Thursday, almost friday...

And the feelings going on... I was trying to change the topics of this blog, but who knows, maybe it need a complete revamp. I want to do it. Sadly, I do not have the kind of abilities needed to do that, even though I want to do so.

Today the leak in my dam opened even more. I couldn't hold my rage. Well, at least, I couldn't at the degree that I used to. I don't know if I should be happy, of if I should be worried about that. I don't swallow my feelings. But it was strange. This weeks have been that way. I am no longer the tender person that I used to be...now, people began to see my fangs.

And the need to be good at everything. A feeling that doesn't let me enjoy things, just because I am afraid of not doing them well.

Don't hold on your emotions. Let them go. Well. It's kinda scary. But maybe it's true that if I keep everything it will hurt me. Just as I commented in Ahora andá y viví.

Specially when all of them come around together. Specially those which make me struggle harder: loneliness and envy.



They confuse me, make me think more than I want to. And make me feel guilty. Why do I feel envy? Why am  i lonely?

Is it like that travis song "why does it always rain on me, it's because I lied when I was seventheen?"

But now. I don't know. I always look to the past, and asj why? why did I do that? Do I deserve this?

Am I lonely because it's a punishment?

It was a punishment that the last greatest friend that I had......nevertheless.

I think I must go on.

And let me make mistakes.

Blogged with Flock

It might not be.

But hello there. A week ago and things look different. Stress is ahead in work, but seems to be that I can handle it without falling down. So, I can write a little right now. As time goes by, I start to open my eyes to the world again. It's not so fuckin' easy but somebody told me that if every important thing would be easy, then anyone would do it. I really don't like that phrase, but it seems to be that is adequate in this occasion. It's so hard not to see the past (which is done and over) or look to the future (which doesn't exist at all), and focus on the present. But I really want to try it on.

Now, it's thursday. Almost weekend. And I am afraid of it. (See!) Why? Weekend is supposed to be the time of rest, of fun, of relaxation. For me, it is anxiety. "What am I gonna do?", "Am I going out?". A lot of time and a free and twisted mind. That sound like trouble. And even when I hang out with my friends I am involved on my thoughts, even when I try to avoid that. If somebody tolds an anecdote, it makes me thing of all the things I didn't do, because I didn't know, because I was afraid, because I though it was bad. And it's so difficult to carry with all that emotional baggage. And as usual I think, even in that situations "why I am so lonely?, Why do I feel this way? So awkward, feeling that I don't fit".

Well. Those are the fears. But I'm also trying to go on. Trying to enjoy, even if I don't make it, but I want to. Try to take pictures, to learn new things, to go on things that I like and I dropped, try to express myself in new ways. I cannot do all that stuff everytime, but there are in my mind, and starting to go out of me.

The way is still ahead, and even fallen, I start to look ahead...

And there is also, these feelings that make me shake and tremble....feelings that I would like to disappear. Mostly, HATE, RESENTMENT. Things that I would like to forget. But there are still in me. Everyday. I don't want to feel that. I don't want to see that person, to think in that person, and feel like my blood is boiling in rage and violence. Just want to be totally indifferent. Indifferent... To forget things that people that I love did to me, but didn't meant to hurt. To forget complexes. Just to drop off all of these. Unnecessary baggage that I shouldn't carry. Permission to fail, permission to fall, permission to make a lot of mistakes. But also, permission to be happy.

This is it right now. 'Til later.

Blogged with Flock

¡Ah, claro!

Por supuesto. Es tan jodidamente fácil. ¿por qué no se me habrá ocurrido antes?

When you feel on the edge....

Your head will collapse...

And you ask yourself...

Where is my mind?

I would rather prefer not having mind at all. Of feelings. Because living in a constant anger, guilt, sadness, envy it's pointless. It doesnt't worth it. Everyday I feel like I am getting closer of my limit. Everyday I am getting closer of the thought "that's it, I can't take it anymore".

It's killing me. I don't know why I am living. It's practically, a waste. People that could do better use of my life is struggling and suffering... People that could give a better use to my eyes, my heart, my bone marrow, my immune system, my vitallity, my knees. If I could, I would give everything away. Not my lungs. I cannot breathe well, I am always feeling short of breath (asthma ).

But that's the thing. An entire life to waste. I was afraid of a lot of things. And now, well, now it's too late. And also I live in a constant fear...And I know that it is stupid. That my problems are not that serious. I can see. I can walk. I do not have cancer, or AIDS, or anything like that. My mother lives, my sister lives. But I just don't want to be here. Forgive me if I am selfish but I cannot deal with this anymore. Every fuckin day I fear of the death of my beloved ones. Family and friends. I cannot work. I cannot laugh freely. I loved to do so many things and I liked to do a lot. And I never did. I am afraid of what is going to happen for sure. The agony of my grandfather. And there is no escape. I could be....but I was not. I just don't know, why didn't I was like everyone else. Not to think too much. Just go by. But no. I dreamed a lot of things that were not meant for me. And this anger, this hate that I've never felt. It is going to kill me....

One thirty A.M.

And here I am. Struggling with my feelings. Trying to keep myself awake. Feeling bad for being who I am, and feeling this way. Guilty for overwhelming my friends, who have their own, and worse troubles, with my sillyness. Is God sending me signals? Or does he still hate me? Or he hates me and sends me signals. I don't know. I just know that I feel to weary. To tired. And I can still find no peace. I cannot help me, nobody can help me. In who can I rely for a minute at least? Who can save me from this dispair and loneliness? I've been told. You can rely on yourself. I don't think so. I am broken. Inside me, nothing has sense.

Blogged with Flock

Deep anger.

Deep anger and hate is what I feel. And it is extending to everything. Yes, I hate pretty much everything. And just as always. I am alone and by myself. I might need to stop worrying about other people. Because at the end, it's just me. Even the people I loved left me eventually. And fool of me, I am always there. Go to hell everybody then. And also, the good boy of me is over.

Blogged with Flock

Agosto y 2007

Se llevan el premio hasta el momento de mayor numero de entradas en este blog. Lo malo del asunto es que no son entradas que disfrute escribiendo. Fueron más bien, un suceso desesperado. Que aún sigue. Francamente quisiera olvidarme de todo, borrar mi mente, pero sin embargo, en mi cuerpo y en mi alma aun mana la sangre de las heridas. En momentos siento que pierdo la razón y a pesar de que la lógica me dice que eso no tiene sentido, no puedo dejar de sentirlo. La razón tiene poca injerencia en estos asuntos. No hay fotos. Solo algunas que tome en momentos desesperados, y algunas espontáneas que hice en compañía de M4st3r-X-. Y luego empiezo a escuchar a Sigur Rós simbolo indefectible de la melancolía... Quién nunca los haya escuchado, lo recomiendo. Su música es espectacular. La letra también aunque necesitarán algo de ayuda para comprender el islandés (o tal vez no). Tal vez sea solo por mi estado que relacionó su música con la melancolía. Tal vez de otro modo sería alegre, pacífico, relajante para mí. Pero estos días la música es un arma de dos filos. A veces es como una nube de flechas que yo mismo lancé contra mí, esperando otro resultado. Mi cuerpo me duele... me lástima. Mi alma también. Aún. Treinta y tres días hasta este momento...

Actualizacion (08/09/2007). En esta entrada, un video de Sigur Ros

Blogged with Flock