Thursday, almost friday...

And the feelings going on... I was trying to change the topics of this blog, but who knows, maybe it need a complete revamp. I want to do it. Sadly, I do not have the kind of abilities needed to do that, even though I want to do so.

Today the leak in my dam opened even more. I couldn't hold my rage. Well, at least, I couldn't at the degree that I used to. I don't know if I should be happy, of if I should be worried about that. I don't swallow my feelings. But it was strange. This weeks have been that way. I am no longer the tender person that I used to be...now, people began to see my fangs.

And the need to be good at everything. A feeling that doesn't let me enjoy things, just because I am afraid of not doing them well.

Don't hold on your emotions. Let them go. Well. It's kinda scary. But maybe it's true that if I keep everything it will hurt me. Just as I commented in Ahora andá y viví.

Specially when all of them come around together. Specially those which make me struggle harder: loneliness and envy.



They confuse me, make me think more than I want to. And make me feel guilty. Why do I feel envy? Why am  i lonely?

Is it like that travis song "why does it always rain on me, it's because I lied when I was seventheen?"

But now. I don't know. I always look to the past, and asj why? why did I do that? Do I deserve this?

Am I lonely because it's a punishment?

It was a punishment that the last greatest friend that I had......nevertheless.

I think I must go on.

And let me make mistakes.

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It might not be.

But hello there. A week ago and things look different. Stress is ahead in work, but seems to be that I can handle it without falling down. So, I can write a little right now. As time goes by, I start to open my eyes to the world again. It's not so fuckin' easy but somebody told me that if every important thing would be easy, then anyone would do it. I really don't like that phrase, but it seems to be that is adequate in this occasion. It's so hard not to see the past (which is done and over) or look to the future (which doesn't exist at all), and focus on the present. But I really want to try it on.

Now, it's thursday. Almost weekend. And I am afraid of it. (See!) Why? Weekend is supposed to be the time of rest, of fun, of relaxation. For me, it is anxiety. "What am I gonna do?", "Am I going out?". A lot of time and a free and twisted mind. That sound like trouble. And even when I hang out with my friends I am involved on my thoughts, even when I try to avoid that. If somebody tolds an anecdote, it makes me thing of all the things I didn't do, because I didn't know, because I was afraid, because I though it was bad. And it's so difficult to carry with all that emotional baggage. And as usual I think, even in that situations "why I am so lonely?, Why do I feel this way? So awkward, feeling that I don't fit".

Well. Those are the fears. But I'm also trying to go on. Trying to enjoy, even if I don't make it, but I want to. Try to take pictures, to learn new things, to go on things that I like and I dropped, try to express myself in new ways. I cannot do all that stuff everytime, but there are in my mind, and starting to go out of me.

The way is still ahead, and even fallen, I start to look ahead...

And there is also, these feelings that make me shake and tremble....feelings that I would like to disappear. Mostly, HATE, RESENTMENT. Things that I would like to forget. But there are still in me. Everyday. I don't want to feel that. I don't want to see that person, to think in that person, and feel like my blood is boiling in rage and violence. Just want to be totally indifferent. Indifferent... To forget things that people that I love did to me, but didn't meant to hurt. To forget complexes. Just to drop off all of these. Unnecessary baggage that I shouldn't carry. Permission to fail, permission to fall, permission to make a lot of mistakes. But also, permission to be happy.

This is it right now. 'Til later.

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¡Ah, claro!

Por supuesto. Es tan jodidamente fácil. ¿por qué no se me habrá ocurrido antes?

When you feel on the edge....

Your head will collapse...

And you ask yourself...

Where is my mind?

I would rather prefer not having mind at all. Of feelings. Because living in a constant anger, guilt, sadness, envy it's pointless. It doesnt't worth it. Everyday I feel like I am getting closer of my limit. Everyday I am getting closer of the thought "that's it, I can't take it anymore".

It's killing me. I don't know why I am living. It's practically, a waste. People that could do better use of my life is struggling and suffering... People that could give a better use to my eyes, my heart, my bone marrow, my immune system, my vitallity, my knees. If I could, I would give everything away. Not my lungs. I cannot breathe well, I am always feeling short of breath (asthma ).

But that's the thing. An entire life to waste. I was afraid of a lot of things. And now, well, now it's too late. And also I live in a constant fear...And I know that it is stupid. That my problems are not that serious. I can see. I can walk. I do not have cancer, or AIDS, or anything like that. My mother lives, my sister lives. But I just don't want to be here. Forgive me if I am selfish but I cannot deal with this anymore. Every fuckin day I fear of the death of my beloved ones. Family and friends. I cannot work. I cannot laugh freely. I loved to do so many things and I liked to do a lot. And I never did. I am afraid of what is going to happen for sure. The agony of my grandfather. And there is no escape. I could be....but I was not. I just don't know, why didn't I was like everyone else. Not to think too much. Just go by. But no. I dreamed a lot of things that were not meant for me. And this anger, this hate that I've never felt. It is going to kill me....

One thirty A.M.

And here I am. Struggling with my feelings. Trying to keep myself awake. Feeling bad for being who I am, and feeling this way. Guilty for overwhelming my friends, who have their own, and worse troubles, with my sillyness. Is God sending me signals? Or does he still hate me? Or he hates me and sends me signals. I don't know. I just know that I feel to weary. To tired. And I can still find no peace. I cannot help me, nobody can help me. In who can I rely for a minute at least? Who can save me from this dispair and loneliness? I've been told. You can rely on yourself. I don't think so. I am broken. Inside me, nothing has sense.

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Deep anger.

Deep anger and hate is what I feel. And it is extending to everything. Yes, I hate pretty much everything. And just as always. I am alone and by myself. I might need to stop worrying about other people. Because at the end, it's just me. Even the people I loved left me eventually. And fool of me, I am always there. Go to hell everybody then. And also, the good boy of me is over.

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Agosto y 2007

Se llevan el premio hasta el momento de mayor numero de entradas en este blog. Lo malo del asunto es que no son entradas que disfrute escribiendo. Fueron más bien, un suceso desesperado. Que aún sigue. Francamente quisiera olvidarme de todo, borrar mi mente, pero sin embargo, en mi cuerpo y en mi alma aun mana la sangre de las heridas. En momentos siento que pierdo la razón y a pesar de que la lógica me dice que eso no tiene sentido, no puedo dejar de sentirlo. La razón tiene poca injerencia en estos asuntos. No hay fotos. Solo algunas que tome en momentos desesperados, y algunas espontáneas que hice en compañía de M4st3r-X-. Y luego empiezo a escuchar a Sigur Rós simbolo indefectible de la melancolía... Quién nunca los haya escuchado, lo recomiendo. Su música es espectacular. La letra también aunque necesitarán algo de ayuda para comprender el islandés (o tal vez no). Tal vez sea solo por mi estado que relacionó su música con la melancolía. Tal vez de otro modo sería alegre, pacífico, relajante para mí. Pero estos días la música es un arma de dos filos. A veces es como una nube de flechas que yo mismo lancé contra mí, esperando otro resultado. Mi cuerpo me duele... me lástima. Mi alma también. Aún. Treinta y tres días hasta este momento...

Actualizacion (08/09/2007). En esta entrada, un video de Sigur Ros

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Day 28.

Four weeks have passed. And I think everyday that this feeling is going to kill me. It's so hard to define. At the moment I woke, the sadness came in, like a wave. Then the pain. Then the nausea. I cannot laugh. I'm hungry, but food taste like cardboard. I am weary, but I cannot sleep. I forgot the joy I once had. But I didn't had joy since months ago.

It's so sick. I am with that person, and between my pain, I feel relieved. At least for a moment. I look at that person, and I get a mixture of feeling. A strange happiness, a terrible sadness, a strong pain. And it's killing me. Days go by, so my life. I have wasted 25 years. I haven't taken pictures, I cannot walk in the streets, because my mind assaults me, and every step is painful. Every place that I know that person have been, it's like taking a knife. Words are useless to describe this feelings.

I think that it happened. I tried to stop feeling everything for twenty five years. Now, I cannot stop it.

And you, yes you asked me: "Why? Why do you feel like that, If there wasn't anything between us?

I know. I know a lot of things. Maybe I am naive. But is not your physical. It's not likeness. If it was just that, this would be a lot easier.

Why do I say that God hates me? Well, maybe he doesn't hate me, maybe he hates all the people. Because I fought, I risked, I tried, and didn't achieved. And sometimes I think my dark aura is hurting the people I love.

At this time I just want to runaway. I know that is not the solution. But I just want to scape, I cannot stand this suffering anymore, I cannot bear this pain. It's killing me, and I just can't tell. It's unbearable. I don't know if I am just a stupid and I am overacting, but that's how I feel. It's a pain that doesn't stop, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I punch, no matter how much I cry. It just doesn't go away, but comes again, slicing me......

And here I am. So much affection, so much love to give, but as usual, maybe it's too late for me. Or maybe I am not normal, or not made to this world.

P.D. I shouldn't be doing this, but I am just listening to that old song: Runaway - Real McCoy

Day after day...time after time

Ok, here we go again with this blog, that has become into a soap opera more or less cheap, or maybe classy, or progresist. But here it is again. The neverending story of a crush, infatuation, falling in love (I'll risk to say that last thing). The neverending story of complete jealousy, things that I haven't felt this strong since now, EVER, understood? EVER.

And since there is no solution to my issues, and supposedly God hates me, there is no remedy but write. It's good that you, my two, three, four readers have the right to choose to read or not to read if you get bored.

I have been reading this blog: Mal de Amores and it has been of some help. I even wrote to the author, Dra. Yvonne, and I have been answered. Is one of those situations in where, no matter what people says, no matter you perfectly know what happen, it doesn't help, because all rational thinking cannot stand against the feelings.

Here are some of the writings that I found there:

"Mal de amores: esa condición terrible de estar enamorado pero con despecho, loco pero sin ser correspondido. Superar esta traga maluca no es fácil, no lo sueñes."

also:

Secretos del corazón: El mal de amores es wertheriano. Es una máquina narrativa dolorosa, con final infeliz, entre un narcisista y un obsesivo. El objeto amado se escabulle, se esconde, juega a la indiferencia, aparece y desaparece en un horizonte imposible. Es impenetrable y hermoso. Irreal, como la ruina tibetana. Mientras, del otro lado, la otra pieza de esa máquina asfixiante, yo sufro, yo lloro, yo me afeo, yo me muero.

So, that's, again, how I feel, my dearest readers.

See you until the next chapter of this soap opera.

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Exactly how I feel....

Coldplay - Fix You...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Sadly, I don't have nobody to fix me.... I'm just broken...

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Podcast, episodio 01

powered by ODEO

Parecen dos blogs...

Pero es solo un autor....

Does anybody?

Have some glue, needle, thread, staples, duct tape, a chewing gum maybe....?


And some analgesic or anesthetic could be of use right now.

¿QUE QUE?

Originalmente el título de este post iba a ser: cable de última hora, Dios me odia. Realmente me odia. Me odia porque me hace sentir cosas que no quisiera sentir en un momento dado. Bueno, realmente todo eso no era el título. Solo lo de Dios me odia. Me senté frente a la computadora y pense lo que iba a escribir. Como lo iba a escribir. Que iba a escribir. A tratar de buscar respuestas a mis preguntas. Un alivio al dolor que siento. Una ayuda, una respuesta, un desahogo más, porque tal como dije a un amigo, parezco tubería rota, regando todo por todas partes y aun así siento algo atrapado en mi interior.

Lo que hoy salió me hizo bien. Creo que fue lo mejor que pude hacer en un momento dado. Al menos no morí. O al menos eso creo. Jajaja poco probable. De estar muerto no sentiría. Nada. Nothing at all. Eso tal vez sea una buena señal.

El post anterior es parte de lo que sigue saliendo. El background que diría un amigo. No sé. Esa tendencia que tengo a ser dejado de lado. Y seguir ahí a pesar de ello. ¿por qué lo hago? Buena pregunta.

Tal vez no sea correcto que yo lo diga. Tal vez soy el menos indicado para escribir. Pero no sé. Es quizás un sentimiento más fuerte que el resentimiento y que la ira. Y que espero que siga vivo en mí. Una ética que me hace apartar ese rencor y quizás una lealtad que me obliga a ayudar a quién quiero y a veces a quién no. Insisto, tal vez no sea el indicado para escribir de esto, más esto es lo que pienso y siento. Es difícil, lo ha sido, pero así lo he hecho. Y creo que así seguiré siendo. Porque es algo de lo bueno que hay en mi. Esa lealtad, ese estar ahí para cuando sea necesario, cuando alguien me necesite, cuando yo pueda dar algo de mi ser, hacia los demás. De eso bueno que pienso, aun vive en mi interior. De esa parte de mi alma que esta ahí, que es parte de lo que deseo ser. De esa esencia puramente buena, puramente honesta que vive dentro de esta coraza de miedos.

Pero también necesito ocuparme de mí. Y no sé cómo. En estos difíciles días me estoy dando cuenta de que estoy menos solo de lo que pienso. Y es en esos momentos cuando pienso que tal vez Dios no me odie...al menos no tanto.

Porque ha pesar de que me ha vapuleado miserablemente estos días. Porque a pesar de que gritó ¿por qué? sin obtener respuestas.

Porque a pesar de todo eso, hoy, me quede menos solo. Hoy me tendieron la mano y me abrazaron, a pesar de estar a mil kilómetros o más de distancia. O a pesar de estar a cientos de metros, estar de noche y ocupados, pero también fui confortado.

Aun así pienso que Dios me odia. Solo que tal vez no tanto.

Direct attack, fruit of my anger.

What a jerk would I say. But I guess that was the point with my other posts. At least the ones that have a comic (garfield or the other one).

Anger.

Why?
Why should always stay for everyone? If somebody need me? Should I be always there? Even when people make me aside to go for their issues?

I don't know.

I don't even know what am I going to do right now....

I don't even know why do I have the need to open up my heart to those persons.

But I will do it.

I don't know why.....'cause I am fuckin' afraid.

But may God Help me.

Or finish me.

Oh, for all Heavens.

This night I am realizing that I am so screwed and fucked-up....

How was it?

How did it happen?

How did I become in this?

Another day, and its night.

Full of questions that were made to me. But not as full of answers. This day was better than yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before the day....Ok, knock it off. Affection. Give and take. Confusion. Sadness. Worries. Decisions. I've been thinkin' about all of these. I also was thinking about other stuff, but it seems that those thoughts were not attached to the reality. Or at least, that's why I think. Maybe I am getting better. I really want to be in control right now. Try to heal my wounds and go on. Go on living. Pretty ironical that I read that blog so often and don't do that.

But now, I am at a point that, at least, I can go to rest and start focusing on work and trying to help my body. My mind, well, I'm in treatment, and I think it's working. Even though some people think terapy doesn't help.

But I know that is because people worry. Specially when you wrote things like the ones in this blog jajaja.

I still feel awkard. Confused, angered, sad. But I feel relieved, because I know my friends are there to help me, and I know when I'm ok I will help them, or even if I am not ok, I will help them when they need me. I feel relieved, because I people I care of, is now awakening to a new life.

I just hope I can be the person that I want to be...not just this weeping puppet.

I will finish this post with a psalm, that was the only that I remembered when I needed to. I don't know if it is a message from God, or just a casualty. If it's just a hope, or maybe a wrong idea. If everything is going to be ok for me, or the next week is going to be worst. I don't know what I am going to do. But here it is. I feel like I want to write it down...

Salmo 121.

Levanto mis ojos a las montañas:
¿de dónde me vendrá la ayuda?

La ayuda me viene del Señor,
que hizo el cielo y la tierra.

Él no dejará que resbale tu pie:
¡tu guardián no duerme!

No, no duerme ni dormita
él guardián de Israel.

El Señor es tu guardián,
es la sombra protectora a tu derecha:
de día, no te dañará el sol,
ni la luna de noche.

El Señor te protegerá de todo mal
y cuidará tu vida.

Él te protegerá en la partida y el regreso,
ahora y para siempre.

One night like any other.

At least like any other in this month. I guess this is becoming kind of boring. Just writing about the same crap over and over again. But hey, nobody has the obligation to read it. You are free to leave whenever you want, even not coming by if you don't want to. But I am here. I am at home and I didn't wanted to. Why did I stay? I don't know it for sure. Fear is the most adequate reason. I cannot sleep. I feel weary. Maybe it's like that phrase "no peace for the weary". Day before yesterday I walked and walked. At home, I saw me at the mirror. My face was dirty, my eyes were red, my skin was burned. I really don't know how to put this to an end. This is becoming just too much for me to handle. I saw me at the mirror and I felt sad for looking at me...

And I really don't know how to put this to an end, without causing a greater suffering. But nevertheless. It doesn't matter. They say that nothing last forever... But there has been too many years, crowned by these last months and weeks.....

Las circunstancias.

Los eventos, lo que sucede... En este momento parece que el dolor se va, el miedo disminuye, no lo sé. Solo espero que no lleguen de nuevo y aun más en desbandada. Pero no se. Por una parte me siento tranquilo. Por otra, débil, vulnerable y a merced de mis viejos fantasmas dentro de mi. Y si, un poco de miedo. Pero en fin, es por mí....

Se va la tristeza...

Pero queda la melancolía.....

UPDATE 15:09. Pain is back

El dia que la vida o Dios me jodió, nos jodió, jodió.

Así es. Estoy en el trabajo. Debería estar trabajando. I should... But not. I am here wasting my time trying to survive. Or something. Haven't slept well last nights. Seems to be that I will have no peace. Yesterday, I thought it could be possible. But seems to be that those assumptions are not but pipe dreams. Hopes are fading more and more. And even when I'm trying to go up, seems to be that God and the Universe are trying the opposite. Maybe I, they, we are just the diversions of the immortal.....

UPDATE: Or maybe not but I just don't know...just feel weak...