastican a los tres traidores, Judas, Brutus y Casssius. Es este el lugar más alejado de toda luz y calor. Los pecadores son aquí congelados profundamente en el hielo, cara hacia afuera, ojos y boca cerrados por el frio. Los traidores contra Dios, país, familia, amigos y benefactores lamentan sus pecados en este frio pozo de desesperación.

Conozco a alguién que acabará ahi... se lo merece realmente

Another crappy weekend

So it is. I haven't uploaded a series of photographs that, by suggestion of someone, are going to be called "Road through madness". I haven't uploaded them because I cannot find the fuckin' cable of the camera, and I lend my card reader. So, my pictures are isolated in the camera right now. But I don't even know for sure if those pictures are there. Or even If I want to look at them and remember those days that haven't ended yet, for I can see, I still feel odd about it. I want to be over Tokyo. 

Cause there's no memories over Tokyo...

And there's no hurting over Tokyo...

And so goes on the song (Over Tokyo, Collective Soul). So that's it. A bit of loneliness and songs for the loneliness. Or what did I expected? I don't know. People always says that expectations are no good. That you shouldn't have expectations about anything. But I don't know anyone who doesn't have them. So that's it, it's all crap. And that expectations are going to screw me up  (even more if it is possible). 

Last days I was thinking that I was starting to doing fine, that my senses were coming again to me and that I was starting to function, function. Suddenly, it is not true. 

But here I am (like somebody else use to say) with envy and anger growing,  a pain in the neck (literally) and wanting to shout and punch everything. 

So, after all these non-sense writing I understand why everybody hates me and rejects me.  Or at least I think. I must be far away.

Testing Horroroscope...

Saturday, November 10th, 2007.

Aries: 

You have been left behind 5 times in the same day, thing that confirms how pathetic you  are. That and your really bad luck in finding twice a fuckin'  stinky person on the same day are the result on a conjunction of Jupiter and Mars, or maybe, you're just miserable. Maybe that's why you are lonely writing this crap on a saturday night. Maybe nobody likes you at all, I wouldn't either 'cause you're always whining for the same crap. 

Strange week.

In which strange things happened. But the most important thing. M4st3r-X- is perfectly fine. I thank God (yes, the God who I unleash my anger sometimes seems to be doing good things actually) for that.

But what else happened? Well, I had the flu. It was very unpleasant, actually. And also, I was isolated from almost everyone I care of. Isolation...ostracism? Well, certainly not ostracism, tough it was a "voluntary" act. I put between inverted commas voluntary because although I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't stop it. Some inner force or inner voice (no I'm not hallucinating) was making me doing so. Why do I say it was not voluntary? Because I don't want to be alone. Is one of the things that I suffer the most. That cause me the greatest emotional pains and lead me to a kind of dispair, of not knowing what to do or how to fix it.

But I was doing exactly the opposite. Paradoxic.

Isolation. One of the things that I am trying to avoid. The things that I am trying to escape of. And the things that I do. But why? Why is not possible to relieve or let out this feelings of me.? Or, If it is possible, why I am not able to make it?. Why I struggle every day with an anger and a rage that comes and goes and every day is getting stronger. With a sadness that doesn't want to leave out. With an envy and a hate that drains my energy. With an eternal "Why" on my lips and on my mind.

In what I have become?...
I haven't laughed in days. I barely smile. This cannot be good (doh!) But I just don't know how to fix it... and it's just like my friend Phoenicoperus said: "Es fácil hablar de la carga, cuando tu no la estas cargando" or "It's easy to talk about the load, when you are not carrying it" I just don't want to lose the hope that I keep. The hope that I would be able to make through this situations and stop causing so much stress, worries and annoyance to the people that I love, to the point of abandon.

Anyway...is getting late.
I want this posts to become so less frequent....

Considerando el estado fisico y mental...

Debería haber pensado más publicar este video...sin embargo, esta música, estas letras....

I'm so alone...and I feel just like somebody else....

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

Anxiety

(...)"Según el psicólogo cognitivo Ricardo Ros, la ansiedad está directamente relacionada con el miedo al futuro y está basada en pensamientos relacionados con frases que empiezan con "¿y si...?" ("¿y si me mareo?", "¿y si tengo alguna enfermedad?", "¿y si pierdo el control?", etc) Para este psicólogo, el tratamiento de la ansiedad se tiene que basar en una recodificación de este tipo de pensamientos que permita a la persona vivir en el presente. La persona que tiene ansiedad, dice, siente el futuro como si fuera real, cuando la realidad es que en el presente, que es lo único que existe, no hay ningún motivo para que se genere ansiedad. Cuando la persona vuelve a recuperar su contacto con el presente, la ansiedad desaparece."(...)

(...) Sin embargo, en las sociedades avanzadas modernas, esta característica innata del hombre se ha desarrollado de forma patológica conformando, en algunos casos, cuadros sintomáticos que constituyen los Trastornos de Ansiedad, que tienen consecuencias negativas y muy desagradables para las personas que los padecen. Entre los Trastornos de Ansiedad se encuentran las fobias, el trastorno obsesivo-compulsivo, el trastorno de pánico, la agorafobia, el trastorno por estrés post-traumático, el trastorno de ansiedad generalizada, etc.(...)

Wikipedia en Español. Artículo: Ansiedad

Sigue Marx

y si nuestras condiciones de vida nos permiten elegir cualquier profesión que queramos, podemos adoptar aquélla que nos asegure el mayor bien, un bien basado en ideas de cuya verdad estemos por completo convencidos, que nos ofrezca el abanico más amplio desde el que trabajar para la humanidad, y que nos permita acercarnos verdaderamente al propósito general para el que toda profesión no es más que un medio –la perfección.

Bien es aquello que más eleva a un hombre, aquello que imprime la más alta nobleza a sus acciones y a sus empresas, aquello que lo hace invulnerable, admirado por la multitud y elevado por encima de ella.
Pero el bien sólo puede garantizarlo una profesión en la cual no seamos herramientas serviles, una profesión en la que actuemos independientemente dentro de nuestra esfera. Sólo puede garantizarlo una profesión que no exija actos reprensibles, incluso aunque sean reprensibles sólo en apariencia, una profesión que los mejores puedan ejercer con noble orgullo. Una profesión que garantice esto en su más alto nivel no siempre es la más elevada, pero sí es siempre preferible.

Pero igual que una profesión que no nos garantiza el bien nos degrada, una profesión basada en ideas que más tarde reconocemos como falsas nos hará sucumbir bajo su carga.Y en ese caso no nos queda otro recurso que el auto-desprecio, ¡y qué desesperada salvación la del autoengaño!

Aquellas profesiones no implicadas de lleno en la vida, sino relacionadas con ideas abstractas, son las más peligrosas para los jóvenes cuyos principios y convicciones no son aún firmes, fuertes e indestructibles.

Al mismo tiempo, esas profesiones pueden parecer las más exaltadas si sus raíces se hunden profundamente en nuestros corazones y si somos capaces de sacrificar nuestras vidas y empresas por las ideas que prevalecen en ellas.

Pueden proporcionar la felicidad al hombre que tenga vocación para ellas, pero también pueden destruir a quien las adopta apresuradamente, sin reflexionar, cediendo al impulso del momento.

Marx...

(...) si hemos elegido una profesión para la que no tenemos talento jamas podremos ejercela bien, y pronot nos daremos cuenta con vergüenza de nuestra incapacidad y nos diremos que somos unos inútiles, que somos incapaces de satisfacer nuestra vocación. Entonces, la consecuencia más natural es el autodesprecio, ¿y qué sentimiento es más doloros y más difícil de compensar a pesar de todo lo que el mundo exterior pueda ofrecernos? El autodesprecio es como una serpiente que mordisquea nuestro pecho, absorbiéndonos la sangre del corazón y mezclándola con el veneno de la misantropía y la desesperación. (...)

Blog Action Day.

Interesante iniciativa a la cual me he decidido sumar. Aun para comunicar a mis 4 o 5 lectores algo que probablemente ya sepan, pero igual, he ya hice mi elección. Curiosamente, estos días se entrego el premio Nobel de la Paz y el acreedor a este fue el exvicepresidente de los Estados Unidos, Al Gore. A pesar de la polémica que ha surgido en torno al calentamiento global y el cambio climático, sobre si es cierto o no, hay  un punto muy importante. La contaminación daña al planeta. Al planeta como sistema y todos sus subsistemas, clima, procesos biológicos, seres vivientes. Independientemente del hecho de que se discuta o no el cambio climático, es un hecho que los procesos de contaminación conllevan a una degradación progresiva de la que nadie se salva. O mejor dicho, de la que nadie nos salvamos. Porque invariablemente, cualquier afectación a los sistemas y subsistemas de la naturaleza, independientemente de su magnitud aparente, terminará por afectarnos a nosotros como individuos y especies. ¿O es que acaso, los que vivimos en el hemisferio norte, no es hora ya de que empiece el frío de otoño que aún hace pocos años sentíamos?.

Nosotros, como únicos seres concientes y capaces de modificar el entorno, somos entonces, bajo esa definición, los únicos seres capaces de protegerlo y de restaurar en la medida de lo posible el daño hecho. Y no es necesario que vayamos a atarnos a un árbol a la selva del amazonas. Tampoco es necesarío ir a manifestarnos al polo norte. No, el gran poder que poseemos radica en acciones tan sencillas como apagar las luces que no necesitamos, utilizar hojas de papel reciclado, o reciclar nosotros mismos.

Acciones como estas son determinantes y bien podríamos recordar el famoso proverbio chino que siempre es mencionado cuando se hace referencia a la teoría del caos: "el aleteo de las alas de una mariposa se puede sentir al otro lado del mundo". Tal vez estas pequeñas acciones sean así, aleteos de mariposa...

Blogged with Flock

A thousand kilometers, one tooth less and a few days later.

I'm still here. These days the necessary things didn't let space or time to the important. Or is the necessary the same as the important? Maybe. Maybe not. Still confused, but going on. The trip that I've made was a good break. But still, there are things that aren't fixed yet. Or situations that are not working properly. Doubts to be cleared. Work that hasn't been done. Or work that wasn't supposed to be done. But what is to be done? Am I in the right place? I don't feel it. But where to go? What to do? That's the question.

11 de Octubre

Dia 11 de Octubre...

Dos años de sueño....

Sueño del mapache.... Setecientos treinta dias y ciento cincuenta y un entradas hasta hoy...

Alone.

This night I am alone. Nobody home. Friends away. Sitting in the couch. I feel alone, even when I know (or at least I think) that I am not alone. But these days I've learned that knowing and feeling are two different things, that often not related. The feelings and the thoughts are together inside oneself, but are not the same, and treating them the same way often lead us to confusion. I have been told that I must be with myself to stop feeling lonely and abandoned. A lot of things I have read these days. Also the power of forgiveness. And also, a lot of songs that have helped me. To feel. Suddenly, for someone as rational as I am, feeling has become a very important part of my life. But is hard. Containing all of these feelings as long as I have led me to a difficult task. Now it's hard to manage them. Specially the strong feelings. Specially the rage and the anger. But also I am trying to express my feelings to the people I love and care. Because it has no use to keep it all. Like a force field. Nothing comes in. But nothing comes out. I know it is not easy. And it is also painful. Even now, I feel pain for things that happened one and a half month ago. And for things that happened years before. I know that I am not perfect. And also try to understand. I must have committed mistakes, even when I don't want to, and that's one of my greatest defects. The seek of perfection. Trying to do everything perfect. Humans are not perfects. So, I cannot do that, do perfect things. But here I am. Looking forward. With hope, even among the darkness and despair.

Thursday, almost friday...

And the feelings going on... I was trying to change the topics of this blog, but who knows, maybe it need a complete revamp. I want to do it. Sadly, I do not have the kind of abilities needed to do that, even though I want to do so.

Today the leak in my dam opened even more. I couldn't hold my rage. Well, at least, I couldn't at the degree that I used to. I don't know if I should be happy, of if I should be worried about that. I don't swallow my feelings. But it was strange. This weeks have been that way. I am no longer the tender person that I used to be...now, people began to see my fangs.

And the need to be good at everything. A feeling that doesn't let me enjoy things, just because I am afraid of not doing them well.

Don't hold on your emotions. Let them go. Well. It's kinda scary. But maybe it's true that if I keep everything it will hurt me. Just as I commented in Ahora andá y viví.

Specially when all of them come around together. Specially those which make me struggle harder: loneliness and envy.



They confuse me, make me think more than I want to. And make me feel guilty. Why do I feel envy? Why am  i lonely?

Is it like that travis song "why does it always rain on me, it's because I lied when I was seventheen?"

But now. I don't know. I always look to the past, and asj why? why did I do that? Do I deserve this?

Am I lonely because it's a punishment?

It was a punishment that the last greatest friend that I had......nevertheless.

I think I must go on.

And let me make mistakes.

Blogged with Flock

It might not be.

But hello there. A week ago and things look different. Stress is ahead in work, but seems to be that I can handle it without falling down. So, I can write a little right now. As time goes by, I start to open my eyes to the world again. It's not so fuckin' easy but somebody told me that if every important thing would be easy, then anyone would do it. I really don't like that phrase, but it seems to be that is adequate in this occasion. It's so hard not to see the past (which is done and over) or look to the future (which doesn't exist at all), and focus on the present. But I really want to try it on.

Now, it's thursday. Almost weekend. And I am afraid of it. (See!) Why? Weekend is supposed to be the time of rest, of fun, of relaxation. For me, it is anxiety. "What am I gonna do?", "Am I going out?". A lot of time and a free and twisted mind. That sound like trouble. And even when I hang out with my friends I am involved on my thoughts, even when I try to avoid that. If somebody tolds an anecdote, it makes me thing of all the things I didn't do, because I didn't know, because I was afraid, because I though it was bad. And it's so difficult to carry with all that emotional baggage. And as usual I think, even in that situations "why I am so lonely?, Why do I feel this way? So awkward, feeling that I don't fit".

Well. Those are the fears. But I'm also trying to go on. Trying to enjoy, even if I don't make it, but I want to. Try to take pictures, to learn new things, to go on things that I like and I dropped, try to express myself in new ways. I cannot do all that stuff everytime, but there are in my mind, and starting to go out of me.

The way is still ahead, and even fallen, I start to look ahead...

And there is also, these feelings that make me shake and tremble....feelings that I would like to disappear. Mostly, HATE, RESENTMENT. Things that I would like to forget. But there are still in me. Everyday. I don't want to feel that. I don't want to see that person, to think in that person, and feel like my blood is boiling in rage and violence. Just want to be totally indifferent. Indifferent... To forget things that people that I love did to me, but didn't meant to hurt. To forget complexes. Just to drop off all of these. Unnecessary baggage that I shouldn't carry. Permission to fail, permission to fall, permission to make a lot of mistakes. But also, permission to be happy.

This is it right now. 'Til later.

Blogged with Flock

¡Ah, claro!

Por supuesto. Es tan jodidamente fácil. ¿por qué no se me habrá ocurrido antes?

When you feel on the edge....

Your head will collapse...

And you ask yourself...

Where is my mind?

I would rather prefer not having mind at all. Of feelings. Because living in a constant anger, guilt, sadness, envy it's pointless. It doesnt't worth it. Everyday I feel like I am getting closer of my limit. Everyday I am getting closer of the thought "that's it, I can't take it anymore".

It's killing me. I don't know why I am living. It's practically, a waste. People that could do better use of my life is struggling and suffering... People that could give a better use to my eyes, my heart, my bone marrow, my immune system, my vitallity, my knees. If I could, I would give everything away. Not my lungs. I cannot breathe well, I am always feeling short of breath (asthma ).

But that's the thing. An entire life to waste. I was afraid of a lot of things. And now, well, now it's too late. And also I live in a constant fear...And I know that it is stupid. That my problems are not that serious. I can see. I can walk. I do not have cancer, or AIDS, or anything like that. My mother lives, my sister lives. But I just don't want to be here. Forgive me if I am selfish but I cannot deal with this anymore. Every fuckin day I fear of the death of my beloved ones. Family and friends. I cannot work. I cannot laugh freely. I loved to do so many things and I liked to do a lot. And I never did. I am afraid of what is going to happen for sure. The agony of my grandfather. And there is no escape. I could be....but I was not. I just don't know, why didn't I was like everyone else. Not to think too much. Just go by. But no. I dreamed a lot of things that were not meant for me. And this anger, this hate that I've never felt. It is going to kill me....

One thirty A.M.

And here I am. Struggling with my feelings. Trying to keep myself awake. Feeling bad for being who I am, and feeling this way. Guilty for overwhelming my friends, who have their own, and worse troubles, with my sillyness. Is God sending me signals? Or does he still hate me? Or he hates me and sends me signals. I don't know. I just know that I feel to weary. To tired. And I can still find no peace. I cannot help me, nobody can help me. In who can I rely for a minute at least? Who can save me from this dispair and loneliness? I've been told. You can rely on yourself. I don't think so. I am broken. Inside me, nothing has sense.

Blogged with Flock

Deep anger.

Deep anger and hate is what I feel. And it is extending to everything. Yes, I hate pretty much everything. And just as always. I am alone and by myself. I might need to stop worrying about other people. Because at the end, it's just me. Even the people I loved left me eventually. And fool of me, I am always there. Go to hell everybody then. And also, the good boy of me is over.

Blogged with Flock

Agosto y 2007

Se llevan el premio hasta el momento de mayor numero de entradas en este blog. Lo malo del asunto es que no son entradas que disfrute escribiendo. Fueron más bien, un suceso desesperado. Que aún sigue. Francamente quisiera olvidarme de todo, borrar mi mente, pero sin embargo, en mi cuerpo y en mi alma aun mana la sangre de las heridas. En momentos siento que pierdo la razón y a pesar de que la lógica me dice que eso no tiene sentido, no puedo dejar de sentirlo. La razón tiene poca injerencia en estos asuntos. No hay fotos. Solo algunas que tome en momentos desesperados, y algunas espontáneas que hice en compañía de M4st3r-X-. Y luego empiezo a escuchar a Sigur Rós simbolo indefectible de la melancolía... Quién nunca los haya escuchado, lo recomiendo. Su música es espectacular. La letra también aunque necesitarán algo de ayuda para comprender el islandés (o tal vez no). Tal vez sea solo por mi estado que relacionó su música con la melancolía. Tal vez de otro modo sería alegre, pacífico, relajante para mí. Pero estos días la música es un arma de dos filos. A veces es como una nube de flechas que yo mismo lancé contra mí, esperando otro resultado. Mi cuerpo me duele... me lástima. Mi alma también. Aún. Treinta y tres días hasta este momento...

Actualizacion (08/09/2007). En esta entrada, un video de Sigur Ros

Blogged with Flock

Day 28.

Four weeks have passed. And I think everyday that this feeling is going to kill me. It's so hard to define. At the moment I woke, the sadness came in, like a wave. Then the pain. Then the nausea. I cannot laugh. I'm hungry, but food taste like cardboard. I am weary, but I cannot sleep. I forgot the joy I once had. But I didn't had joy since months ago.

It's so sick. I am with that person, and between my pain, I feel relieved. At least for a moment. I look at that person, and I get a mixture of feeling. A strange happiness, a terrible sadness, a strong pain. And it's killing me. Days go by, so my life. I have wasted 25 years. I haven't taken pictures, I cannot walk in the streets, because my mind assaults me, and every step is painful. Every place that I know that person have been, it's like taking a knife. Words are useless to describe this feelings.

I think that it happened. I tried to stop feeling everything for twenty five years. Now, I cannot stop it.

And you, yes you asked me: "Why? Why do you feel like that, If there wasn't anything between us?

I know. I know a lot of things. Maybe I am naive. But is not your physical. It's not likeness. If it was just that, this would be a lot easier.

Why do I say that God hates me? Well, maybe he doesn't hate me, maybe he hates all the people. Because I fought, I risked, I tried, and didn't achieved. And sometimes I think my dark aura is hurting the people I love.

At this time I just want to runaway. I know that is not the solution. But I just want to scape, I cannot stand this suffering anymore, I cannot bear this pain. It's killing me, and I just can't tell. It's unbearable. I don't know if I am just a stupid and I am overacting, but that's how I feel. It's a pain that doesn't stop, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I punch, no matter how much I cry. It just doesn't go away, but comes again, slicing me......

And here I am. So much affection, so much love to give, but as usual, maybe it's too late for me. Or maybe I am not normal, or not made to this world.

P.D. I shouldn't be doing this, but I am just listening to that old song: Runaway - Real McCoy

Day after day...time after time

Ok, here we go again with this blog, that has become into a soap opera more or less cheap, or maybe classy, or progresist. But here it is again. The neverending story of a crush, infatuation, falling in love (I'll risk to say that last thing). The neverending story of complete jealousy, things that I haven't felt this strong since now, EVER, understood? EVER.

And since there is no solution to my issues, and supposedly God hates me, there is no remedy but write. It's good that you, my two, three, four readers have the right to choose to read or not to read if you get bored.

I have been reading this blog: Mal de Amores and it has been of some help. I even wrote to the author, Dra. Yvonne, and I have been answered. Is one of those situations in where, no matter what people says, no matter you perfectly know what happen, it doesn't help, because all rational thinking cannot stand against the feelings.

Here are some of the writings that I found there:

"Mal de amores: esa condición terrible de estar enamorado pero con despecho, loco pero sin ser correspondido. Superar esta traga maluca no es fácil, no lo sueñes."

also:

Secretos del corazón: El mal de amores es wertheriano. Es una máquina narrativa dolorosa, con final infeliz, entre un narcisista y un obsesivo. El objeto amado se escabulle, se esconde, juega a la indiferencia, aparece y desaparece en un horizonte imposible. Es impenetrable y hermoso. Irreal, como la ruina tibetana. Mientras, del otro lado, la otra pieza de esa máquina asfixiante, yo sufro, yo lloro, yo me afeo, yo me muero.

So, that's, again, how I feel, my dearest readers.

See you until the next chapter of this soap opera.

Blogged with Flock

Exactly how I feel....

Coldplay - Fix You...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Sadly, I don't have nobody to fix me.... I'm just broken...

Blogged with Flock

Podcast, episodio 01

powered by ODEO

Parecen dos blogs...

Pero es solo un autor....

Does anybody?

Have some glue, needle, thread, staples, duct tape, a chewing gum maybe....?


And some analgesic or anesthetic could be of use right now.

¿QUE QUE?

Originalmente el título de este post iba a ser: cable de última hora, Dios me odia. Realmente me odia. Me odia porque me hace sentir cosas que no quisiera sentir en un momento dado. Bueno, realmente todo eso no era el título. Solo lo de Dios me odia. Me senté frente a la computadora y pense lo que iba a escribir. Como lo iba a escribir. Que iba a escribir. A tratar de buscar respuestas a mis preguntas. Un alivio al dolor que siento. Una ayuda, una respuesta, un desahogo más, porque tal como dije a un amigo, parezco tubería rota, regando todo por todas partes y aun así siento algo atrapado en mi interior.

Lo que hoy salió me hizo bien. Creo que fue lo mejor que pude hacer en un momento dado. Al menos no morí. O al menos eso creo. Jajaja poco probable. De estar muerto no sentiría. Nada. Nothing at all. Eso tal vez sea una buena señal.

El post anterior es parte de lo que sigue saliendo. El background que diría un amigo. No sé. Esa tendencia que tengo a ser dejado de lado. Y seguir ahí a pesar de ello. ¿por qué lo hago? Buena pregunta.

Tal vez no sea correcto que yo lo diga. Tal vez soy el menos indicado para escribir. Pero no sé. Es quizás un sentimiento más fuerte que el resentimiento y que la ira. Y que espero que siga vivo en mí. Una ética que me hace apartar ese rencor y quizás una lealtad que me obliga a ayudar a quién quiero y a veces a quién no. Insisto, tal vez no sea el indicado para escribir de esto, más esto es lo que pienso y siento. Es difícil, lo ha sido, pero así lo he hecho. Y creo que así seguiré siendo. Porque es algo de lo bueno que hay en mi. Esa lealtad, ese estar ahí para cuando sea necesario, cuando alguien me necesite, cuando yo pueda dar algo de mi ser, hacia los demás. De eso bueno que pienso, aun vive en mi interior. De esa parte de mi alma que esta ahí, que es parte de lo que deseo ser. De esa esencia puramente buena, puramente honesta que vive dentro de esta coraza de miedos.

Pero también necesito ocuparme de mí. Y no sé cómo. En estos difíciles días me estoy dando cuenta de que estoy menos solo de lo que pienso. Y es en esos momentos cuando pienso que tal vez Dios no me odie...al menos no tanto.

Porque ha pesar de que me ha vapuleado miserablemente estos días. Porque a pesar de que gritó ¿por qué? sin obtener respuestas.

Porque a pesar de todo eso, hoy, me quede menos solo. Hoy me tendieron la mano y me abrazaron, a pesar de estar a mil kilómetros o más de distancia. O a pesar de estar a cientos de metros, estar de noche y ocupados, pero también fui confortado.

Aun así pienso que Dios me odia. Solo que tal vez no tanto.

Direct attack, fruit of my anger.

What a jerk would I say. But I guess that was the point with my other posts. At least the ones that have a comic (garfield or the other one).

Anger.

Why?
Why should always stay for everyone? If somebody need me? Should I be always there? Even when people make me aside to go for their issues?

I don't know.

I don't even know what am I going to do right now....

I don't even know why do I have the need to open up my heart to those persons.

But I will do it.

I don't know why.....'cause I am fuckin' afraid.

But may God Help me.

Or finish me.

Oh, for all Heavens.

This night I am realizing that I am so screwed and fucked-up....

How was it?

How did it happen?

How did I become in this?

Another day, and its night.

Full of questions that were made to me. But not as full of answers. This day was better than yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before the day....Ok, knock it off. Affection. Give and take. Confusion. Sadness. Worries. Decisions. I've been thinkin' about all of these. I also was thinking about other stuff, but it seems that those thoughts were not attached to the reality. Or at least, that's why I think. Maybe I am getting better. I really want to be in control right now. Try to heal my wounds and go on. Go on living. Pretty ironical that I read that blog so often and don't do that.

But now, I am at a point that, at least, I can go to rest and start focusing on work and trying to help my body. My mind, well, I'm in treatment, and I think it's working. Even though some people think terapy doesn't help.

But I know that is because people worry. Specially when you wrote things like the ones in this blog jajaja.

I still feel awkard. Confused, angered, sad. But I feel relieved, because I know my friends are there to help me, and I know when I'm ok I will help them, or even if I am not ok, I will help them when they need me. I feel relieved, because I people I care of, is now awakening to a new life.

I just hope I can be the person that I want to be...not just this weeping puppet.

I will finish this post with a psalm, that was the only that I remembered when I needed to. I don't know if it is a message from God, or just a casualty. If it's just a hope, or maybe a wrong idea. If everything is going to be ok for me, or the next week is going to be worst. I don't know what I am going to do. But here it is. I feel like I want to write it down...

Salmo 121.

Levanto mis ojos a las montañas:
¿de dónde me vendrá la ayuda?

La ayuda me viene del Señor,
que hizo el cielo y la tierra.

Él no dejará que resbale tu pie:
¡tu guardián no duerme!

No, no duerme ni dormita
él guardián de Israel.

El Señor es tu guardián,
es la sombra protectora a tu derecha:
de día, no te dañará el sol,
ni la luna de noche.

El Señor te protegerá de todo mal
y cuidará tu vida.

Él te protegerá en la partida y el regreso,
ahora y para siempre.

One night like any other.

At least like any other in this month. I guess this is becoming kind of boring. Just writing about the same crap over and over again. But hey, nobody has the obligation to read it. You are free to leave whenever you want, even not coming by if you don't want to. But I am here. I am at home and I didn't wanted to. Why did I stay? I don't know it for sure. Fear is the most adequate reason. I cannot sleep. I feel weary. Maybe it's like that phrase "no peace for the weary". Day before yesterday I walked and walked. At home, I saw me at the mirror. My face was dirty, my eyes were red, my skin was burned. I really don't know how to put this to an end. This is becoming just too much for me to handle. I saw me at the mirror and I felt sad for looking at me...

And I really don't know how to put this to an end, without causing a greater suffering. But nevertheless. It doesn't matter. They say that nothing last forever... But there has been too many years, crowned by these last months and weeks.....

Las circunstancias.

Los eventos, lo que sucede... En este momento parece que el dolor se va, el miedo disminuye, no lo sé. Solo espero que no lleguen de nuevo y aun más en desbandada. Pero no se. Por una parte me siento tranquilo. Por otra, débil, vulnerable y a merced de mis viejos fantasmas dentro de mi. Y si, un poco de miedo. Pero en fin, es por mí....

Se va la tristeza...

Pero queda la melancolía.....

UPDATE 15:09. Pain is back

El dia que la vida o Dios me jodió, nos jodió, jodió.

Así es. Estoy en el trabajo. Debería estar trabajando. I should... But not. I am here wasting my time trying to survive. Or something. Haven't slept well last nights. Seems to be that I will have no peace. Yesterday, I thought it could be possible. But seems to be that those assumptions are not but pipe dreams. Hopes are fading more and more. And even when I'm trying to go up, seems to be that God and the Universe are trying the opposite. Maybe I, they, we are just the diversions of the immortal.....

UPDATE: Or maybe not but I just don't know...just feel weak...

At this moment....

I don't know if the rage or the sadness are inside me. And I don't know why. I don't know why life turns so complicated every fuckin' day. And it's something that I cannot understand. I cannot understand why people is always repressing life and it makes me anger. I don't know If I could sleep tonight. Because I feel I feel and I feel. And still feeling, and everythings turns out to be more confusing. If I could I will explode, but I can't. I can't even tell my closests friends what's going on with me, 'cause I am afraid to hurt them, or to displease them. It's like if showing them the real me the things that I do and feel, the thoughts and everything else could make me more vulnerable. To be hurted again... And I still feel anger and rage against the stupid people. And also feel like if something was trapped in my chest. Everything started to hurt, everything seemed to be wrong.

And then the sadness again. Why God, why. I can't understand. Why I can't just cry wherever I want, whenever I want. But it is not OK to cry. So, I cannot even runaway to any place. I cannot find relief. And I ask again and raise my hand against God. And ask...why. But I cannot cry...it's wrong, I don't have a place to do so.....

And everything goes so complicated again and again and again. Why didn't I ran away when I could?

Why
Why

The eternal question in my life.
Why....

Tmb pasa...it's sad too

La tristeza y la furia.

En un reino encantado donde los hombres nunca pueden llegar, o quizás donde los hombres transitan eternamente sin darse cuenta...
En un reino mágico, donde las cosas no tangibles, se vuelven concretas...
Había una vez... un estanque maravilloso.
Era una laguna de agua cristalina y pura donde nadaban peces de todos los colores existentes y donde todas las tonalidades del verde se reflejaban permanentemente...

Hasta ese estanque mágico y transparente se acercaron a bañarse haciéndose mutua compañía, la tristeza y la furia.
Las dos se quitaron sus vestimentas y desnudas las dos entraron al estanque.
La furia, apurada (como siempre esta la furia), urgida -sin saber por qué- se baño rápidamente y mas rápidamente aun, salió del agua...
Pero la furia es ciega, o por lo menos no distingue claramente la realidad, así que, desnuda y apurada, se puso, al salir, la primera ropa que encontró...
Y sucedió que esa ropa no era la suya, sino la de la tristeza...
Y así vestida de tristeza, la furia se fue.

Muy calma, y muy serena, dispuesta como siempre a quedarse en el lugar donde está, la tristeza terminó su baño y sin ningún apuro (o mejor dicho, sin conciencia del paso del tiempo), con pereza y lentamente, salió del estanque.
En la orilla se encontró con que su ropa ya no estaba.
Como todos sabemos, si hay algo que a la tristeza no le gusta es quedar al desnudo, así que se puso la única ropa que había junto al estanque, la ropa de la furia.

Cuentan que desde entonces, muchas veces uno se encuentra con la furia, ciega, cruel, terrible y enfadada, pero si nos damos el tiempo de mirar bien, encontramos que esta furia que vemos es sólo un disfraz, y que detrás del disfraz de la furia, en realidad... está escondida la tristeza.

Jorge Bucay

¿Será?

Les jours tristes.

I want to do a lot of things, I have to do a lot of things, I must (I guess) to do a lot of things. But I don't do much. But writing, transforming this space into a weeping scroll, writing in english. I was thinking about it, why do I write in english. Because it is less painful. It is like if someone else was writing, instead of me, but I know that is me. I know it sounds weird, but common people do a lot of weird things. Yesterday some things happened at work that still annoy me. Well it's kinda normal, but still bothers me, along with the other stuff that is hurting me right now. Well, but I have to say thank you. Thanks to my to beloved friends for helping me and listening to me. Sometimes I complain about that I am a closed, kinda lonely person. That I do not have many friends. But at least the few I have are the greatest. But it scares me too much when the moment that they will walk away come. It is irrational and stupid to worry about that, but, as I said, for a person like me...

As things goes on I feel a sudden anxiety of what is coming. For example, tonight. I always think that for some reason I don't fit in life in common stuff, common diversions. That tends to make me angry. On the other side, I like to spend time with the people I care, make bond stronger and also giving me the opportunity to know other people.

Maybe it's a fear of not being good enough or interesting enough. Maybe....

But for now I shall leave, because this mixture of anger, sadness, and other feelings tends to overwhelm me.

Maybe later I'll post a story that I've heard sometimes. Just to ask for an opinion.

Que estén bien.

I think...

That sometimes phisical pain is more bearable than emotional...(of course, if they're not related)....

After the storm...

I'm still putting this image. It represents very well how I felt (or feel) sometimes.

Probably.

A lizard in my window.

But it doesn't have nothing to do with the things that I am going to write. But it seemed a good title.

Sometimes I do not know why the past tends to tie us so much. In my mind a lot of thoughts fly and crash every time. Why this? Why that?

And I just keep asking why? And saying that is too late. At least, my recent experience of trying to take a new way in my proffesional life tells me that. One year, three failures. For a little time, I thought that I could make it. But I was wrong I guess. And I still remember people asking me Why? Why didn't you do that before? Why are you doing this?. Before, before, before.

That could be easy for them. But not for me. I failed in my decisitions years ago and now I struggle...and fail.

Be strong. It's just in your mind. Make an effort. I hear that a lot too. When I talked to my friends of an anxiety crisis that I had to years ago, of the fears that I had and have, people just stare at me like if I was crazy. May be I am.

People seems to be very annoying...It's just like a relationship, there is always one person who loves more or gives more. I gave more, received less. Or maybe just was foolish, naive, stupid, pendejo, imbécil, don't know.

Yes, I know this is becoming stupid, depressing, boring, that I should not be putting things like these in my blog, but again

IT'S FUCKIN' MINE

So, after this intervention, I may continue with my blabbering. I also get infatuated, fall in love, obsesse or fix I don't know exactly what it is, on people that is not possible to relate with, in that way.

Be strong....I heard that too.

How can someone like me, social inept, sporty incapable, romantic failure, academic wannabe be possibly strong.

I don't know.

WHERE IS MY MIND?

When tomorrow came two days later.

But is even better than ten years later.

My tongue is tied. My fingers don't write too much either. And there is still the confusion. It is so hard to be myself and to share it with the people I want to. I don't even know what I am, so, it's difficult.

I really don't feel like I must be writing right now. My eyes hurt a little. I'm supposed to sleep or something.

Silence leads to pain.

Pain leads to dispair.

Another Post in this Blog

So it is. Here am I, everyday less anonymous thanks to a very good blog, from a great person (you know who you are). I really thought about killing this, but after all, it seemed like if I was killing a part of myself, so I don't know, it's one of my scape valves, even when I doesn't want to know nothing about the world, when I feel lonely, even when I guess just few people read it.

So, here am I, just telling a few thing.

THIS IS MY FUCKIN' BLOG AND I CAN WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT ON IT.

So now, It's hard to start writing. It is almost painful. It's like every word came out like a tear, like a drop of blood, like a needle that comes through the skin.

But is more painful to get all the stuff inside, hurting you directly.

Why do I do this? Because I can.

Because there are too many few ways in which I can say how much I hate, how much anger lies inside me, how much fear, how much sadness, but also, hoy much hope, love, joy, lies inside, and cannot go out either.

Last days I tried something that I thought it was going to be the best for me. I think I've failed, and that only made my anger grew up, so my sadness.

why did I do it? I don't know for sure, or maybe, as somebody said to me, "it's too painful for you to tell".

Might be. But those only lead to confusion. And an old pain. The old pain of an incorrect path, a deep shame of doing something wrong, and be struggling right now to find the correct way, without success.

And It's a deep shame. I don't really know what is worse, admitting it, or hearing the people asking you "why you don't do that before" or "do something else". The thing is that it seems that I've failed, so I am strugglin' here with this.

Later comes the confusion of being myself, the fear of talking, the anger of feeling lonely, the envy and other feelings that struggle inside me...

Nevertheless, it's hurting. I will continue tomorrow I guess.
I promise.

There is nothing

There has been nothing here, and it won't be anything here in some time. It can be tomorrow, it can be in a month or maybe a year or never, who knows...

What?

Exercising the exercise of narcisism, or at least trying to find out what does those eyes says. It is a difficult exercise to look at yourself at the eyes and tell to you what are you, to see what you are, to avoid all things you don't like in the outside, and to look deep inside to find out, without stereotypes, and sillyness, just yourself, plain, genuine, no attachments.

And there was me, trying to find out so, and found somethings, but I didn't avoid the exterior, and my concerns about it, the physical illness (or hypochondriasis) and all the defenses. All the "I don't cares" all the "it doesn't affect me" faces, all the "stay away" attitudes.

And It's still difficult to see through.

But tomorrow I will do something that relates to that, somehow. Another try to find out, another way to probe that I can live my life and pursue what I am, what I'm being, what I want to be, even when I'm not pretty sure. But I will try.

Mmmm thinking too much as usual.

[paragraph erased 03/Sept/2007]

AS you can see, it wasn't just schizophrenia these days.

What do you see when you really look at you?
What do you feel.?

What's left.

And that's the title that came to my mind when the window opened. What's left. And as usual why?
Which is the barrier that stops the flowing of the energy?
Why am I writing this metaphisyc crap?
Do we really have the power?
Are we just pawns of the Universe?
Do things have a reason?
Or things just happen?

I don't know, and probably will never know...
Just want to live, not to suffer life, but to live life.

I guess that's all for today

At last the rain.

And also with the rain came other stuff. Strange that a friend of mine is telling me that his state of mind it's not the ideal. Mine neither. After a week of normality, as Mona Montrois said: "Oh God, here it comes. The internal struggle, the orgy of Doom". And why why why I ask. If everything was going so well. Then it comes all the anxiety, the anger, the sadness and confusion, the doubt, the guilt. And then, it's like if I was hit by a truck or something. Try to rescue me. And try to figure out me.

And then again, it comes and goes, and incoherence flows.

Definition

Wallflower.- person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party.

Doscientas y una entradas.

Como diría la Comisión Federal de Electricidad de México, se dice fácil, pero requiere grandes dosis de procrastinación. Jajajaja. En verdad nunca creía que esto del blog fuera a durar tanto para mí, pero ha sido, de nuevo, un ejercicio creativo, de expresión y emocional bastante bueno. A veces siento que cuento de más, a veces de menos, pero creo que ha sido en la medida de lo justo, puesto que solo gente que aprecio y otras personas que estoy teniendo el privilegio de conocer, a pesar de la distancia lo leen.

Ahora me gustaría agradecer a quienes comentan y a quienes no jajaja y esperar que sigan leyendo y disfrutando, si es que les agrada lo que leen.

Termino este post con otra frase para completar:

No hay contento en esta vida, que se pueda comparar.........

Celebremos la entrada 200

Con algo bien bien pero bien gracioso. Jajaja. Dedicado a ti, mi querido M4st3r-X-. Lo necesitas:

¡Completa la Frase!

Completa la frase de Quevedo y hazte acreedor a un minuto de tu tiempo procrastinado:

No hay placer más descansado....

Noches....

Noches calientes (no, no piensen mal...). Simplemente hace calor, no afuera, sino que el sol recalienta las paredes de mi habitación y pues ya se imaginaran. De cualquier modo eso no impide que siga con este reto, en parte motivado, en parte autoimpuesto. El buen M4st3r-X- escribió hoy día acerca de la procrastinación (hacer concha, hueva, desidia..etc.) y de su costumbre de comer como un ave (es decir, sin masticar). La procrastinación es mala. Jajaja bueno, lo único de malo es que conduce a un stress posterior que resulta aún peor que el stress inicial de haber terminado el trabajo a tiempo. Solo que a veces parece inevitable.

Ultimamente he identificado una serie de frases que se identifican en parte con lo que siento que era, dejé de ser y ahora, vuelvo a ser poco a poco.

Esta es una de ellas:

Bueno, esto es todo por esta noche, el calor es canijo.

O hisashiburi desu...

It's been a while (I hope that this phrase don't become so frecuent). Damn Camino!, seems to be good, but I can't disable the spellcheck and it is becoming annoying (because it's the spanish version).

There are good things to say in this so called personal blog. I am less crazy than weeks ago and seems that things are going ok and well. Ok, I think it's done. I can go on.

Past may 15 was the macniversay and I totally forgot to make a mention of it in this blog. Sometimes happen, that you are thinking to do or to say something and when the day comes, you just forget it. Well, that happened to me, but now, it's about one year that I am in the wonderful world of Mac.

But that is the less important. I'm becoming a normal being. How's that?

Well, I am just acquiring some balance in life. My mind has been better. I've been smiling more. Worrying less. And that's good, pretty good indeed, in other words, I am holding to life again, not just leting go.

Starting from today, I shall try to accomplish a challenge that M4st3r-X- gave me. To post daily an entire week. I don't know ir it is going to work, or how the quality of the posts is going to be, but I'll give it a try.

So, I'm gone. Until tomorrow.

A week

One week has passed since the last time I posted in this blog. As I am starting to write this I am feeling not so good at all. Too many feelings. Too much anger. Maybe I'll write later.

Algo temprano.

Así es. A estas horas también se cuecen habas.O es tal vez que la inspiración no tiene un horario fijo y es como los un órgano interno: realmente no le importa que tengamos que hacer o en que estemos ocupados cuando presenta sus demandas. A punto de emprender un viaje. Bueno, no es un viaje muy largo, pero es uno que no deseo hacer justo ahora.....ups..gotta go esto seguira despues, si la inspiracion es propicia...

Ciao.

Another evening.

PRESENT PRESENT PRESENT!!!!! FOCUS ON PRESENT. At least that's what I've been told to do. It is what a friend says also. It's what I think that I must do.

At this point, most of my existetial issues (I call them that way, I do not know if they really are) are a product of not living right here, right now.

Worrying about things that were, thinking too much about things that are not yet, or even may or may not occur.

Trying to break this ties to the time that hasn't come...It is not easy, but I was managing to achieve it, until.....

Until I was close to an event. A loss.

Losses that have been recently very strong in my life. From the deepest loss (death), to losses that, although aren't that deep, they are also significant. It can be put in one phrase: when somebody leaves.

As I wrote in the last entry. Everybody has to follow their own path. Everyone has it's mission in life (even if they have discovered it or not).

But for me, it is becoming to hard to say goodbye.

Recently I have tested a path. It didn't worked. Why? Probably, it wasn't what I wanted to. Probably, I didn't made enough efforts. Now, I have chosen another path, one that I've considered long time ago. I shall try it, because I need to know if that path is for me, if that path is part of my mission, is part of my life, if it is part of what I want to be.

And I shall have to say good bye. Or maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe there are no goodbyes. Just some "see you later".

But is more difficult when you are a lonely person. For people like me, every friend becomes something very important...almost sacred, When a bond start to grow,then also the affection. When you find someone to share a part of your own life, then, differences shrink....

But is difficult to accept that we have to say good bye or see you. I say "I accept that". But the pain remains. Would be easier if that person has already left. But no, and then, we talk about the beginning. Living in the present. Not in past, nor future.

And turns to be a more difficult when that person take influence on you, and make you question your own life.

Although, I guess that will be a topic for another entry.

Good Night.

By the way, Paulo Coelho writings are somehow related....

Manual de conservar caminos.

ACTUALIZACIÓN: Por cierto, el link anterior lo lei gracias a Phoenicoperus.

Good Evening again.

Decisions are taken as I write this lines. Not just my decisions. The decisions of every person in this world. Decisions like going to bed or pickin' up something to eat. Decisicions like pursuing a career. Decisions like marrying someone. Decisions like killing someone. Decisions of saving someone's life.

Why am I writing about this. Well. I have made such decisions in the last months. But I am not concerned about mine decisions this night....well, I am, in fact, but I am going to write about something else.

And talk about something that I do not like, and something that has happened last years. When the people whom I love leaves.

I tried to read and understand bhuddism. One point was the most important. Do not bond or attach to anything in this world. Anything. Do not have desires. Desires are the origin of pain and suffering.

Somehow, I thought that losing that bonds will obviously make you lose suffering. You suffer for the things you love or care about. For the people you love or care about. Even if that thing is not with you. But that is bond. And attachment. If you don't care for the things and persons of the world, you won't suffer. It leads you to a peaceful state...but it has its price. You resign happiness.

I do not know if I am right. I do not know If I am misunderstanding the teachings of the Bhudda. Or even misunderstanding human feelings. But is how I feel now.

Someone I met, not so much time ago is considering to leave. I should feel happy. That person is, like everyone else, pursuing or trying to find what is the best way in life. I do not know that person a long time ago...but recently, I have developed some affinity, some friendship, even some affection, and I like it, because, even though we are different in a lot of things, we can talk, we can share, even a little time so on.

And I feel sad...I know that might be selfish, because I want to know that person better...maybe share more time, thoughts, feelings, a friendship....but is painful, that I am also searching my own path, and I shall leave to find it too.

I'm sad, because when I started to dispel my loneliness, to find people in the world, to share my life, to share feelings, to share smiles, to share affection, to share tears and pains, to help....and then times go by, life goes on.....

It is sad to make a friend, just to watch that friend leave...

But....do whatever you have to do, to find your way...to be yourself, to pursuit your mission, to be happy, to be in peace.....

Good Evening.

As you may have noticed, I put out some entries. By the way thanks. I looked for help and I guess I am doing better. I was going to write some other stuff, but now, it is forgotten. All I know is about that I feel like weeks ago. Nervous, like a lion in a cage. Thinking (maybe too much, maybe just enough). Asking myself. In sometimes losing against the feelings that assault me. But right now, my mind is busy, not with the desicions that I took, but with the decisions that I am taking. A lot of people told me: do what you must to do to be happy, you worry too much, go, fly, try, don't be afraid of mistakes, never is late. Some of my paradigms are still making noises in my mind...some of those advices were just that, advices, but they are also making sound.

I took a decision again. I am deeply worried about it. I have mistaken before. I do not know if it is right. I do not know if it is going to help me to become the person that I want to be, or even If I am going to live to see that.

But I shall give myself the chance. One of the chances that I didn't give me in the past.

I just hope this path lead me to light.....

Reminder for me.

Don't try to change the whole universe in one day.

Mucho que hacer.

¿Lo estoy haciendo? Naaaaaaa. Estoy honrando a la sagrada actividad de la procrastinación. Carente de motivación quizás, o tal vez solo carente de ganas, me dispongo y escribo. Escribo, porque de eso si tengo ganas, mientras escucho la música que me reconforta medianamente esta noche, en los inicios de la primavera. Ahh la primavera, nada como el calor y la rinitis alérgica estacional. Recibiendo mensajes desde todas partes, los cuales no se si deba leer, o si acaso serán solo figuraciones de un subconsciente con demasiado tiempo libre, muy a mi pesar.

Así es. Muchos mensajes, y a su vez, nuevas y variadas situaciones angustiantes, que no todas son en torno a mí, sin embargo, las hago mías. Casi media semana laboral. Casi media semana de haber vuelto. Casi media semana de que otra vez te tengan por excelente o por incompetente, sin siquiera saberlo uno mismo.

Caramba, estoy escribiendo en la dulce lengua de Castilla, que ya no es de Castilla, de España, que ya tampoco es de España, sino que es de muchos países, entre ellos México, y que ya tampoco es de México, sino que es de cada quién, puesto que no a muchos entiendo, y si entiendo, es poco el entendimiento, o a veces, entiendo y entendemos de más.

Y es constante la búsqueda, puesto que si no fuera así, tal vez estaría muy contento, mediocrando la mediocridad. Pero no, estoy buscando, quizás de más, o quizás no lo suficiente. Y es así que me atrevo a escribir. A perpretar este texto, esta "entrada" como le llaman en ese Castellano que...blablabla.

Por eso me gusta poner mis fotos. A veces expresan más. Pero también se cada quién puede reflejar su ser en lo que fotografío. ¿Y acaso no en lo que escribo? Tal vez si. Esta conciencia global cada día nos alcanza más y más. Para bien, o para mal. No he tomado fotos....quiero tomar fotos. No tengo tiempo de tomar fotos. Ansío tomar fotos.

¿Buen fotografo? No hoy, no mejor que muchos, ni peor que otros tantos. Buena persona. No lo sé. Tal vez sea bueno, tal vez sea malo. Platón no me pudo dar la respuesta. Solo me hizo encontrarme con más preguntas. Kierkegaard hizo que buscar lo que soy se convirtiese en una máxima (y lo hizo con una sola frase). Sartre me dijo que dejara de quejarme, que siempre he sido y soy libre. Me duele la garganta y no he hablado. Me duelen los ojos y no he visto.

¿Qué es todo esto? ¿Sirve para algo, además de perder el tiempo que tendría que estar utilizando en labores más "productivas"? ¿Acaso sirve para arrancarles a mis lectores comentarios respecto a mi salud mental?

¿o es qué ni siquiera es necesario buscarle sentido u objeto, sino solo dejarlo ser?

At night.

Just thinking and thinking....what am I doing....what am I going to do?
What is going to happen to me?......

The wind blows.

I would like the wind could take away all the things that I have been feeling lately. Yes. Lately. Just a few years ago. I know an old lady. She always seems to be happy. To live so intensely, even though she is an old person. And she says that she does not regret anything. That if she could live again, she would do exactly the same things...

What can I say?...I think I just regret and regret. And every decision that I try to do makes me doubt inevitably.

Ok, I just needed to throw away this things......In this kind of box

Until next time.

Slippin'

Slipping in my faith until I fall.............................

Two years ago.

Two years ago I was at the same point that I am now. It is not that I haven't moved on these years. It's just that I am again, at the same crossroad, with the same doubts, or even more doubts. Because I thought that this time would be different. And it was different. It's just that I thought, foolishly, that it would be easier. And it is just the same. Different, but the same. And now, I am at the same point that I was two years ago. What am I going to do....

Come on

"Come on try a little....nothing is forever....there's got to be something better than in the middle......"

Push comes to shove.

It's true, it's true. All the crap that is written in "Where is my cheese" is true. Change scares. Life scares. Most of it, when it comes all together. In the middle of being attracted to someone that you shouldn't be attracted to, changes in proffessional life, awakening from a fear... and it all comes together.
Difficult to handle. Not impossible. Still difficult.
Sometimes I think that it would be better to withdraw. But something inside me says that I would regret it. So, I shall go on.

Near midnight.

And with a little struggle. What happens when you like a person, but you don't want that feeling? How do you fight against something that you cannot manage? Or again something that you do not control? That is the question of the night. A struggle that I think every human being has to deal with, in a given moment. It's just....that seems difficult to feel something like that, when you cannot fulfill the feeling. Kind of painful.

Stress?

Sometimes I think: Is it possible to live without any stress? I think of a buddist monk trying to reach inner peace, and getting stressed on that search. Jajaja, but I don't think that really happens, I just imagine it. Time is always upon us, things came and came, it doesn't matter if you're studying or working (of course, unless you are an irresponsible student or worker). At the end, Could be stress somehow a motor that makes us try to get things done? I do not know, but sometimes is annoying. Sometimes, I would like to be a carefree person. Sometimes, is easier just to do what you got to do. Problems, some small, some not so small, they are always there. Is possible to deal with them without getting on our nerves? Who knows. Maybe all of us, but we have things to do, but instead, we procrastinate sometimes.

Drag....

You’re always ahead of the game
I drag behind
You never get caught in the rain
When I’m drenched to the bone every time
You’re the first one to swim across the Seine
I lag behind
You’re always ahead of the game
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posses every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You’re the monkey I’ve got on my back
That tells me to shine
You’re always ahead of the pack
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

You’re always ahead of the rest
When I’m always on time
You got As on your algebra tests
I failed and they kept me behind
I just gotta get off my chest
That I think you’re divine
You’re always ahead of the rest
While I drag behind

I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind
I drag behind

Explanations

Is trying to find an explanation for everything a vain effort? I ask this question, because I think (and I also believe that everyone has these thouughts at least one time in their lives) about the reality in which I live. And sometimes I always try to get an explanation. Or better said, to get an answer for the question Why? That also leads me to another issues. Not everything can be explained, not everything has an immediate answer (or even an answer). So, Is it worthy to make such questions?. Philosophy says "yes". Says that maybe it is a neverending task. But is also taking life seriously. But then I think Does it make any sense? Thinking and thinking and thinking doesnt'l lead to realize of all things in life that aren't good? Doesn't it discover the worse in reality?.

Again, I do not know. It is difficult to take a position. Intellectual activity is very pleasant, and leads to an state of mind in which is possible to make a reflection that helps us to reach some supreme values.

But also, it is possible to find a way to despair.

Anyway, I don't feel so good and I want to sleep.

Until next time.

Maybe I am not doing it so bad.

Specially when you consider that I am starting to look at the positive side of not so good things. Nevertheless some fears still stalk me. Everything just seems to become more and more complex. In the meanwhile, I am trying to understand things at a speed that is significantly slower than the speeds of the changes. But, I'm still trying to go on. To move along. Health problems are not to be taken so lightly, but I don't want to make a big issue about it. It's just and advice to start taking care of me. I hope. Now, this is real, not a product of my mind. But also, my mind tends to play games with me. Specially when I think about the people I love. But, just as I said, I have good expectations about this. And about life. But it is still complicated, and sometimes I just want to scream it all loud and say: Oh F@ck, screw it, etc. But I am still here. And I still want to live, to learn, and to give my love and affection, and build bridges that grow, instead of falling. Until next time.

P.S. DAMNATION!!!! Please, one comment won't take you more than a minute or two guys.
P.S. II. Just kidding.

Green light.

And that was precisely the phrase that caught up my atention, while I was listening to a song. Today was better than yesterday. And I hope than worse than tomorrow, because that would mean that tomorrow would be better than today. Today I didn't do all that I was supposed to. But I did more than I was doing lately. Maybe it is a good sign. Maybe it's just a reflection of something that goes on in my mind. Some things go clear, some other things remain cloudy. The purpose of my life is one of the things that remains cloudy. Between the alternatives, it is difficult to chose. Because I am suddenly stalked by the phantoms of my past errors. All the things that I regret somehow, although some of then gave me new chances. It's difficult to have a new perspective, when your errors caught you, instead of you learning from them. Nevertheless, it's getting late, and I have to wake up early.

See you then.

March, Eleven, Two Thousand and Seven.

And it goes on. Worrying about an office job that is not suited for me. Worrying about the job that is supposed to be suited for me, but that I think I am not doing well. Bridges that fall apart. Everybody is leaving as time goes by. Once or twice per year. Some people goes and come back. Some other may come back, but I do not know about them, so, it is as if they never come back. Thinking, thinking thinking, thnking sometimes seems like a curse, instead of a blessing. Thinking too much leads to despair, to move in an eternal circle of doubts. And what's the point of writing these? Maybe to gain, at least, some relief to this feelings. To the feeling that the past is showing up everytime, telling that your mistakes led you to where you are now. The feeling that loneliness have prevailed. The feeling that someone is with you. Do we really need to interact with the people? Seems to be, but, sometimes I think that it only leads to deceive. Am I taking the right desitions? Am I doing right? Am I good? Or good enough? And, at last, just like yesterday....what am I?

Delirium

That's the definition that Altavista-Babel Fish gave to me when I wrote "desvarío" in the text box, and clicked translate. My English dictionary says: "an acutely disturbed state of mind that occurs in fever, intoxication and other disorders and is caracterized by restlessness, illusions and incoherence of thought and speech" I am not intoxicated (at least I don't think I am). I do not have fever. Maybe I can clasify my state of mind in "other disorders". By now, in this entry I have used 3 pairs of quotation marks (that was just an informative statement). Well, what is it going to be now? As usual, existential problems (as they are commonly named)? Or some kind of delirium? Beginning of schizophrenia? No, I just don't think so.

But I am going to write, indeed, about some states of mind, and feelings (maybe my three or four readers are accustomed to).

A few points to start: Is it possible to live without knowing ourselves? Everyone lives with him or herself. Everyone knows his/her body, what is comfortable, uncomfortable, pleasant, not pleasant, hilarious, sad, under their own and personal perspective. But, I do not know, if it is possible to don't actually knowing more complex issues about ourselves. What is the reason for living? To find a mission in life. Is it possible, or healthy, to live without a path or at least, a compass that shows the north that could simbolyze, the goal of our living? It is healthy to try to build bridges between ourselves and other people? Which are the boundaries between selfsteem and selfishness?

Well, those are the questions that are roaming through my mind lately. I dropped something that I didn't need. An anxiety and fear that wasn't leading me to anywhere. A year feeling that. I was just happy about dropping that burden. But I started to think, and think, and think.

What am I?. What do I want to be?

I feel, but I am not sure if what I feel is good, correct, right, or if it is not just an illusion.

Again: another thing. Times changes. People changes. I do not know, if I should just try to walk alone, and avoid criticism, regrets, and rejections. Or If I should try, as I have been doing, to build bridges, between myself and the rest of human kind, but at least, the people I care about, or the people that I'm starting to care about. And share. And that freaks me out.

It freaks me out, 'cause I felt so alienated a long time. And also. I lack of an interesting past, or an interesting life, as long as I know. I look behind, and everything seems so boring, and the good times, so far away. I look ahead, and I cannot see anything. I look at where I am, and don't know how was that I ended up here.

Just trying to figure out. Jus trying to avoid the mistakes of the past that are nailed on me, in spite of all my efforts to leave them behind.

And a present that sometimes is unbearable. Because there is no past as foundation, no future to see. A confusion of what I am and feel.

Bridges that I try to build, but that fall over emptiness. And the envy that it makes me feel.

Ok, that's all now.
Until next time.

It ain't easy.

And as usual, I am talking about living. But it could be easier, if ourselves drop all the burden that sometimes we carry innecesarily. Fears that don't have a reason, ideas that do not help us, negative thoughts, etc. Why do I say this? Well, because I have started to drop some of that heavy load. And sometimes it is difficult. It's like awakening from a long sleep. It's not easy at the beginning. But somehow, once you are awake, you might be able to start the day.

So, I'm starting to wake up.
I want to wake.

Suddenly I see

Life is not as bad as I thought.
As a matter of fact, now I think that life can be actually good.

En la encrucijada.

Pero después de todo ¿acaso no es toda la vida una pinche encrucijada?

Aqui de nuevo.

Realmente no sabía que esperar de este día que esta por terminar. Me habían dicho "no puede ser peor que hace un año", "lo peor ya paso" y otras frases celebérrimas que se escuchan bien o se sienten apropiadas en un momento dado. Viendo que a pesar de lo que siento, solo esta dentro de mí. El mundo ha sido un lugar desgarrador, pero no tanto como hace 17 meses. Y hace 12 de ellos que es más díficil. Veo tantos contrastes que no se que pensar. No se donde cabe la esperanza, si es que hay lugar para ella. Trato de ver lo bueno, y a pesar de todo surge lo demás. "Estoy distraído". El mundo siguió caminando. Todos siguieron su vida hoy día. Riendo, gritando, bailando. Yo me encuentro escribiendo. Sopesando. Se supone que este el es "pan de cada día" de todos, que la vida no esta exenta de problemas, que no todo es miel sobre hojuelas, o un lecho de rosas. En todo caso, tampoco debería ser un lecho de espinas. ¿pero quién soy yo para decir como deben ser las cosas? Solo me limito a ver la injusticia que existe y el dolor que me rodea. Hace tiempo que no enfoco mi cámara, en la que antes encontraba la belleza. Pero ya no se lo que veo. No encuentro mi lugar, ni encuentro consuelo, elevo mi mirada y mis oraciones y no encuentro ayuda. Padezco la envidia y la ira. El desconsuelo que me lleva a preguntarme cada vez ¿por qué, por qué, por qué? Y que me tratan de decir, que no me preocupe, que me ocupe, que estoy ensimismado, que le "eche ganas", que deje de hacer o haga. Leo, escucho y encuentro contradicciones, que me hacen pensar, a veces, que soy un egoísta malagradecido, otras veces, que soy un pecador y otras tantas, que no me preocupo por mi. ¿Qué siento? Que no estoy en consonancia con el resto de la realidad. Presa de una monotonía incesante que trato de salvar a través de sumergirme en el universo de los sueños, para tratar de escapar un poco de estos pensamientos que me agobian. Días y días que se repiten dentro de la angustia de que un día todo acabará de la peor manera. ¿Qué me trae este día? Irritación. Ira. Desesperación. Y lo que percibo me indica que así será. Que todo es terrible. Pero algo muy adentro de mi....de una manera muy leve y casi imperceptible, no concuerda con eso. ¿Un deseo sin sentido, o la verdad revelada a través de un medio profundo? No lo se.

Te extraño..............

Veinticuatro.

Veinticuatro. Doce. Trescientos sesenta y cinco.
Pero sin embargo, hay cosas que empiezan antes y que quisieramos que terminaran.
Y hay cosas que quisieramos que nunca terminaran.

¿Qué más decir? .....

Quizás más tarde diga algo más.

Waiting...

Waiting to wake up of this nightmare...if I am going to wake up some day....

Quedan tres horas.

Quedan tres horas por este lado del mundo para que termine el "fatídico" martes 13, en el cual, como de esperarse, no ocurrió nada fuera de lo normal, todo típico, por decirlo así. Realmente desconozco cual sea la causa o el origen de esta superstición, pero de igual modo, para aquella gente supersticiosa, no os preocupéis (o por el contrario, preocupaos más) puesto que el próximo mes también será martes 13 (por aquello de que febrero tiene 28 días y hace que marzo corresponda). Igual creo que creer en eso son una serie de tonterias, del mismo modo que la supuesta capacidad esterilizadora y abortiva de los eclipses de sol y de luna. Por otra parte, mañana es 14 de febrero. Pienso que ese día lo crearon los chocolateros, los floristas y los impresores de tarjetas para recuperarse de la depresión consumista post-navidad y que les diera el impulso suficiente para sobrevivir hasta el día de las madres. Pienso también que si quieres a alguien, no tienes que tener un día en especial, cualquier día es especial. Mentiría si dijera que a veces no me dejo llevar por la parafernalia del día. Mentiría también si dijera que cuando las personas andan en el ánimo del día, me resulta díficil, ya que tiendo a sentirme solo. Pero tampoco miento al decir que anoche y esta mañana sentí algo de esperanza...

También digo que yo aprecio a mis compañeros. A mis amigos los quiero. Y no me da miedo decir "te quiero" si en verdad lo siento.

Saludos a todos.

Pensando.

Pues si aun sigo aquí. Aparentemente aun no es la hora de que deje de existir miserablemente. Pensando en las cosas que tengo planeadas para la semana próxima, de las cuales aun no realizó nada. No sé, no me he sentido con los ánimos de hacerlo. Incluso no se que caso tenga realizar dicho esfuerzo. Pero aún así, ronda por mi mente esa intención. Y me acabo de dar cuenta que sin querer en si, empecé a escribir (y en ambos blogs, ¡que impresión!). ¿por qué no digo que es lo que haré? Por dos razones: si lo hago, se verá aquí a su tiempo. Si no lo hago, no tendrá caso. Igual y es una derivación de otro proyecto que tenía pensado para año nuevo. Pero cielos. Parece que cada vez que quiero hacer algo un espíritu maligno me dice que no tiene caso. Tonikaku.

(Nightwish: Over the hills and faraway, Nemo, The Phantom of the Opera)

Y las etiquetas.

Será más fácil buscar entradas en un blog con etiquetas que permitan agrupar una serie de tópicos pero.......¡que difícil es es elegirlas!

In some place in the world.

Or in some time, in some strange moment, life stop being so frightening for me. That's what I want to say. I want to say that I do not crumble upon every little or big problem, and that I can go on. That I do not surrender anymore to the evil which is not a red guy with horns and a tail, but something that lures into every aspect of life and world, even myself. Afraidness, selfishness, intolerance. But most, apathy. It's late and I do not know what the heck am I writing. Good Night.

Why Do I ask Why?

It feels awkward some moments. At this moment I am on the verge of going mad, in some kind of ways. I have work that I cannot do. It's difficult to concentrate right now. I feel bored and weird on days off, which are supposed to be days for the rest and leisure. I am ill, I do not know if too ill, or a little ill. Just know that it freaks me out and makes me think about the worst things. And worry. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been bad to a friend of mine, just becaused he freaked my out. He has troubles, and seems that I am not able to help him. Seems that I am not able to help myself either. I just think and fear, and fear. I was hoping to continue studying. The hope and goodness that were growing in me just dropped out lately. And everybody says that is not logical to fear. And when things happen, then you cannot do anything, there is no use on worrying and all that phrases. Those phrases are ok. But I cannot do that. I cannot stop worrying. I want to, but I cannot. And I just got into despair, "hoping" for the worse to happen, fearing it, being afraid, even when I do not know if my mind is just misunderstanding the signs. The only thing that I know is that I cannot stand this anymore. I cannot. And I want it to stop. Because these is not living. It's not good. It's driving me crazy. And I cannot understand, and I pray and ask and try to move it away from me, from my mind, from my body, and I cannot. I pray and ask, and I've got no answer. Maybe there is nothing that can answer. Maybe it's just my bad luck. A punishment from destiny. Or maybe if there is something that can hear my pray, the answer is "screw you" or "you deserve that" or "I do not care, suffer then".
Just don't get it.