Lothlorien

Lothlorien. Galadriel protects it. The eldar live there. Fantasy of writers. Fantasy of artists. Fantasy of musicians. Lothlorien seems to me a place where the peace and the sanctity floats around, between the threes and de flowers, in the stream of rivers and the fresh water of the lakes. It reminds me something that I haven't lived. I think about it like i think about a place that lives in me. I can imagine it, and somehow, I feel like my soul is there. It's for just about a second, a minute, so little time.  The senses, often said as rude or not so pure as soul or mind, lead me to that place. Although I still sitting here, in my bedroom, today, Monday, September 25th of year 2006. But these words doesn't came from my room. They come from the deeps of Lothlorien forest...

Lothlorien - Enya

Lothlorien - The Lord of The Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack.

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Veinticuatro

24/7. Siete. Veinticuatro

Eso lo explica todo....

-Move along, move along like I know you do-

That is precisely what I am listening to at the time I am writing this post. As I said before. Music for every situation. At this time I feel odd. I was feeling well. Suddenly I wasn't feeling that good. Instead of that I was feeling bad. I felt the fear again. I felt the loneliness again. I felt that I couldn't do nothing good with my time. I just want to "move along" , instead of that, I am lying in my bedroom, scared and dissapointed. How things come. Doesnt it? At noon I was thinking about posting something more "happy" something that expressed how I was feeling. It's a shame that it couldn't be.

'Til tomorrow

Felicidades

La Valse D'Amélie

Contrario a mi tradición no creo poner la letra de esta canción ahora. ¡JA! La mayoría de ustedes, mis dos o tres lectores habran escuchado alguna vez esta linda pieza musical, que ambienta una de las películas más disfrutables de los últimos años: Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain (el Fabuloso destino de Amélie Poulain) o mejor conocida como "Amélie". Pasando el hecho de que la película es excelente (al menos a mi parecer) la banda sonora es suprema. Yo no puedo imaginar la película sin el ambiente que le da la música. Totalmente adecuado. Pero terminemos con la reseña. Simplemente se me antojo escribir con esa música. O más bien, la música me orillo a escribir en el blog. ¿A quién le ha sucedido? Orillado a hacer, pensar o recordar algo por la música. Yo creo que a muchos de nosotros. La música tiene la propiedad de atraer recuerdos y sensaciones asociadas a ella, del mismo modo que los aromas o las imágenes. ¿Tienes algo que escribir? ¿Tienes tú música para trabajar? ¿Musica para soñar? ¿Música para llorar?.....

Estando

Ciertamente hace rato que no escribia "en forma y con propiedad" (típico comentario de cuando se pasa mucho tiempo sin escribir + excusa apropiada) Yo no tengo excusa apropiada. Este continuum ha servido como una especie de descarga ante una necesidad a lo  mejor fundada, a lo mejor no, de ser escuchado o de sentir que algo sale de ese pequeño saco que cargo dentro de mi mente. ¿Qué caso exponer el corazón y el alma a millones de desconocidos? No sé. Tal vez sea esa nueva conciencia de "aldea global" en la que todos nos interconectamos de nuevo, ya no físicamente, pero a través de estos medios (alguna ventaja tenía que tener la tan nombrada globalización). Realmente tengo mucho que hacer, pero no lo hago, porque no se me antoja. Las obsesiones y los delirios bailan aun en mi cabeza (y a veces en mi estómago). Pero ahora tenia esas ganas de escribir. Esas ganas de sentir que el dia no había sido tan malo, a pesar de que poco me comunique con mis semejantes, a pesar de que poco comparti, pero aún así, sentí que el caminar me encajaba en esta realidad tan dispar, tan inverosímil. Hoy me tragué la ira. Ayer me tragué la rabia. Otros días me trago el dolor. Los días siguen transcurriendo. No como siempre. Estos días llueve. Eso es novedad en estas latitudes. Lo demás, simplemente transcurre. O escurre, como el agua de la lluvia. Ahi sigue el polvo. También el aire, y los locos que tratando de hacer su voluntad distraen mi atención de las cosas que en verdad importan. El amor. El amor que yo se que debe haber en alguna parte de mi ser. El que se asoma por las rendijas de mi "humanidá". Y yo, ahi estoy, queriendo salir. Pero no me dejo. Tengo miedo. Vivo donde no debo. No en el plano físico, sino en el temporal. Tonikaku. Se hace tarde hay que dormir.....turn off the light y descansa...

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Time goes by.

So, that's what people says. September doesn't seem as bad as it seemed last year. But still bad. Still bad. I cannot say much. I do not know. How and why? And I ask and I yell again and again. To life, to God, if it is supposed to exist. To the universe, why. And as usual I get no answer. NO ANSWER. That's how life comes out. And I lost my inspiration. May be I am boring my three readers. May be not. But I need to leave this burial (or at least part of it) somewhere. 

I still have odd thought....memories...

About a year was another life to me. I was sad sometimes, but generally I managed my living. It wasn't perfect. But it was better. Now. What's left of me?. A year ago a series of nightmares started. But the worst thing is that I won't wake up. 'Cause I am not dreaming at all. THIS is how life is. The fear of leaving in the worst way, the strange ideas. Pills aren't magic. It's amazing how everything turned out this way. Doesn't matter. It will end, probably in a terrible way, but it is going to end.

Rx

 

Veinticuatro.

Veinticuatro....el veinticuatro se fue.

Otro veinticuatro se fue.

Hoy veinticuatro hace seis meses que fue veinticuatro.

Hoy veinticuatro me quedo mas solo.

Solo soy uno.....

Tengo veinticuatro

Damn

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN......AAAAAAAHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, SADNESS!!!!!!!

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Ups and downs.

That is how the days have been lately. Ups and downs. And it's becoming hard and difficult. I might need help...

Crazy Sunshine.....(I do not know why that's is bouncing in my mind)

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Feel Ill

That's right. In boy and mind. Not too much I can do. Not too much I can say. Just one thing. The xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx a very hard number. And about casualties. I do not know why somedays I feel not as bad, and other days I curse the day that I came to the world. I also stopped writing in my diary. Now I let the world to know the most sensible parts of myself. I do not know why. I do not know anything. I just think that I hope for the weekend. just to realize that are the saddest days of the week. That my life is passing by. That I feel that I am going to die miserably. Sometimes I forgot it. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I have fun. Sometimes I dare to dream about a good future. Usually I dare to dream about happiness. And I just hope everything come to an end. I cannot take more suffering. I just cannot. I cannot deal with the fear. I cannot deal with the pain. I am such a coward. IT IS SUPPOSED THAT ONE SHOULD FIGHT AND FIGHT AGAINST ALL ODDS, CONSIDER THE LIFE THE GREATEST TREASURE. But I just cannot feel that. It's becoming more and more difficult to go everyday, with a mask that everythings allright. I cannot even imagine to make my mother, sister, family, friends any suffering or pain. I am on the edge. I cannot stand it anymore...

(Update: I think that maybe I was just feeling not so well at the time I wrote this..., but I just need to scream sometimes, to release the things that I feel)

One year ago.

What was happening? I was not here. I was pursuing something. Pursuing a dream maybe. Or just pursuing a salvation ship. But I was doing something. I was thinking about doing something. Everything is so different right now. August is like the prelude of disgrace.

Memories

Being a total mess gave me some relief. I forgot the pain. I forgot the anxiety. I forgot the sadness. Now, I turn to myself again. The pain came back. The sadness is here...

One year ago...

I still want those...I can't still have them: http://nortedefuego.blogspot.com/2005/08/quiero-vivir.html

And it seems that I'll never be able to...

A little ashamed...maybe not so little.

This morning I feel a little ashamed. Mainly because I did somethings that time ago I said that I wouldn't do. But maybe that's ok. People change, as somebody wrote in his blog. Nevertheless I think that the essence of everyone is the same. Maybe we lose some of it, we grown and build aroun it, destroy it, cut it, but at least the very essence, the primary essence of ourselves (even ehen buddist say that we should forget that concept) is with us until the day of our departure.

I feel ashamed because I harmed myself with no reason...I harmed myself fisically, and mentally. I did things that I wasn't supposed to do, why? Because it's like if someother myself, sealed and tied all the time, wanted to go out. But he couldn't. He couldn't because I am so tied, so rigid that the only thing that happened to me was a hangover.

And because of that I couldn't enjoy the company of my friends.

It's almost like an insult.

So, I am ashamed. For me, for them.

Soy un incoherente.

Asi de simple

Sin mucho que decir.

But as usual, commiting some non-commercial plagiarism to a few songs...these night is all I have to say...

Father, father, father help us....

And seems that, as usual, the answer is no....

What are you wearing today.

And I am not talking about clothes. I refer to the masks. A very popular, somehow "clishé" subject. Are you wearing a mask? Or you show yourself always, everytime, day and night? Do you reveal what you feel, what you think, what you are? Or just wander with a fake smile, showing just what the mask let you show? Maybe a little, maybe nothing.

Or is your mask something like an aid? An artifact that helps you to control yourself, showing the parts that you might show in a moment, or helping you to hide from everyone, preventing harm?

Are you really yourself?

I don't know. That's why I made such questions. Meanwhile, I shall put down the sadness mask that I was wearing. So bad that every morning I open my eyes, and the mask is already on me.

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