Day 28.

Four weeks have passed. And I think everyday that this feeling is going to kill me. It's so hard to define. At the moment I woke, the sadness came in, like a wave. Then the pain. Then the nausea. I cannot laugh. I'm hungry, but food taste like cardboard. I am weary, but I cannot sleep. I forgot the joy I once had. But I didn't had joy since months ago.

It's so sick. I am with that person, and between my pain, I feel relieved. At least for a moment. I look at that person, and I get a mixture of feeling. A strange happiness, a terrible sadness, a strong pain. And it's killing me. Days go by, so my life. I have wasted 25 years. I haven't taken pictures, I cannot walk in the streets, because my mind assaults me, and every step is painful. Every place that I know that person have been, it's like taking a knife. Words are useless to describe this feelings.

I think that it happened. I tried to stop feeling everything for twenty five years. Now, I cannot stop it.

And you, yes you asked me: "Why? Why do you feel like that, If there wasn't anything between us?

I know. I know a lot of things. Maybe I am naive. But is not your physical. It's not likeness. If it was just that, this would be a lot easier.

Why do I say that God hates me? Well, maybe he doesn't hate me, maybe he hates all the people. Because I fought, I risked, I tried, and didn't achieved. And sometimes I think my dark aura is hurting the people I love.

At this time I just want to runaway. I know that is not the solution. But I just want to scape, I cannot stand this suffering anymore, I cannot bear this pain. It's killing me, and I just can't tell. It's unbearable. I don't know if I am just a stupid and I am overacting, but that's how I feel. It's a pain that doesn't stop, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I punch, no matter how much I cry. It just doesn't go away, but comes again, slicing me......

And here I am. So much affection, so much love to give, but as usual, maybe it's too late for me. Or maybe I am not normal, or not made to this world.

P.D. I shouldn't be doing this, but I am just listening to that old song: Runaway - Real McCoy

Day after day...time after time

Ok, here we go again with this blog, that has become into a soap opera more or less cheap, or maybe classy, or progresist. But here it is again. The neverending story of a crush, infatuation, falling in love (I'll risk to say that last thing). The neverending story of complete jealousy, things that I haven't felt this strong since now, EVER, understood? EVER.

And since there is no solution to my issues, and supposedly God hates me, there is no remedy but write. It's good that you, my two, three, four readers have the right to choose to read or not to read if you get bored.

I have been reading this blog: Mal de Amores and it has been of some help. I even wrote to the author, Dra. Yvonne, and I have been answered. Is one of those situations in where, no matter what people says, no matter you perfectly know what happen, it doesn't help, because all rational thinking cannot stand against the feelings.

Here are some of the writings that I found there:

"Mal de amores: esa condición terrible de estar enamorado pero con despecho, loco pero sin ser correspondido. Superar esta traga maluca no es fácil, no lo sueñes."

also:

Secretos del corazón: El mal de amores es wertheriano. Es una máquina narrativa dolorosa, con final infeliz, entre un narcisista y un obsesivo. El objeto amado se escabulle, se esconde, juega a la indiferencia, aparece y desaparece en un horizonte imposible. Es impenetrable y hermoso. Irreal, como la ruina tibetana. Mientras, del otro lado, la otra pieza de esa máquina asfixiante, yo sufro, yo lloro, yo me afeo, yo me muero.

So, that's, again, how I feel, my dearest readers.

See you until the next chapter of this soap opera.

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Exactly how I feel....

Coldplay - Fix You...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Sadly, I don't have nobody to fix me.... I'm just broken...

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Podcast, episodio 01

powered by ODEO

Parecen dos blogs...

Pero es solo un autor....

Does anybody?

Have some glue, needle, thread, staples, duct tape, a chewing gum maybe....?


And some analgesic or anesthetic could be of use right now.

¿QUE QUE?

Originalmente el título de este post iba a ser: cable de última hora, Dios me odia. Realmente me odia. Me odia porque me hace sentir cosas que no quisiera sentir en un momento dado. Bueno, realmente todo eso no era el título. Solo lo de Dios me odia. Me senté frente a la computadora y pense lo que iba a escribir. Como lo iba a escribir. Que iba a escribir. A tratar de buscar respuestas a mis preguntas. Un alivio al dolor que siento. Una ayuda, una respuesta, un desahogo más, porque tal como dije a un amigo, parezco tubería rota, regando todo por todas partes y aun así siento algo atrapado en mi interior.

Lo que hoy salió me hizo bien. Creo que fue lo mejor que pude hacer en un momento dado. Al menos no morí. O al menos eso creo. Jajaja poco probable. De estar muerto no sentiría. Nada. Nothing at all. Eso tal vez sea una buena señal.

El post anterior es parte de lo que sigue saliendo. El background que diría un amigo. No sé. Esa tendencia que tengo a ser dejado de lado. Y seguir ahí a pesar de ello. ¿por qué lo hago? Buena pregunta.

Tal vez no sea correcto que yo lo diga. Tal vez soy el menos indicado para escribir. Pero no sé. Es quizás un sentimiento más fuerte que el resentimiento y que la ira. Y que espero que siga vivo en mí. Una ética que me hace apartar ese rencor y quizás una lealtad que me obliga a ayudar a quién quiero y a veces a quién no. Insisto, tal vez no sea el indicado para escribir de esto, más esto es lo que pienso y siento. Es difícil, lo ha sido, pero así lo he hecho. Y creo que así seguiré siendo. Porque es algo de lo bueno que hay en mi. Esa lealtad, ese estar ahí para cuando sea necesario, cuando alguien me necesite, cuando yo pueda dar algo de mi ser, hacia los demás. De eso bueno que pienso, aun vive en mi interior. De esa parte de mi alma que esta ahí, que es parte de lo que deseo ser. De esa esencia puramente buena, puramente honesta que vive dentro de esta coraza de miedos.

Pero también necesito ocuparme de mí. Y no sé cómo. En estos difíciles días me estoy dando cuenta de que estoy menos solo de lo que pienso. Y es en esos momentos cuando pienso que tal vez Dios no me odie...al menos no tanto.

Porque ha pesar de que me ha vapuleado miserablemente estos días. Porque a pesar de que gritó ¿por qué? sin obtener respuestas.

Porque a pesar de todo eso, hoy, me quede menos solo. Hoy me tendieron la mano y me abrazaron, a pesar de estar a mil kilómetros o más de distancia. O a pesar de estar a cientos de metros, estar de noche y ocupados, pero también fui confortado.

Aun así pienso que Dios me odia. Solo que tal vez no tanto.

Direct attack, fruit of my anger.

What a jerk would I say. But I guess that was the point with my other posts. At least the ones that have a comic (garfield or the other one).

Anger.

Why?
Why should always stay for everyone? If somebody need me? Should I be always there? Even when people make me aside to go for their issues?

I don't know.

I don't even know what am I going to do right now....

I don't even know why do I have the need to open up my heart to those persons.

But I will do it.

I don't know why.....'cause I am fuckin' afraid.

But may God Help me.

Or finish me.

Oh, for all Heavens.

This night I am realizing that I am so screwed and fucked-up....

How was it?

How did it happen?

How did I become in this?

Another day, and its night.

Full of questions that were made to me. But not as full of answers. This day was better than yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before the day....Ok, knock it off. Affection. Give and take. Confusion. Sadness. Worries. Decisions. I've been thinkin' about all of these. I also was thinking about other stuff, but it seems that those thoughts were not attached to the reality. Or at least, that's why I think. Maybe I am getting better. I really want to be in control right now. Try to heal my wounds and go on. Go on living. Pretty ironical that I read that blog so often and don't do that.

But now, I am at a point that, at least, I can go to rest and start focusing on work and trying to help my body. My mind, well, I'm in treatment, and I think it's working. Even though some people think terapy doesn't help.

But I know that is because people worry. Specially when you wrote things like the ones in this blog jajaja.

I still feel awkard. Confused, angered, sad. But I feel relieved, because I know my friends are there to help me, and I know when I'm ok I will help them, or even if I am not ok, I will help them when they need me. I feel relieved, because I people I care of, is now awakening to a new life.

I just hope I can be the person that I want to be...not just this weeping puppet.

I will finish this post with a psalm, that was the only that I remembered when I needed to. I don't know if it is a message from God, or just a casualty. If it's just a hope, or maybe a wrong idea. If everything is going to be ok for me, or the next week is going to be worst. I don't know what I am going to do. But here it is. I feel like I want to write it down...

Salmo 121.

Levanto mis ojos a las montañas:
¿de dónde me vendrá la ayuda?

La ayuda me viene del Señor,
que hizo el cielo y la tierra.

Él no dejará que resbale tu pie:
¡tu guardián no duerme!

No, no duerme ni dormita
él guardián de Israel.

El Señor es tu guardián,
es la sombra protectora a tu derecha:
de día, no te dañará el sol,
ni la luna de noche.

El Señor te protegerá de todo mal
y cuidará tu vida.

Él te protegerá en la partida y el regreso,
ahora y para siempre.

One night like any other.

At least like any other in this month. I guess this is becoming kind of boring. Just writing about the same crap over and over again. But hey, nobody has the obligation to read it. You are free to leave whenever you want, even not coming by if you don't want to. But I am here. I am at home and I didn't wanted to. Why did I stay? I don't know it for sure. Fear is the most adequate reason. I cannot sleep. I feel weary. Maybe it's like that phrase "no peace for the weary". Day before yesterday I walked and walked. At home, I saw me at the mirror. My face was dirty, my eyes were red, my skin was burned. I really don't know how to put this to an end. This is becoming just too much for me to handle. I saw me at the mirror and I felt sad for looking at me...

And I really don't know how to put this to an end, without causing a greater suffering. But nevertheless. It doesn't matter. They say that nothing last forever... But there has been too many years, crowned by these last months and weeks.....

Las circunstancias.

Los eventos, lo que sucede... En este momento parece que el dolor se va, el miedo disminuye, no lo sé. Solo espero que no lleguen de nuevo y aun más en desbandada. Pero no se. Por una parte me siento tranquilo. Por otra, débil, vulnerable y a merced de mis viejos fantasmas dentro de mi. Y si, un poco de miedo. Pero en fin, es por mí....

Se va la tristeza...

Pero queda la melancolía.....

UPDATE 15:09. Pain is back

El dia que la vida o Dios me jodió, nos jodió, jodió.

Así es. Estoy en el trabajo. Debería estar trabajando. I should... But not. I am here wasting my time trying to survive. Or something. Haven't slept well last nights. Seems to be that I will have no peace. Yesterday, I thought it could be possible. But seems to be that those assumptions are not but pipe dreams. Hopes are fading more and more. And even when I'm trying to go up, seems to be that God and the Universe are trying the opposite. Maybe I, they, we are just the diversions of the immortal.....

UPDATE: Or maybe not but I just don't know...just feel weak...

At this moment....

I don't know if the rage or the sadness are inside me. And I don't know why. I don't know why life turns so complicated every fuckin' day. And it's something that I cannot understand. I cannot understand why people is always repressing life and it makes me anger. I don't know If I could sleep tonight. Because I feel I feel and I feel. And still feeling, and everythings turns out to be more confusing. If I could I will explode, but I can't. I can't even tell my closests friends what's going on with me, 'cause I am afraid to hurt them, or to displease them. It's like if showing them the real me the things that I do and feel, the thoughts and everything else could make me more vulnerable. To be hurted again... And I still feel anger and rage against the stupid people. And also feel like if something was trapped in my chest. Everything started to hurt, everything seemed to be wrong.

And then the sadness again. Why God, why. I can't understand. Why I can't just cry wherever I want, whenever I want. But it is not OK to cry. So, I cannot even runaway to any place. I cannot find relief. And I ask again and raise my hand against God. And ask...why. But I cannot cry...it's wrong, I don't have a place to do so.....

And everything goes so complicated again and again and again. Why didn't I ran away when I could?

Why
Why

The eternal question in my life.
Why....

Tmb pasa...it's sad too

La tristeza y la furia.

En un reino encantado donde los hombres nunca pueden llegar, o quizás donde los hombres transitan eternamente sin darse cuenta...
En un reino mágico, donde las cosas no tangibles, se vuelven concretas...
Había una vez... un estanque maravilloso.
Era una laguna de agua cristalina y pura donde nadaban peces de todos los colores existentes y donde todas las tonalidades del verde se reflejaban permanentemente...

Hasta ese estanque mágico y transparente se acercaron a bañarse haciéndose mutua compañía, la tristeza y la furia.
Las dos se quitaron sus vestimentas y desnudas las dos entraron al estanque.
La furia, apurada (como siempre esta la furia), urgida -sin saber por qué- se baño rápidamente y mas rápidamente aun, salió del agua...
Pero la furia es ciega, o por lo menos no distingue claramente la realidad, así que, desnuda y apurada, se puso, al salir, la primera ropa que encontró...
Y sucedió que esa ropa no era la suya, sino la de la tristeza...
Y así vestida de tristeza, la furia se fue.

Muy calma, y muy serena, dispuesta como siempre a quedarse en el lugar donde está, la tristeza terminó su baño y sin ningún apuro (o mejor dicho, sin conciencia del paso del tiempo), con pereza y lentamente, salió del estanque.
En la orilla se encontró con que su ropa ya no estaba.
Como todos sabemos, si hay algo que a la tristeza no le gusta es quedar al desnudo, así que se puso la única ropa que había junto al estanque, la ropa de la furia.

Cuentan que desde entonces, muchas veces uno se encuentra con la furia, ciega, cruel, terrible y enfadada, pero si nos damos el tiempo de mirar bien, encontramos que esta furia que vemos es sólo un disfraz, y que detrás del disfraz de la furia, en realidad... está escondida la tristeza.

Jorge Bucay

¿Será?

Les jours tristes.

I want to do a lot of things, I have to do a lot of things, I must (I guess) to do a lot of things. But I don't do much. But writing, transforming this space into a weeping scroll, writing in english. I was thinking about it, why do I write in english. Because it is less painful. It is like if someone else was writing, instead of me, but I know that is me. I know it sounds weird, but common people do a lot of weird things. Yesterday some things happened at work that still annoy me. Well it's kinda normal, but still bothers me, along with the other stuff that is hurting me right now. Well, but I have to say thank you. Thanks to my to beloved friends for helping me and listening to me. Sometimes I complain about that I am a closed, kinda lonely person. That I do not have many friends. But at least the few I have are the greatest. But it scares me too much when the moment that they will walk away come. It is irrational and stupid to worry about that, but, as I said, for a person like me...

As things goes on I feel a sudden anxiety of what is coming. For example, tonight. I always think that for some reason I don't fit in life in common stuff, common diversions. That tends to make me angry. On the other side, I like to spend time with the people I care, make bond stronger and also giving me the opportunity to know other people.

Maybe it's a fear of not being good enough or interesting enough. Maybe....

But for now I shall leave, because this mixture of anger, sadness, and other feelings tends to overwhelm me.

Maybe later I'll post a story that I've heard sometimes. Just to ask for an opinion.

Que estén bien.

I think...

That sometimes phisical pain is more bearable than emotional...(of course, if they're not related)....

After the storm...

I'm still putting this image. It represents very well how I felt (or feel) sometimes.

Probably.

A lizard in my window.

But it doesn't have nothing to do with the things that I am going to write. But it seemed a good title.

Sometimes I do not know why the past tends to tie us so much. In my mind a lot of thoughts fly and crash every time. Why this? Why that?

And I just keep asking why? And saying that is too late. At least, my recent experience of trying to take a new way in my proffesional life tells me that. One year, three failures. For a little time, I thought that I could make it. But I was wrong I guess. And I still remember people asking me Why? Why didn't you do that before? Why are you doing this?. Before, before, before.

That could be easy for them. But not for me. I failed in my decisitions years ago and now I struggle...and fail.

Be strong. It's just in your mind. Make an effort. I hear that a lot too. When I talked to my friends of an anxiety crisis that I had to years ago, of the fears that I had and have, people just stare at me like if I was crazy. May be I am.

People seems to be very annoying...It's just like a relationship, there is always one person who loves more or gives more. I gave more, received less. Or maybe just was foolish, naive, stupid, pendejo, imbécil, don't know.

Yes, I know this is becoming stupid, depressing, boring, that I should not be putting things like these in my blog, but again

IT'S FUCKIN' MINE

So, after this intervention, I may continue with my blabbering. I also get infatuated, fall in love, obsesse or fix I don't know exactly what it is, on people that is not possible to relate with, in that way.

Be strong....I heard that too.

How can someone like me, social inept, sporty incapable, romantic failure, academic wannabe be possibly strong.

I don't know.

WHERE IS MY MIND?

When tomorrow came two days later.

But is even better than ten years later.

My tongue is tied. My fingers don't write too much either. And there is still the confusion. It is so hard to be myself and to share it with the people I want to. I don't even know what I am, so, it's difficult.

I really don't feel like I must be writing right now. My eyes hurt a little. I'm supposed to sleep or something.

Silence leads to pain.

Pain leads to dispair.